Unsure about future with bf
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| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:53pm |
Sorry this is a little long. I guess I should start with some background information. My bf and I are in our mid-20s and have been dating for 2yrs. We are complete opposites but things seem to work, I recently finished medical school and he has his GED; my family is very close whereas his parents divorced when he was 4 and his father had three different families; I never really got into trouble when I was younger and he spent a couple of weeks in jail for drug possession after he turned 18 (he has completely turned his life around and is an amazing man). We communicate really well so when we get into arguments we talk about our feelings and can usually get past whatever we were arguing about (except with arguments about his father). Overall, we just get along really well.
My bf and I have recently started seriously talking about marriage and the different financial goals we have. I would like financial securitity meaning I'm not worried about paying bills, could go to the store and spluge on a new dress without worrying about how I would be able to afford it, and would like to pay for my kids' college educations. He has the same goals (without the dress of course lol) but also wants to buy his father a house or have him live with us either in our house or in a guest house above a garage, and pay for his father's retirement. The thing is I really can't stand his father.
I look at his father and see a man who failed his son as a father by not keeping a better eye on him when he was growing up so he didn't get into as much trouble. His father has also asked me for money and has said nasty things about my bf to me behind my bf's back. I also hate how his father looks at me and treats me like his winning lottery ticket. After we had been dating four months his father would introduce me to his friends as "my son's wife, the doctor". My bf says his father is just proud of me and happy for him, but you have to see his face when he's saying it. I just can't stand the man... His father lives check to check. He has a house in Georgia and drives up to Rhode Island every few weeks to work and then drives back down to Georgia only to return in a couple of weeks. When he comes up he stays with friends or in a hotel. So I asked my bf if we got married if his father would be staying with us and he said yes. The thought of his father in my house every few weeks living with me makes my skin crawl, I would be miserable. I told my bf this (not in those words, but more carefully b/c he's very sensitive about his father) and he said that his father did a lot for him and that there's no one else to help his father out (all of his other kids hate him, i wonder why...) that it would mean a lot to help his dad out, etc. So I told him that I believe after people get married they choose each other over their parents and if a wife is treated poorly by her in-laws or really doesn't get along with them that the husband will pick his wife over his parents (this happened with my parents, my dad's parents wouldn't even let my mother in their house and my dad chose my mom over them and eventually never saw them). My bf's response was that he doesn't "need" to get married and that he would be content living in an apartment with his father for the rest of his life. So my question for those of you who have made it through my novel is, what should I do? Has has this happened/happening to anyone else? Will my BF change over time and pick me over his father? (my mother believe that if he feels this strongly about it now that he will never pick me over his dad) Should I try to talk to him about it again? Am I worrying for nothing? Thank you everyone in advance for your thoughts, they are greatly appreciated. -gina

I can't explain it exactly, but it seems to me like maybe he's trying to be good to his Dad so he doesn't become his Dad. He makes excuses for him because he's his father and he loves him whether or not he deserves it. Maybe he's hoping that if he's good enough to his Dad his Dad will give him the approval or love he feels he denied him when he was a little kid. You might want to ask him if his Dad has ever said he loves him or that he's proud of him.
My boyfriend has a lot of issues with his Dad too. They aren't speaking right now so fortunately I wont have to deal with him asking to move him in with us when we get married.:) But I think I have an idea what you're both going through.
The best thing to do is to try to be supportive. Try to let him know that you love him no matter what and that if he needs to do this for his Dad that you'll understand, but that you'd like to talk about why he feels the need to do it.
Maybe by helping you understand the strange dynamics in their relationship he'll learn something too and if he can help you understand why he needs to do it it should make it easier for you to live with.
If you love him the last thing you should want is for him to have to choose between two people he loves. Unless it is truly a relationship that does more harm then good. You should love and support him and encourage him to have healthy relationships with ALL the significant people in his life, even the dysfunctional ones.
Of course, if his Dad's presence is detrimental to his happiness you need to help him see that. Not by forcing your opinion on him but by encouraging him to evaluate the relationship objectively so he can see for himself that the best course of action may be to keep his distance.
Yikes. Do not assume this. Listen to his words and his plans. His father will be living with him. Decide if you can handle it or not. Talk to him and be honest about your plans and feelings.
I agree with this. I also think you should ask your boyfriend if he could handle getting married and his father NOT living with you. Perhaps you could offer some (smaller)financial assistance, but make it clear that you do NOT agree have his dad move in.
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