Two Timer Senior

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Two Timer Senior
5
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:18pm
I have been dating this man for 9 years now, not living together. We had a great relationship until last March, when I caught him in bed with another woman. His response was that we had grown apart and she was there. He promised me at least 10 times that he has broken up with her. He keeps returning to me for sex. When I caught them together, he backed her up and told me to get out of his house.

He disappears for weekends and then gives me some trupmed up excuse. I have caught him in numerous lies. I am going to see the shrink, on medication, can't seem to function. Each time I believe him and each time I am left holding the bag. I am just to humiliated, he has pranced his gal (22 years his junior) around his family and friends. They all told him to get rid of her, that she was evil but he keeps hanging on.

I am so sick of crying all day. I want my life back, there are days when I don't even get out of my PJ's. I haven't taken my dog for a walk in three months. Someone please give me some advise that will sink into my hard head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:28pm
'Each time I believe him '

That is your problem.

'Someone please give me some advise that will sink into my hard head.'

O.k. Get some nerve, a spine and get out. How many times does he need to humiliate you before you get it? He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect women or himself. Is it the drama that you like? Do you like being a victim? Grow up and take some responsibility because you can not change him. It takes a hell of a lot more than love to keep a relationship together.

How was that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:30pm
That is good advise and something I know but can't find the strength to do. I always end up calling him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:35pm
Take back your power and STOP seeing him, talking to him and listening to him. Hon, he's a liar and a cheater. He's not going to change. He's having a good time with a younger woman, he's ego must be larger than life because of that. Anyway, enough about him.

Focus on you and your healing. First, go back to your therapist and find out of the meds you are on are still the right ones. Talk about the depression, don't dismiss it.

Then work on your self-esteem:

When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)

YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices or behaviors. And you will be fine without him. Yes, you hurt, but you should be ANGRY (depression is sometime anger turned inward) be angry with him, stop seeing him so you can stop being angry that you are listening to his lies and holding on to false hope that he will change.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:46pm
Bad choices = unhappiness. Period. End of story. Keep making bad choices and you'll guarantee your unhappiness for as long as you do. It's not about what others are doing TO you. It's about what YOU are choosing for yourself. Nobody's forcing you to stay with this loser. It's you doing that, of your own free will. Why? Sure it's hard to break away and change your pattern of behavior. But it's a whole lot easier than living the miserable way you're living! Take a deep breath and look at yourself in the mirror. You are WASTING the precious time God gave you on this earth. You have a mind, a free will. Make some GOOD choices for yourself, wise up, and start taking your life back into your own hands. Your unhappiness is your own responsibility. Through hard work and effort, you can be happy, content and have a great life -- it's up to YOU and nobody else. Nobody here or anywhere else can help you if you refuse to do what's necessary to help yourself. I personally think it's a shame and a great sin to waste a precious life making poor choices, whining, complaining and crying about "poor me." Look around. You have a lot of things others aren't fortunate enough to have. Food, clothing, housing, freedom. Stop wasting it all away for some loser guy who you should've kicked to the curb the moment you found him in bed with someone else. Have you no dignity? No pride? You'll never wind up with anything better than exactly what you accept for yourself. Keep accepting a lying cheater of a lout, but don't expect happiness and Prince Charming to come of it.

Hope this helps shake some sense into you (I tried!). Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 4:06am

honey. not getting dressed and not leaving the house/taking care of your pet ---- sounds like depression. this is nothing to do with HIM, this is your time to focus on YOU. if you are not well, then you will continue to be in unhealthy relationships (BTDT). you deserve to be happy, but only YOU can make the healthy choices. get back to your doctor, find the meds that WORK for you, get to therapy.


life ain't easy, for any of us.