Unreasonable about his ex-FWB?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Unreasonable about his ex-FWB?
17
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 10:46pm

I am in a situation with my boyfriend and I don't know if I am being unreasonable. For about 7 months before we started dating, he had a "friend with benefits" who I will call Lisa. He and Lisa were good friends and hung out together doing normal friend stuff, with the addition that they originally met for the purpose of casual no-strings sex. So, they were also sleeping together but were never romantically involved or dating. He cut off this relationship when we started dating (within hours after our first date ended, in fact). He told me, however, that she had developed feelings for him, as much as he kept reminding her that he did not and never would have feelings for her beyond friendship.

We have now been dating for over a year and Lisa continues to be an issue. He got along with her very well and sees no reason he should lose a friend just because they used to sleep together. Back when they were friends, before he met me, they got a dog together who lives with him but he sees her as the pup's "mommy" and that cutting off contact between her and the dog would be as cruel as if it were an actual child, despite the fact that she never lived with the dog in the first place. However, when he talks with her on the phone or through IM or goes out with her or brings the dog to visit her, it hurts me very much. Because of the sexual beginnings and nature of their past relationship, I am not comfortable with him interacting with her. Just the idea that her original intention with him was "friends with benefits" casual sex makes her an untrustworthy whore in my eyes.

It has gotten to the point that it hurts me so much that she is in his life, that I told him I will be moving out (we have lived together for some time now) as soon as I am able to find a new place within my budget. I explained that I cannot take the pain his interactions with her cause me any more and since I know he is not willing to give up a friend for what he sees as no good reason (he really sees absolutely nothing inappropriate about their relationship), I will be leaving. He was extremely upset by this news and now sees it as a decision he has to make as to which one of us he wants to keep in his life.

He now seems to be avoiding thinking or talking about it until he has to, i.e. I get the job I am a finalist for and get my first paycheck, thereby having the means to move out. I don't want this to be up in the air for the next month or more. I know ultimatums are always bad for a relationship, but how else should I handle this situation? I cannot handle the pain it causes me every time I know he is talking with or seeing her. It really does have to be her or me - how else can this be handled besides an ultimatum and yet still have me keep my self-respect and take care of my needs?

Except for this one issue, we are absolutely perfect for each other and it hurts me so much to think of losing him. But at the same time, I can't continue living with this much pain. The pain of losing him would be less than the pain I feel every time he interacts with her, no matter how deeply in love with him I am. What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:25pm

I am going through some of these same feelings as you--see my posts under the Relationship Saver and Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs.

I know how this feels-dealing with the discomfort his friendship causes. I think, before you go running, you need to think hard about where this comes from. Are you afraid they're going to hook up again? Are you afraid he'll leave you for her?

Does this mean you don't trust him? If you don't trust him, then yes, you should walk. Because there a relationship w/out trust can't work.

But don't fool yourself into thinking that the pain of his friendship with this woman is more than the pain of losing him. Losing someone you love is the worst pain ever.

I also know that feeling that you don't want to give him an ultimatum. There are some men, however, who understand the insecurity that these kinds of friendship cause their loved one, and they are mature and willing to give up the friendship. Many men will give up the friendship but make you feel guilty about it. Other men will absolutely refuse to give up the friendship for you. You have to decide which type your guy is.

If he refuses to give up the friendship, is there any way you can come to a compromise? For example, can he scale down the friendship a little? This is what I asked my bf to do--not see the girl as often. Communicate mainly through email and the phone. Keep contact to a minimum. Would you feel comfortable with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 1:10am

Welcome to the board heather_nw,


In my personal opinion, you are NOT being unreasonable.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 1:19am

I personally don't have a problem with people maintaining friendships with

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 7:43am
This pretty much says everything to me: "Just the idea that her original intention with him was "friends with benefits" casual sex makes her an untrustworthy whore in my eyes." Why is she an untrustworthy whore when they both made the decision back then to have casual sex with each other? It seems like an unreasonable amount of anger you have for her. Your boyfriend is every bit as responsible for anything that's ever happened between them as she is. Anyway, it does sound like leaving is for the best for all concerned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 8:53am

I don't think you're being unreasonable, either.

"He got along with her very well and sees no reason he should lose a friend just because they used to sleep together."
Because it hurts you, and he should respect your feelings over the desire to have a friendship with someone he had sex with for some time. Which I think is a pretty damn good reason.

Not only that, but she started to have feelings for him and it doesn't sound as though they're gone. I also want to point out that I don't think she's an untrustworthy whore, having casual sex with someone you like does not make you a prostitute. You may not like her, but he is as much a part of this as she is.

