Unrealistic Expectations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Unrealistic Expectations?
4
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:36pm
I'm 31 years old. The mother of an 18 month old darling girl. Married for almost 5 years. I knew there would be times in my marriage when I did not want to be married, but I'm having trouble knowing if this is just one of those times or if it's something more.

My husband and I both have successful careers. We moved cross country to be closer to family, started new jobs, and had a baby in less than 6 months. My husband’s job requires 40-50% travel. Our lives have been and continue to be hectic.



Problem #1

Through all this we have drifted apart. My husband and I have not been intimate since Feb 03 and just once since my daughter was born. I am almost 100% sure he is not cheating. Yet, anyway. But, that's not what really concerns me. He is high-maintenance, something I knew and accepted. But, these days, it seems ridiculous. I'm giving my daughter 95% of her care. His life hasn't really changed, he's still indulging in all the things that he loves - golf, softball, travel, etc. I believe strongly in partners having their own interests and personal time, so it's difficult for me to discourage him. The last thing I want is a resentful husband. But, he gets angry on the few occasions I need his help, even if it's a work commitment. When we do things without our daughter, it is always with friends or family. Every vacation, every night out, is with other people. And when we do go out, he acts like he's still in college - drinking until he's sick and acting like an idiot. Has he no sense of responsibility? Inevitably, marriage changes once you have kids, but I feel that the only thing that has been sacrificed here is me. If there are no sports, no friends, no family, no work, etc. then he might have time for me. If he was still in love with me wouldn't he want to spend time with me? Is there any possibility that he does still love me? He says the right things, but there are no actions to support it. Does he think the effort isn’t necessary anymore? I just don't want to have to ask for it, it will mean less than not getting it. I'm extremely independent and self-sufficient so it's not that I'm afraid to be on my own. For the sake of my daughter, I just don't want to give up too easily.

Problem #2

To top it all off, I met someone else. I was working very closely with him for 9 months. He's married as well, and 2 days before leaving the assignment revealed his feelings for me. I was stunned. It just never even occurred to me. The evening before he left we went to dinner and he made an advance. Nothing happened, but it took all my willpower to stop it. I don't think he is the cheating type or that he is just after a fling. It seems far more serious than that. I am confused about how I feel towards him. There is definitely something there, I just don’t know what. Fortunately, he is no longer in the immediate area, but we continue to correspond via e-mail. A work commitment brings us back together again in July and I’m afraid of what might happen.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:59am
You and your husband need to do some serious work on what exists for your relationship. It is not at all fair that you are doing all the work with your child. It is not okay he is spending a lot of time outside the relationship with friends and his interests. You are on a one way street. You must not let this continue.

It is also not okay that you are not doing fun things together and being intimate. The fact that you could have feelings for someone you have spent a lot of time with is natural and you should not feel guilty but use this as a call to attention that you have needs and they are not being met by your husband. It is good that you showed willpower and stayed true.

I think you need professional counseling. But if he won't go then you should go without him. You do not deserve this behavior.

The best gift you can give your child is a happy mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:40am
You sound like a reasonable woman.

problem 1) Aisle/altar/hymn....does not mean "I'll alter him". HE didn't change his priorities and values after marriage...why change them with added responsibilities of children? IT's YOU that has standards and priorities that YOU demanded because of YOUR value system that you alter to include children and marriage....and he is willing to do whatever you want, as long as it involves no change overmuch in his lifestyle, or his goals, or his pursuits or proclivities. If you'd not review situations in individual detail as if they're in a vacuum...but review the entirety of your lives together - you'd see that "marriage" didn't alter him either...it's just that you weren't xpecting marriage to change him overmuch...you did "expect" him to change once children, responsibilities, obligations, and reputations became an issue overall. It's not unrealistic to "expect" to have a partner that has 50% of the input, assistance, obligation, and responsibility in a relationship or in parenthood...but in this particular instance expecting it of "him" is quite unrealistic. He's never altered himself or his priorities to accommodate anybody. It seems his "life is great, life is fun, life is enjoyable - if you want that come along for the ride" attitude has prevailed...which might be what originally attracted you - if you weren't much into fun or spontaneity prior to him in your life. so the expectation of him to change to accommodate new responsibilities is unrealistic....and that is causing you much grief. Talk to anybody in a 12-step program and the first thing that they'll tell you is that "my unrealistic expectations led me to have unending emotional unrest and in confusing feelings with facts and goals - I took up _______ to cope because I couldn't figure out how to change the people in my life to meet my expectations."

Problem #2....if the man involved wants to hang out, hook up or have na affair - realize he's into "you" because the situation is convenient, easy, no-obligation, and beneficial to him in every way. It's risky for you - and that is an understatement.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine the character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.

So...nobody is doing anything "for, with, to, about, because of, in spite of, or despite" YOU (except you, of course)....everybody is just doing waht they believe is right based on the values they hold, which justify the actions they take - to get the results they're trying to achieve.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:04am
I have a friend in a similar position to you with regards to her husband and him not fully participating in the upbringing of his daughter. It amazes me that she considers him to be a 'great catch' despite this.

I would say this to your husband: 'I didn't realize we had such different values. Really, when I married you I thought that you were the kind of man who would take the job of parenting his children seriously, and what I'm seeing is a man who values his 'fun' and himself above everything else, including his child.

His value system is WAY off. That he doesn't want to be fully involved and participating in his daughter's life, rather than standing on the sidelines pursuing his fun whilst you do it all - speaks volues about him. Yuck, what a turn off - and I would tell him so.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:18pm
You are not happy in this relationship, so either it changes or you leave it. If one of those things don't happen, you will never be happy. This thing with your coworker is not unexpected, and could easily happen again with someone else if things continue. You have to get the both of you into counseling, if you can't do it on your own. Your husband has an immaturity to him, and he could respond to you immaturely by getting angry, etc. You really have to make it clear things are going to change or you are leaving.