Unhealthy friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Unhealthy friends
5
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:49am
My girlfriend and I have come to a stand off. A male friend of hers that she has known for about 4 months and I got in to a petty argument about something he accussed me of doing . It created alot of arguments and tension between my girlfriend and I. I have never personally met this guy. In an effort to resolve the situation I called him up to try resolve this petty argument. He was very defensive and began to insult me, we ended the call on a bad note. I was very angry and told my girl friend to pick me or him, and that I would never feel comfortable with this guy as one of her friends. She said that is very unfare and felt it was being controling and would not make a choice. I felt may be it was wrong for me to ask her to chose and did not want to lose her over such a petty thing and we agreed to compromise. One night we were out and he had called and asked her over, she told him she was out with me and if it was ok with him I did not have a problem coming over and that I would like to be friends, he did not want me coming over and obviously does not want to be friends. I told her that is my last effort at resolving this, and that I don't believe two people can have a good relationship if there are friends that don't respect the relationship. I guess what I am asking is under the circumstances was it wrong for me to ask her to chose betwwen our relationship and his friendship, and can there be a good relationship with this kind of friend involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:35am
I think your friend is right. I am sure many of us don't adore our friend's spouses but for the sake of the friendship we do whatever is possible to keep the peace. If keeping the peace means you see her when he's not around, so be it. Sounds like there's another side of this story - do you find yourself in these types of confrontational situations often, with people you barely know but who are friends with your friend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:43am


There's one factor in here that would influence my advice which you don't provide. Is this guy gay? If he were, I would say, "Oh, just back off..." Same thing if he were a woman. I would say that eventually things would die down and you could work things out.

But if it's a straight man there could be other things at play. A guy who has a beef with you who wants to spend exclusive alone time with your gf is a problem. You didn't say whether his invitation to come over, which excluded you, was going to be a group thing or just the two of them, either.

So, I sympathize and think you're right. Friends need to respect the relationship, and on the whole they should try to put aside petty differences. You wanted to go to his house and make peace. He didn't want you there.

Now, there's a lot of details that aren't provided. Like Deena, I don't know what your argument was about. That argument and its aftermath could have revealed you to be a complete jerk, who this guy has a RIGHT not to want around. You say it was "petty" but I don't really know the circumstances involved. I'm not keen on seeing an old friend's husband myself, because of the particularly abominable way he treated me years ago.

However I attempt to avoid him. I don't tell my friend I hate him and that her husband isn't welcome in my home.

Where you erred, I think, is in asking her to choose between you. You knew that was wrong and she did too. She refused. Now, even though the situation has escalated and perhaps does merit her putting this guy out of her life (perhaps--again I don't know you and the details of your argument with this guy), she doesn't want to send you the message that ultimatums work and are okay.

What I'd do is completely remove all anger or any hint that you might be controlling in this issue. Tell her, "Look, I care about you but it's obvious to me you want to maintain a friendship with another guy who hates me and who wants to spend time with you without me around. This hurts my feelings. I'm not opposed to you having friends but I think this is a bad situation. It wouldn't be such a problem if we were just friends. So how about we cool the romance and you have us BOTH as friends?"

If she balks at that, you can discuss the situation further. What I would ask for is that she tell the guy you want to be friends and work things out, and if he doesn't, that's fine, but she's not going over there without you all the time because that's destructive to her relationship. If he wants to see her, he can see YOU as well.

We haven't covered the possibility that he wants her for himself, which is possible.

Your gf should be sensitive to your feelings, whether his guy is straight or gay, or if it was a girlfriend doing this.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:50pm
Thank you for your response, I wish we could have a three way conversation because there is not more to the story. I never have confrontations with people, we have many mutual and indivitual freinds, and we all get along. I just feel I have made two strong efforts to resolve this and he can't respect that.I have one hundred percent trust in my girlfriend but I am uncomfortable with this guy. I would think his unwillingness to amend this is reason enough for my G.F. to end that friendship.

By the way the argument was over a phone call. He thought I called him one night out of jealosy and was asking alot of inappropriate questions. I was with my G.F. that night and she verified that I didn't make that call. Maybe he has an issue with not respecting peoples relationships, because it must be someone elses jealous boyfriend


Thankyou

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:57pm
Thank you for your response, I wish we could have a three way conversation because there is not more to the story. I never have confrontations with people, we have many mutual and indivitual freinds, and we all get along. I just feel I have made two strong efforts to resolve this and he can't respect that.I have one hundred percent trust in my girlfriend but I am uncomfortable with this guy. I would think his unwillingness to amend this is reason enough for my G.F. to end that friendship.

By the way the argument was over a phone call. He thought I called him one night out of jealosy and was asking alot of inappropriate questions. I was with my G.F. that night and she verified that I didn't make that call. Maybe he has an issue with not respecting peoples relationships, because it must be someone elses jealous boyfriend

Thankyou

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 2:25pm
Yes I think it is inappropriate for you to ask her to choose it there is nothing romantic going on but the biger issue is why she wants to be friends with this guy who obviously is after her romantically. Why is she continuing to be friends with him if he is acting like a child and won't meet you and who accuses you of doing something you didn't. Is he lying to make you look bad? What does she see in him as a friend?