Unreasonable about his ex-FWB?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Unreasonable about his ex-FWB?
17
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 10:46pm

I am in a situation with my boyfriend and I don't know if I am being unreasonable. For about 7 months before we started dating, he had a "friend with benefits" who I will call Lisa. He and Lisa were good friends and hung out together doing normal friend stuff, with the addition that they originally met for the purpose of casual no-strings sex. So, they were also sleeping together but were never romantically involved or dating. He cut off this relationship when we started dating (within hours after our first date ended, in fact). He told me, however, that she had developed feelings for him, as much as he kept reminding her that he did not and never would have feelings for her beyond friendship.

We have now been dating for over a year and Lisa continues to be an issue. He got along with her very well and sees no reason he should lose a friend just because they used to sleep together. Back when they were friends, before he met me, they got a dog together who lives with him but he sees her as the pup's "mommy" and that cutting off contact between her and the dog would be as cruel as if it were an actual child, despite the fact that she never lived with the dog in the first place. However, when he talks with her on the phone or through IM or goes out with her or brings the dog to visit her, it hurts me very much. Because of the sexual beginnings and nature of their past relationship, I am not comfortable with him interacting with her. Just the idea that her original intention with him was "friends with benefits" casual sex makes her an untrustworthy whore in my eyes.

It has gotten to the point that it hurts me so much that she is in his life, that I told him I will be moving out (we have lived together for some time now) as soon as I am able to find a new place within my budget. I explained that I cannot take the pain his interactions with her cause me any more and since I know he is not willing to give up a friend for what he sees as no good reason (he really sees absolutely nothing inappropriate about their relationship), I will be leaving. He was extremely upset by this news and now sees it as a decision he has to make as to which one of us he wants to keep in his life.

He now seems to be avoiding thinking or talking about it until he has to, i.e. I get the job I am a finalist for and get my first paycheck, thereby having the means to move out. I don't want this to be up in the air for the next month or more. I know ultimatums are always bad for a relationship, but how else should I handle this situation? I cannot handle the pain it causes me every time I know he is talking with or seeing her. It really does have to be her or me - how else can this be handled besides an ultimatum and yet still have me keep my self-respect and take care of my needs?

Except for this one issue, we are absolutely perfect for each other and it hurts me so much to think of losing him. But at the same time, I can't continue living with this much pain. The pain of losing him would be less than the pain I feel every time he interacts with her, no matter how deeply in love with him I am. What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 11:39am

I can totally see your side. It makes no sense to me why he would keep her in his life knowing how uneasy it makes you. There is no comparison of his friend to you having a male friend.

What is his response when you say you haven't slept or been intimate in anyway with your male friends? He surely must understand that is one difference between you having male friends and him keeping this girl in his life. Also, the girl has feelings for him which again is a difference to point out.

His response may be that he doesn't have feelings for the girl so what's the big deal. The big deal is that A- he has been intimate, and its quite easy to go back to that knowing she'd be a willing participant, B- it makes you uncomfortable and disrespects your feelings. If he *truly* wants her in his life then he has to make it obvious to you that there is nothing going on. He has to give you that security. He has to introduce you and invite you when they get together. There is NO reason that they should have exclusive get-togethers. I would demand that if he wants to be in a relationship with you that he insist that you go TOGETHER to events, walks, whatever when she is around. If there is nothing to hide, why is he hiding her? She may not want you there, but who cares. If she is *just* a friend to him, he shouldn't care. The very fact he keeps you two separated is suspicious to me.

He's getting his ego stroked having her in his life. She's a good 'back up' plans so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 12:30pm

This says it all: "However, especially because of her feelings for him and her refusal to meet me or invite me along to anything, "


HER feelings matter more to him than yours do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 9:31pm

I'm going to make a different post to many of the other replies.


You see, I think you wanting him to change his ways is wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 5:21am

"He was friends with her when you met and you knew that they were friends with a history. Yet you decided to date him even with her in the picture."

Actually, this is inaccurate. They were friends-with-benefits up until our first date. After our first date, he ended the relationship with her. It was only several months later that he decided he missed her as a friend and got back in contact thinking they could be friends and there was nothing wrong with that, even considering the past. So no, when I decided to date him, he made it very clear that he was cutting off contact with her. It was only after we had fallen in love and were living together that she came back into the picture.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 3:09pm

Her not being willing to meet you would be a dealbreaker for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 5:21pm

Well that makes a HUGE difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 3:46pm

"He got along with her very well and sees no reason he should lose a friend just because they used to sleep together"---> heads up! he lost his "friend" the minute he slept with her.

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