Unbiased opinions needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Unbiased opinions needed
5
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:40pm
Hello everyone. I'd first like to get general opinions from everyone on how long the 'dating' stage of the relationship lasts. I know that not all dating situations turn into serious relationships, but when things are going well, how long generally until you decide to become an exclusive couple?

I've been seeing this guy for 10 months now. And, we're still "just dating". It is driving me crazy, because it makes me feel like he's stringing me along. In certain ways, he is very caring and considerate. But, there are other parts that just raises red flags. My family and friends are so outdone when I tell them that he has never come to my house to visit. I have two small children (4 and 5) and he has none. I understood in the beginning, because I did not want him to start a relationship with my children if he wasn't going to be around. But...it is 10 months later! Another is that his mom lives out of state and was here visiting for a week around Christmas. He did not introduce me to his mother. That entire week, I just didn't see him. We exchanged gifts after his mother left town. The couple of times that I've brought up taking our relationship to another level, he once told me "I like things the way they are". Another time, he responded by saying "If we decided to be in a relationship tomorrow, what would change". These things make me feel like being with him is pointless. But then he turns around and does really sweet things for me.

I am 25 years old, so I am young, but I am also a mother of 2. My children's father and I married when we were 19 but it did not last. We divorced when we were 22. I am not interested in simply casually dating. I would like to find a relationship that could possible mature into a commitment.

Am I wasting my time and energy on this man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:53pm
Well, seriously that can be either a good thing or a bad thing. I mean good thing because he may not be ready or prepare to get into a serious relationship with someone who's got two children or he may not be prepare to get "settled"; while, he's still being faithful. The bad part would be that he doesnt feel comfortable enough with you where he needs to present you his mother and vice versa. If you guys have been dating for about 10months, 10 months is wayyyyyyy over enough time to decide whether the relationship is worth dealing with and enhancing it or NOT!!!. If he still hasnt mentioned anything about moving further with you, then my gues would be that he's either not ready, or he's got some other "woods" lying in his back trunk.

Who knows, he may not feel comfortable with you in terms of relationship (in depth) but then again he just doesnt find a way to let it be known.

Good Luck,

Marlene ^_^

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:05pm
I probably expect/anticipate someone to date me exclusively after the first date. I don't like to date more than one person at a time, seriously or not. As far as when the relationship gets more serious, I guess it's just when it's comfortable for both of you. Both need to be sensitive to the other's feelings on this point.

It kind of does sound like you're wasting your time and energy on this guy unless he starts saying and doing differently. It doesn't sound like this guy is ready to make any kind of committment to you at this time. If you want more, you might want to wait, to see if that works. Or you could start dating others as there's no spoken or implied agreement about exclusivity. Maybe that would make him think twice, who knows. Either way, I guess I wouldn't pin too much hope on this guy. He sounds like he's non-committal. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:14pm
Personally I do think you're wasting your time. Every dating relationship is different; there is no set time frame. But 10 months is a LONG time to date and not be exclusive. He's told you he likes it the way it is. Listen to him. He doesn't want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship with you and after 10 months he would by now if he was going to. That's my opinion anyway. He likes things as they are, so if you're looking for more than this is (which is different than what he wants, with you), move on b/c this isn't the right man for you. The right man for you IMO will be a man who is EAGER to be exclusive with you. He'll WANT to "take you off the market" and have you to himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:45pm
my very first reaction is to say "yes, you are wasting your time". my second reaction is to think things through and be less reactive. There are men who will date you indefinitely. There are men who will date you until pushed to committ to something more. I think its time to find out which kind of man this is. I would simply ask.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:54am
Why in the world would any woman want to be with a man who needs to be "pushed to commit to something more"? Yikes. I'd rather wait and find a man who is enthusiastic about committing to me, who wants it on his own and doesn't need to be forced into it. To the original poster -- you have all the info you need on what this man is looking for, what he wants, and what he is not interested in (with you). Take that info and if it doesn't match your own wants and needs, move on. Don't try to force or convince or "push" someone into being with you for goodness sake!