Two Years in a Nutshell - I just want him to love me. What should I do? Why am I mad and sad?

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Two Years in a Nutshell - I just want him to love me. What should I do? Why am I mad and sad?
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Sun, 09-09-2012 - 1:30am

Ive known my husband for about 6 years now. He went to school in South Carolina and I went to college in NY. I met him randomly near where I lived in NY and we always remained friends. When he would come home from college we would hang out - go to the movies - do your normal early 20s stuff.
When I graduated college - I moved back to Oklahoma (where I had lived for several years of my life when I was younger) and I ended up pregnant by my once high school boyfriend - who now had nothing going for him and was driving 120 miles per hour down a dead end road. I decided that at 24 years old I was going to have this baby and do it on my own. I think back and feel that no one pregnant, scared, and alone (1500 miles away from all family in NY) should be allowed to make this type of decision. Not that I am for abortion - but just that its a very serious decision and commitment to make.

I had my son in January of 2010 - the best thing that ever happened to me my was my son. I smartened up right away and knew that I couldn't raise my son alone in Oklahoma so I moved back to NY where my family was and started to raise my son. At the same time I moved back to NY - my now husband had also just recently moved home from college in South Carolina. So here we were both in NY - the first time ever. EXCEPT...

I was a 24 year old single mother - working part time and going to school for masters. I was struggling and really couldn't date. I would find that on Saturday nights when my friends where out having fun and living the single life - I was in bed by 8 and exhausted. Jake always asked me to hang out and I just couldn't - I would either tell him that I was going to meet him out and not - or just not answer him. Over that summer we might of hung out about 4-5x. Eventually he told me that when I was ready to hang out to give him a call.
In September of 2010 - we hung out randomly one day and I saw a completely different side of him. We met at his dads and house and spontaneously decided to go play miniature golf, we then went to a local restaurant and had a beer and pizza outside and just chatted, and then he asked me if I wanted to go to his football draft with him - so I did. I fell in love with Jake that day. He was everything I wanted... funny, caring, manly (ya know the football draft) and more.

Jake & I began to date, it wasn't too fast or too slow. It was just right. Although Jake had a different lifestyle - he had lots of friends because he grew up and lived in this area his whole life. I don't have LOTS of friends in this area or even at all because I moved around a lot as a kid. In my opinion Jake had the life that I wished I had. (My mom is with a pedophile who molested my sister and I for years and now doesn't talk to us, my dad was an alcoholic, but now recovered and the best dad and grandpa. My mom is still out of the picture)  - Ok so as I was saying... jake had lots of friends, worked 3-11 pm, went out almost every night, and just partied it up. Well since I was so into him - I had to live this lifestyle too! I was in the fast lane - leaving my 10 month old son with my dad and grandma more than I should have.
I knew Jake was the one for me. And I always thought 'this would be perfect if I didn't have a son' I was convinced that he wasn't going to take part of that - and I couldn't picture him as a father yet either. In December of 2010 I introduced Connor & Jake. I was in shock to how well he was with him - and all of our friends were too. So many people commented on how Jake was with Connor. At this point I was so in love with him. And now he was even good with my son. In February of 2011 - Jake & I went to Dominican Republic on a vacation. From the time we started dating and up until now - I worked a job that was paying me well and my dad was helping a lot. I had a lot of money to spend and showered Jake all the time. We went to great sporting evens, vacations, Atlantic City, etc - money wasn't an issue for us, because I was spending it.

