Uncertain and unsatisfied

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Uncertain and unsatisfied
2
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 6:48pm

I've been married for five and half years and have a year old son. My husband and I met when we were both 17, and we married when we were 19. My husband is my best friend, but lately I have started to question if I just married my best friend, instead of marrying my best friend and lover.

Here's the situation: when I married my husband he had some extra baggage. He always talked about playing football and being active, and about how he wanted to lose the weight. I'm an in-shape, attractive woman who values physical activity. Now, five and half years after our wedding day, he's packed on an additional 60 pounds. I can barely stand to look at him naked, as he's now 90 lbs. overweight.

I constantly get grossed out during sex, making it awkward and unsatisfying for me. We're relegated to missionary style and me on top because of his weight, which has made sex unadventurous and boring. My husband does not satisfy me in bed; as a matter of fact, he doesn't even turn me on. I have no desire to have sex with him.

But I do have a desire to have sex with other men who are in shape. I feel that I've cheated myself by only having sex with my husband and never experiencing fully what sex can be with someone you are physically attracted to. I don't believe in divorce or cheating, so I am very unsatisfied.

I have had some issues regarding sex as I was raped when I was 5 years old. I've been to therapy and worked through the bulk of my issues. For a while, I was having anxiety attacks when I knew my husband wanted to have sex. I've gotten over these, and now that I've worked through my problems, I think I'm realizing for the first time, what the sexual experience is really like.

I love my husband and have tried everything to help/motivate him to lose weight. While he's very unhappy with his weight, he doesn't do anything because he really enjoys food, and it's one of the pleasures he can easily indulge in. Plus, he doesn't think that if he lost the weight, it would make me want to have sex with him (more often).

I'm frustrated and uncertain and unsatisfied. While I don't believe in divorce, I am finding myself questioning getting married so young, and am beginning to question what I really do think about divorce.

Please help me. I'm afraid to talk to my husband about this because it will be a huge blow to his self-esteem and I don't want to hurt him. He loves me so much and has been patient and kind as I have worked through my issues. I really do believe that if he lost the weight, our sex life would turn around. He remains unconvinced. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 10:18pm
WoW!, this a quite the problem.... Coming from someone who use to be very overweight wich I lost after I joined the army... I can say he realizes he is obese and he knows its a huge problem but I don't think he thinks its as big of a problem as it is... I think your best bet is to tell him the jist of what you just told us.... Tell him you've caught yourself being attracted to physically fit men but that you haven't acted on it because you dont believe in cheating and you love him too much to do that and tell him divorce has crossed your mind but keep reassuring him that you don't want to go that route because you love him to death and want your desires fulfilled by him! I almost guarantee that will wake him up as to how big the problem really is and let him know that HE is the only one who can change it BUT you will be there every step of the way to help him lose the weight and to help him through the hard times and now I am the furthest from a relationship guru as I am in quite the predicament myself but If I was your husband this is what I would want from you hun...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 12:34am

Welcome to the board readerle,


Consider getting the book Relationship Rescue, by Phil McGraw and do the tests in the book together and talk about it.... he covers physical attractiveness.