"He was extremely upset by this news and now sees it as a decision he has to make as to which one of us he wants to keep in his life."
That is an accurate assessment to make. Unfortunately, this decision should have been really easy for him in the beginning.

I don't see your guy as so great. I've never met a wonderful guy who essentially chooses an ex-not-even-girlfriend over someone he is supposed to love and care about. Moving out is the right decision for you. Ultimately, it's not even about this particular girl, but having your feelings respected when there should be absolutely no question. Good luck. I hope he comes to his senses but it seems that if he makes this decision for you then there will be a lot of resentment afterward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 10:10pm

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate the insights and advice you've shared.

A clarification on a rather volatile statement I made: To me (based on my own beliefs regarding sex), the ability to have sex with someone you are not in love with or even romantically involved with comes from a moral basis that makes cheating just as likely, i.e. because she had no problem being his "friend with benefits," I see her as having no respect for relationships and having no problem sleeping with him while he is with me either. This makes her a threat in my eyes whereas someone who only has sex with people they are in love with would not be as much of a threat because that person is more likely to respect relationships. Yes, these are assumptions based on how *I* work, but logic can't always override our base fears and biases. I disapprove of his actions as well, but have an easier time relating to a man who just wants sex than to a woman who just wants sex, wrong as that may be.

I do trust him and know he wouldn't willingly or knowingly cheat on me. However, especially because of her feelings for him and her refusal to meet me or invite me along to anything, I do not trust her. So, I worry about situations arising where she takes advantage of him. This summer the two of them along with several other friends went to a concert and camped overnight - I knew they would all be drinking and was worried that she would get him smashed and then get him to sleep with her. So, while I trust him completely, I take her as completely untrustworthy and a threat since she still has feelings for him.

For him, this is a situation of principles and intentions. Since he has no feelings for her, he sees nothing inappropriate in their staying friends. Also, he sees the very idea of a girlfriend telling him to not be friends with someone anymore as controlling and unacceptable. He sees my request as no different than if I told him to stop hanging out with a male friend, and I can agree that a significant other asking you to cut off a friendship would be crossing a line, if it was as simple as that. In his eyes, she really is absolutely no different than any of his male buddies and therefore he doesn't see how this situation is unique and therefore it is acceptable for me to ask him not to see her anymore, whereas me asking him to cut off a guy friend would not be.

Anyway, we are planning to talk about the situation more tonight - we'll see what kind of thoughts are aired and if any agreement can be arrived at. I agree that I am scared that if he decides to drop her to not lose me, resentment would remain. The only way that can be avoided is if I can somehow convince him of the huge difference between her and just another guy friend, which no matter how many times I have tried so far, he is unable to see.

Edit: Oh, and I thought I should add for information's sake that I am 29 (30 in 3 weeks) and he is 31. He was previously in a 7-year relationship that ended about 2 years ago and I was married for 5.5 years, divorced 2 years ago.




Edited 1/23/2008 11:33 pm ET by heather_nw
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 10:58pm
While you can't tell him not to be friends with her, you can tell him that you're not willing to be in a relationship with someone who is close friends with a former FWB. The difference being in the first case you're demanding he take action, whereas in the second case you're saying that YOU are going to take action (break up with him). Of course, you have to really be willing to break up with him and not have it just be an idle threat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 7:10am

"For him, this is a situation of principles and intentions."

But isn't it for you, also?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 10:43am

'the ability to have sex with someone you are not in love with or even romantically involved with comes from a moral basis that makes cheating just as likely, i.e. because she had no problem being his "friend with benefits," I see her as having no respect for relationships '


But that is what HE did too. If your morals do not match maybe you too are not a good match.


'having no problem sleeping with him while he is with me either. '


But it is up to him not to sleep with her. You can not trust her all you want but it comes down to his actions or inaction. He won't give her up as a friend. I agree that getting a dog together is weird. You need to make a choice about whether to stay or not because it seems like he isn't going to give up his friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 10:08am

The fact that she won't meet you or allow you to be invited to any events where your bf and she are together should be a dealbreaker, in my book. It's hard for me to hear about your situation, because it is mine, too--to a tee. It's so frustrating to me that my bf will not stand up to his friend and say that his friend's attitude is unacceptable. It looks very shady.

My situation is still not really resolved. I'm seeing my bf tonight after having a big blow up a few days ago.

If you want to email me, maybe we can support each other through this similar situation. My email is drummerchick423 at gmail.

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