Unsure About Our Relationship
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| Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:05pm |
I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with my fiancee. It seems like she could get upset over anything. If I'm talking on to her on my cell phone and it breaks up in the middle, she gets upset. And more upset because she has to repeat herself. Sometimes she doesn't believe that the reception is breaking up.
While we were friends we never really argued. As we started getting closer we did have some arguments. There were some long drawn out ones. But nothing like now.
Since I've proposed, if we argue now, she yells and cusses and calls me names. I've actually got up and left before. She says I'm a coward for leaving. I said I'm not going to stay and let you yell at me. It still happens and I want to leave but she says I'm a coward if I leave. Again, I tell her I'm not going to stay and be disrespected. But, I stay. I always stay now.
She isn't a morning person either. So, she is more likely to, it seems to me, she just wake up upset.
I'm troubled at how she can lose her temper soo fast. And be soo rude to me. And in front of others. I don't like to go to her parents. Her parents are sweet. But, if my fiancee gets upset, she doesn't care she'll say something to me in front of her parents which is very embarrassing. And I'm not about to argue in front of her parents so I have to grin and bear it.
Once we were to go out to dinner with her parents. I was to meet everyone at her parents house. It was a casual place we were going for dinner. I wore shorts and a sports jersey. I showed up and she got upset because I had shorts and because she said the shorts looked dirty to her. She said she lost her appetite. Her mom was in the other room. I was so embarassed and went to the restroom. I could hear her mom say, be nice, don't be rude. We went to dinner. Later, she said she didn't like people wearing shorts to dinner. I didn't know that.....Another time we were at her grandparents for a family get together. We were sitting across from each other in a room watching tv and talking. My fiancee had said someting to me. I didn't hear her. Next thing I hear her saying HELLO! HELLO! then I look at her and she's talking to me. I was upset and embarrassed but just let it go. Her cousin in the room was like you're not suppose to talk to him like that at least til after you're married, she was joking.
With all these occurrences though I've been thinking about how life will be after marriage. Is this the way it'll be? This has affected my attitude. I'm worried if I'm making the right decision. I'm less excited about marriage now. And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true.
We were at my parents house watching a game. My fiancee was there already. I had stopped to pick up some food. I arrived and wanted to sit and watch the rest of the game in front of the tv. I asked my fiancee if she wanted a tv tray. She said no and walked to the dinner table. I sat with a tv try and watched the game. She looked at me from the table. She was upset. She left early that night. She said she had to work early the next day. I called her and asked her why she was upset. She said she wasn't that comfortable eating on a tv tray at my parents and that I should have sat with her at the table. I didn't know that was an issue. I'm not perfect, I guess I was insensitive but she got so upset and left.
I don't know, I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her and its not fun. All the incidents that have happened and continue to happen I keep thinking about. If I don't hear her she gets upset, if she doesn't hear me, she says I'm mumbling and says to stop it. She corrects my english when I'm speaking. This never happened till after I proposed.
She has a wonderful side to her. But, I don't see it often. In the past she said she was going to work on her temper but nothing has come from it. I honestly dont like talking on my cell phone with her because she could get upset because I say I can't hear her.
We started going to pre maritial counseling with a pastor. I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, reading scriptures. My fiancee thought it was too long. Our first meeting lasted almost two hours. After that my fiancee has said that she could only go for an hour. That worried me. Another thing that the pastor mentioned was the way couples argue he asked what we argued about and how we argued. He asked if either of us called the other names during an argument. The pastor is a friend of her family. I didn't want to embarass her. So, we both said no. The pastor said good, because that wouldn't be good at all. I think about that a lot. I mentioned that to her and she apologized but she still does it.

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Why would it change? She has been this way for a long time obviously. She thinks it is o.k. because her parents accepted it and now she expects others to accept it. Who cares if she calls you a coward. Is that a reason to take the verbal abuse?
'And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true. '
Then tell her that you will leave unless she shows an effort to change and realizes that what she is doing is wrong. Does she get it? Is she capable of taking responsibility? If she wnts to try then see a counselor you feel comfortable with-someone you can be open with. If she doesn't want to try then make your decision-put up with it or leave.
One more thought- if you have kids, how do you think she will treat them?
What I think is happening is I'm holding all the name calling, the short temper, the grumpiness in the morning....all this inside me. And I'm treating her differently, she sees that and says that I'm neglecting her. She says I'm not helping her with the wedding. I want to say its because of the way she treats me. We've had this argument before. And she asks then why am I with her. I say because I love her. She says shes working on her temper but I don't see it. She is just impatient. We went to have a meal in a restaurant. Because the service was slow she was getting so upset. And made remarks to the server about the service. I didn't really care. When we went to the drive thru for fast food, she gets impatient.
And the children thing too. She has a child. And I've noticed she cusses in front of her and sometimes calls her a little sh**. She gets frustrated with her child but never raises her hand toward her and doesn't want anyone else to either. I want to sit her down and tell her that I don't want her to call our children little sh**. I want to tell her I don't want her to cuss in front of them. Discipline them yes.
I know what will happen though because like our other discussions about our relationship she says that I'm making her sound like a terrible mother and fianceee and cries. If I bring up the children bit, she will cry again. And hit me with a very good question....why didn't I say this sooner? I love her, she has this beautiful side to her but she has issues. I'm very old fashioned, very mellow, don't like to yell. Our temperments are very different.
Carrie
YES! After the wedding it will be MUCH worse. It's much easier to cancel a wedding than to go through a divorce. I agree - insist on pre-marital counseling. Don't bring it up during an argument. Go to her, tonight even, and say, "I have some things on my mind I'd like to discuss. XYandZ have been concerning me..." If she won't listen, you can't do anything about it and NOTHING will ever change.
About the part that she's "working on her temper". What is she *doing*? You can easily say that you're working on something, but you have to actually *do* something. Is she seeking counseling for it? Is she writing in a journal about things that bother her? Is she counting to 10 before she answers a question in a nasty way? Is she discussing her expectations about the relationship? She can't even tell you that she'd prefer you to sit with her at the table and then later blows up and it's all your fault.
She has to do something *concrete* in order to work on her temper. She can't just "try not to let it bother her". It doesn't work. That's why pre-marital counseling would be an EXCELLENT idea.
I'd talk to her tonight if I were you. Don't let any more time pass. The next thing you know you'll be saying "I know I need to talk to her, but one day before the wedding?"
Now it's your turn to *do* something concrete about this unhealthy, abusive relationship.
She needs to be proactive about getting help for her anger. Therapy, anger management, something so show you that she is committed to changing. 'Trying' means nothing if she is not getting professional help.
'I've thought about the ultimate decision of breaking it off but, one month before the wedding?'
So you should live the rest of your life on eggshells, in fear and watching your children go through verbal abuse?
'And hit me with a very good question....why didn't I say this sooner?'
That is like saying 'well the weddingis a month away so I have to go through with it'
The timing doesn't matter. You can no longer tolerate the way she treats you and there needs to be real change or you will not go through with the marriage. Can you say that to her? Can you not cow down when she cries? Be firm.
'I'm very old fashioned, very mellow, don't like to yell.'
Then why do you put up with her? Why are you attracted to this behavior? Why do you accept it? What do you get out of watching her do this and feeling inferior when she berates you?
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