When Jake & I were leaving for vacation - I told him that when we got back we would have to take a break because our relationship was getting serious - and I couldn't keep doing things that Connor couldn't be a part of. He was against us breaking up - and all for taking the plunge. I still wanted to take the break because I was guilty - I felt like I was holding Jake back. I knew how at times I felt like I was missing out because my friends could do things when I couldn't because I had a son - and I didn't want this to happen to Jake. But he insisted that he wanted to be a part of our lives - so we moved forward.
I am a very career driven person, I want to make good money, succeed and give my son and family great things. At this time, I was living in an apt near Jakes house and Jake still worked the 3-11 job - doing manual labor. I had talked to Jake before about what he wanted to do and he always expressed that where he was at this point wasn't what he wanted to do. Jake has 6 credits to go in college and he didn't finish. I still really wish he would finish! I told Jake about this idea I had with Insurance. I started studying insurance agencies, how much they make, etc etc. and I shared this with Jake. He seemed interested and we kinda joked around about opening one up. I told my boss about this and he mentioned it to his insurance agent  - next thing you know they offered to let Jake intern at their agency - and even pay for half of his test. So Jake decided to take this journey and I supported him. Jake had to leave his 3-11 job because he wasn't able to intern and take the classes that he needed to take the insurance exam. So I decided that I would help support Jake while he was bettering himself and beginning his career. Jake also helped out tremendously with Connor - he would take him to daycare, pick him up, watch him for me when I worked nights etc. Jake moved in since he was no longer making money to pay rent.

THIS IS WHEN IT STARTED TO CHANGE. From March 2011 - June 2011 Jake and I went from a couple who partied, went to sporting events, games, casinos, etc, and lived separate  - to a couple that lived together, depended on one income (mine) and had a child. All in a period of three months- WOW.

So Jake was interning this one time at the agency and I found out that he lied to me and told me he was at work but he was really out playing disc golf.  I was so angered, A that he lied, but B that he would go play disc golf when I am supporting him and he should be interning. Now I am not sure if that is unfair of me and controlling to feel that way but thats how I felt.

Mothers day came in May and Jake didnt even get me a card. This was the first mothers day that I had a man - Jake in my life. He did take us to this zoo/farm and it was a good day. That night when we got back - his friends were at his old house drinking and he asked me if I cared if he went. I was so angry that he would even ask me that because it was mothers day - he got mad that I was mad and stormed out with a 12 pack of beer and of course went to his friends house.

During this same time, one of his best friends was getting married and Jake was in the wedding. Jake had no income, had even borrowed more than 1,000 from me, and came to me and told me that the guys were going on the bachelor party to Myrtle Beach and he wanted to know if he could go. I was so hurt, that he would ask this of me? To pay for this on top of all the things that I have been paying for him. And the fact that he asked me and put me in the position to feel bad the he wouldn't get to go unless  I gave him the money - so of course I had to send him. He ended up not going the day before the trip because we had a family emergency. But none the less the whole fact that he asked me made me feel used.

Jake started to say that I was mean to him and would cut him down for things. I am not sure if at this time I was doing that or not. And I know that my heart loves him so much that I would never intentionally hurt Jake. I do know that I have a passive aggressive personality and if i am upset about things like I explained above, I could make snide comments, etc. I really need to work on that.

We started to get into arguments and what were were going to do or where we were gonna go out too. I think deep down I was just upset that we were even talking about that. I guess looking back I shouldn't have expected him to just drop everything all at once but I felt that going to the bar on Saturdays for 6 hours DURING THE DAY wasn't family like and not what we should be doing. I felt that he wanted to be out with his friends more than being home, and he insisted that wasn't how he felt.

A few times he would gamble and lose money and I would get so mad because he had no money to lose - it was my money that he was losing.

I forgot to mention - the insurance agency Jake was interning at offered jake a JOB when he passed his test. So as he did pass his test because he is smart and can do anything he puts his mind too - they offered him a job. The problem with this JOB is that it was solely based on commission, this was  a tiny agency, that didn't have anything to offer Jake  - but he believed they offered him the world! I told Jake, even argued with him that this wasn't the job to take and now that he passed the exam he should at least look around at other opportunities. I told him that he needed to have a job that paid a base wage and then commission - so he could have income to rely on. He didn't listen to me. Everything his boss Dave said at this agency was GOLD - it was the WORD to Jake. He chose this agency and Dave over me time and time again.

