Uncertainties

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Uncertainties
23
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 3:15pm

I'm in my late fifties and have been involved with the same man for almost three years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: dabela
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 4:28pm

Hi Dabela, he's indicated that he'd like to get married 'someday'.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: dabela
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 5:50pm

Totally agree with true blue. There is no "reasonable" timeline on grief. Everyone moves on at their own pace. He clearly is not ready to commit to you or completely move on from his wife and if you're not prepared to wait as long as it takes (which may be much longer than you'd like), you need to consider ending the relationship.

Although there are similarities, getting over a death is also very different to getting over a divorce. You seem to be comparing the two in the sense that when you got together, it had been about 5 years since you divorced and now it's been 5 years since his wife died and so you seem to be expecting him to be in the same place you were at 5 years on - over it and moving on. It's unfair to look at it this way - because there was no "break up" or decline of the relationship, it's much harder to move on from a death and it's not unusual for people to feel guilty that they are involved with someone else now, as though they are betraying their deceased spouse. What he is going through is not the same thing as what you went through and even if it were, you can't expect everyone to move on at the same pace you did. He will talk about the future when he's ready. He is not ready and he may not be for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 12:06am

I agree with the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 3:50am

My main fear is that if I do bring it up, he will clean out her stuff, maybe even put his house on the market as soon as he is sure his youngest daughter won't be coming back after college. (She says she isn't but nowadays you can't be sure the kids will have jobs).

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 6:11am
"My main fear is that if I do bring it up, he will clean out her stuff, maybe even put his house on the market as soon as he is sure his youngest daughter won't be coming back after college. (She says she isn't but nowadays you can't be sure the kids will have jobs). But he won't do it because he is ready but because he is afraid of losing me."

Which is exactly why you shouldn't bring it up and just let him do it when he's ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 11:45am

But isn't all of life uncertain?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 1:27pm

I completely and totally understand where you're coming from!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: dabela
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 8:17pm

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't bring it up and just let him do it when he's ready."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: dabela
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 9:05pm
fissatore wrote:

I completely and totally understand where you're coming from!

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: dabela
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 6:42am
"And what is it that he should do to meet my needs?"

If he is not capable of giving you what you need, pushing him into it isn't the right answer. If you really can't wait for him to be ready to talk about the future, maybe he isn't right for you. Ending the relationship might seem extreme but you have to decide what is more important to you: being with him or being with someone who is ready to talk about the future. That's what it comes down to. Because the only alternative is pressuring him to move forward before he's ready which isn't right.

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