Ultimatum to Lose Weight... or Break Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Ultimatum to Lose Weight... or Break Up
6
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:01pm

Dr. Shoshanna:

This afternoon my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum that I needed to lose weight... or else.

He said some really hurtful things about the way I look right now - in a nutshell, I disgust him and he's not attracted to me. This past year, I've had a lot of bad things happen health-wise and had major surgery. I've taken too long to bounce back to my normal size 8 self. Lingering in a 10/12 at 5'7'', I see myself as needing to lose weight... but not as the disgusting thing he told me I am.

Should I really lose the weight for the sole purpose of saving my relationship?? I want to lose it for myself, but being FORCED to lose it seems rather childish and silly. Is this normal??

-Sadie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:16am

Sadie, could I say that where your weight is now is healthy. Your BMI would be perfect. At a size 8, you'd actually be underweight.

I would suggest you kick this guy to the kerb. Anyone who says you must be underweight in order to please him is not the kind of person you want to be with.

The only time I can see weight as being a real dealbreaker would be when someone's weight/fitness level prevents them from doing leisure activities such as walking, hiking, swimming, skiing etc. Or if an overweight person continually sabotaged their healthy partner's efforts to stay slim. But this is hardly where you're at!!!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:41am

Sadie,

I agree with iv_aisha; it sounds like you are at a healthy weight for your height. I can understand if you feel like you need to get in shape or tone up since sometimes we aren't always as active as we should be, but this guy sounds like he has major insecurities and he's taking them out on you. You don't need that kind of negativity at all. Lose the guy, and lose weight if it makes you feel healthier and more energetic, but definitely don't listen to what he's saying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:37pm

Welcome to the board sxysadie82,


Read 'Relationship Rescue' by Phil McGraw, it talks about physical appearance and weight before you decide what to do.


However, his saying negative things to you about your weight, well, I can't understand people that try to motivate a person to do what they want through insults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:53pm

Thank you everyone for your great advice! I will go out and get the book by Dr. Phil tonight. This issue is really controversial and I believe both my boyfriend and I are right about SOME things... but the insults took the whole thing over the line. He insulted my body so much that I don't think I can be physical with him for a long time. It just kind of shut me down.

Thanks again for your advice! I really, really love knowing there are people out there who care about not only their own issues, but the issues of others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 4:10pm
yes, please also follow the advice to leave this guy. you deserve better. gl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 5:12pm
Couldn't agree more...I'm a 14/16 and still have issues with being self-concious. But my boyfriend tells me everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful, and builds me up if I'm starting to feel the old insecurities coming back. In addition, if I decide to try and work on my weight, he always notices and makes nice comments about it. There ARE guys in the world who won't force this issue on you. Like someone said before, change if you want to for YOU, but don't let this jerk give you such a ridiculous and UNCARING ultimatum. You are more than a little extra meat on your bones!!