There were a handful of times that Jake would go out and just not come home. He would get drunk and walk back to his old house that his roommates still lived in. This really upset me because I didn't understand how he could not call or text and say he wasn't coming home, and why he didn't want to come home.  I never wanted to be doing something if it wasn't with Jake and I didn't feel that he felt the same way.
Back in January of 2011 - Jake was so in love with me. I can remember it. How he talked to me helped me, he would clean my car off when it snowed, all things that made me love him even more. He even once told me that I was everything he wanted in a woman. Now he tells me that he doesn't even want to be with me and have been miserable for so long.

We started arguing that summer we moved in - summer of 2011. Eventually the arguments got worse and even got a little physical. They would always come down to  him storming out - and me begging him not to leave. I think I just couldn't handle the idea of him leaving.

I came up with this idea that I wanted my son to have a house. I hated the tiny apartment and I was spending a lot of money on rent! I decided that it was my duty to give my son something I never had  - a home! I started thinking about building a home - I already had a mortgage broker in place, was all set with what I was doing for financing -but we needed land. Jakes family had lots of land - turns out thought htye didnt want to give any up. So Jake and I started looking at homes to buy. Jake was all for it. A couple of times we got into a few arguments, I remembered him once saying that he didn't understand why I wasn't fun anymore - and why I was so insistent on buying a home and growing up. I felt deceived. I thought this is what Jake liked about me. That I had these goals and was driven. Maybe he just liked that I was a fun time when I got drunk? Im not sure now. Or that I had money to spend and buy him tickets to his first Miami football game ever - front row and center!  Now to this day I am not sure.

So we are looking for houses. The day we are meeting the realtor Jake decides to go play golf that morning - and makes us thirty minutes late to meet the realtor. I was so mad. How could he do this. This was so important to me. He didnt even have the money to play golf!

Jake started working in July of 2011, on a commission only base for this agency. Between July of 2011 and December 2011 - jake earned a total of 2,000. We would have scream out throw down fights about this place. I would tell him he needed to get a different job, he needed to make more money. I was working two jobs and his one was costing me money. It cost me more money to send my son to daycare and pay for gas for him to work the he earned. MUCH MUCH MORE! He treated me like I was a monster for feeling this way. And he blamed me for being mean and cutting him down. Every argument that was started over something ended up being about how mean and unfair I was to him. He said he told me when he first started this job that it would take him over a year to start succeeding and I set him up for failure because I gave him 6 months. To me, 6 months was too long. We were planning to buy a house and had a child to think about.  6 months passed - and we still argued and argued about this job.

In October of 2011 my lease was up and we placed an offer on a home. At this time we moved in with Jakes dad to save money and plan for the new house. Jake still worked at the insurance agency and our fights got worse. Not as verbal because his dad was around - but when his dad wasn't. They were pretty bad. Jake probably broke up with me about ten times because of how mean I was to him. I would beg to come back - threaten to kill myself etc. Sometimes I wish I had killed myself. I spent my entire leaving feeling not good enough for my mom and somehow now I wasn't good enough for Jake.

I wanted an engagement ring. I wanted to take that plunge - I was ready. And I let Jake know. I even picked out my own engagement ring. He didn't have the money to buy me one - but he did. He borrowed 1,000 from my aunt (that I paid back) and charged the rest of it on our American Express that I also paid back. So on Christmas in December of 2011 we got engaged.

In January of 2012 - my attorney called me and said that my sons biological father was gonna file for full custody (all the way in Oklahoma - HA) because they were garnishing child support. Jake - on his own decided that he wanted to adopt Connor. Part of the adoption involved us getting married. On January 17th - Jake & I married at the city hall for my son. Jake had tears in his eyes that day I know it. We invited our parents and this is still a big secret from our friends and family as our church wedding is March 30 2013.

We closed on our house in February of 2012. We both love our house. We fight about the house chores, we each think we do more. We are very mean to each other.

In February of 2012 Jake still worked for the insurance agency - he finally stopped working for them in May of 2012. Between January 2012 and May of 2012 Jake made 1700 - again cost more for him to work then not. We still continued to argue about it. He blamed it on me not giving him enough time. In the end the agency screwed him out of his last pay and he knows I was right. This August Jake started a new job with an agency that offered base plus commission. I find myself even more angry that he didnt look for these opportunities a year ago. He would be in a better place for himself career wise and financially for us. I seem to have  a hard time letting this go.

