Unsatisfied marriage bed still love

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Unsatisfied marriage bed still love
10
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:06pm
I have been with the same man for 30 years, for at least the last 12, I began to realize that our sexual needs were very different. We have tried to work on this (without therapy) but we just can't see eye to eye. I have reached the point after this many years of dissappointing sex, that I had rather have my teeth drilled than have sex with him. He can't understand why I don't respond. I now realize that I am no longer physically attracted to him, although i still love him as a person and father of my children. In the mean time I feel that I am on the verge of propositioning someone, anyone else. Do you chuck a long marriage? Do you forget about ever having good sex? Don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 3:19pm
Hi, sorry you are going through this. Is sex the only problem you see in your marriage? I personally feel that a couple's sex life is reflective of other aspects of the relationship. Sex is just as important an aspect of a healthy happy relationship as other areas of compatibility. Would you both be willing to seek professional help to meet in the middle on this? I would definitely go that route before divorcing or cheating. And I don't recommend cheating on your spouse. If you feel that the marriage is not what you want and need, then leave it. Then you can pursue other avenues, but don't do it before. Hurting him and yourself in that way won't solve anything, and will just make things worse for everyone. I know people who have amicably called it quits after many years together, and gone on to lead happy and fulfilling lives with other people who they were more suited to (and the children involved were happier b/c their parents were happier and healthier). It's not "chucking it" or wasted years together....it's spending part of your life's journey together, living, loving and learning....and then moving in opposite directions when that becomes necessary. People change. It's part of life. It's how we deal with that change that determines the outcome of our future. Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 5:19am

i agree with zurah. a satisfying sexual relationship is important in a marriage and there are many ways to get there if you are BOTH willing to make the effort.


If you tried to work on this without therapy, and have not succeeded - then the next obvious step would be therapy. since i don't know the nature of your problem it would be impossible to tell you where to go. is it something hormonal? physical? emotional? etc


sometimes when couples go thru difficult times in bed, therapists recommend to "forget" about having sex for a while, and to try and connect on other levels. dating, dressing up for each other, buying gifts, going away to a romantic place for a weekend, meeting at a bar, etc .


would your husband agree to therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 3:57pm
It took me forever to find this message that I had posted. (New to this) After 30 years there is, of course, resentment (both sides), I see the main problem as not ever progressing with a long term good sexual relationship. I think by the time some couples get to this point they have honed in on what works for them. We stagnated way back when, because i just kept my feelings to myself. Thank you for your encouraging words. I guess I was hoping someone would say, "go ahead and have great sex with a stranger and get it out of your system"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:01pm
Thanks for responing. I know you are both right about the pitfalls of an affair. I'm sure my husband would be willing to go to therapy. I, however, feel like that would imply that i still would like to have a sexual relationship with him, and I don't think I do. Thank you again for your encouraging words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:25pm
No, sleeping with a stranger or anyone else right now because you are not satisfied with what you currently have would not be fair to anyone involved.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:34pm

Propositioning anyone else is not the answer, though it is understandable that you feel frustrated after all these years and hungry for a good sexual relationship. I suggest instead that you and your husband seek couple (and perhaps sex therapy) together. Let him know how serious this problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:10pm
The obvious common thread here is "be a good girl and do the right thing", and in my heart i know it's decent and true. Our strongest bond is financial. We both know it and probably both play it as a trump card when needed. It's held over me like a ball & chain, and I probably use it to drive home my sense of insecurity. Now, after many years of shaky finances, we are doing really well (due to his workaholic nature which has paid off handsomely). That sounds very cold, and is, but the bottom line here is that i don't think i can do it financially on my own, and we finally have something material now that we both worked very hard for,and i really don't want to walk away. Forgive me for being so crass. The outcome of the way we traveled our path is the loss of our intimate souls. I never wanted to get on the fast track in the first place and I know that must be the source of some of my resentment. Thanks for responding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:17pm
Thank you for responding and inserting the phrase "healthy and upright". It's like cold water to the face "thanks, I needed that". Do you think it is possible to reserect a relationship that has been so unintimate for so long? If therapy could accomplish that I would be interested. It sort of feels to me like going through that can make you fall in love with someone that your not in love with and I am skeptical. In the past when we have had our major fallouts on this point, so many irreparible things have been said it causes so many more problems, ie Pandora's Box. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:19pm

Well, quite frankly the fact that you can't care for yourself in the way that he cares for you is not a reason to cheat on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:34pm
Harsh but true.