In June & July of 2012 - Jake worked with my dad for his company  - that was the most money Jake brought in .. in our entire relationship.

This is in a nutshell the things that have happened in our two years of our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It seems like there are a lot of issues that you want to control here.  When you started dating you were already on the career/ higher education path and he hadn't finished college and was working manual labor.  You didn't give him a chance to see what he would come up with or tell him that it was important to you that he finished college--you basically chose his career in insurance for him.  So he goes along with that, you even find him the internship & he moves in with you--not because he and you decided together that you should take this step in your relationship because of love and getting serious, but because he had no money and this was basically the only way to get him to do the internship.  Then instead of being happy that he's going along with your plan, you are still resentful that you are supporting him (he's spending my money).  It seems to me that if a couple makes a plan where one of them is going to go to school or get some kind of training where that person isn't going to be making money the other person should go along with this willingly or not at all--you have to look at the big picture, that it might be a temporary hardship, but then that person has a new career.  So he goes along, passes the test & then you are unhappy that he wants to work for this same place--the place that YOU found him the internship with and the guy who basically trained him in the industry. 

I really don't get the mother's day issue at all.  I am a mother & to me a mother's day card or gift is supposed to come from your child.  Of course when they are little, sometimes the father helps pick out the card--but Jake is neither your son or your child's father so I don't even understand why he should be getting you anything for mother's day--that is a wierd expectation to me.  Now I don't agree that he should have been going out & getting drunk and not telling you where he was but I also think your expectation that basically he should never do anything w/ his friends & spend all his free time with you is wrong too--he should have some time where he gets to be with his friends.  And I think you should have time where you get to go out with your friends--if you don't have friends, then that is not Jake's fault.  It's never good for a couple to be spending 100% of their time together and have no outside friends.

Then YOU decide it's time to buy a house--did Jake have any part in this decision at all?  It doesn't seem so.  Again, you are berating him for not making enough money because you are the one who wants to buy a house, you drag him along to the realtor.  You pciked out your own engagement ring--did Jake even ask you to get married?  It seemed like you went right from him breaking up with you all the time, to you threatening suicide to getting engaged and married right away so your ex wouldnt' be able to get custody of your son--not that he probably could have anyway.  I don't see any sign or romance in there or thinking about whether this would be a good step for the two of you considering that you were always arguing & fighting--does that sound like the basis of a good marriage?  The whole relationship seems horrible and that the 2 of you are mismatched--you want to control everything he does, you fight about it, then when he tells you you are mean you get upset & can't stand the thought of him leaving.  I'd definitely suggest some counseling for you to determine what the best course of action would be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006

Being in a relationship where you threaten to kill yourself (and then wish you had) during arguments is extremely unhealthy. Not to mention what you are putting your son through (and I don't believe for a second your son doesn't know about the fights if they're as loud and physical as you say they are).

This is a toxic, unhealthy relationship. Your son will grow up and have a toxic, unhealthy relationship himself...or he'll say he never wants to marry based on what he saw growing up.

I recommend ending the marriage, staying far away from this Jake guy and then getting you and your son into therapy.

Oh and BTW...you don't "just want him to love me".  You want him to have a better paying job, you want him to want to spend weekends with you & your son, you want him to stop partying and staying overnight with his buddies, you want him to want to buy a house with you and you want to be able to dictate how he spends your money (because after all, it's YOUR money).  That's a whole lot more than just wanting love.  Since you want these things and he doesn't seem to be willing to go along with your plans, you need to realize that he's wrong for you and you're wrong for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

mdm210, what you're experiencing now is the result of marrying someone who had clearly not made you happy for a very long time.   You're miserable, he's miserable and he likely only stays because you beg him.

There is no fixing a marriage which is such a trainwreck.   I suspect that he'd need a personality transplant to make you happy.

It's time to admit the folly of marrying him and divorce.  I don't know the laws about annulment, but as your family and friends don't know you're married, perhaps that's an option.

.