Unsure About Our Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Unsure About Our Relationship
17
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:05pm
I'm engaged to be married next month. I've known my fiancee for close to five years. We were friends for four years and began dating. We had been dating for a few months and I proposed. Since the proposal, I've noticed things about her. I was aware of a temper she had but I've seen more of it now. I look at her relationship with her parents. She will argue with them, yell actually. I've never seen that before. But, its normal for them, thats they way its always been. To best describe it, if anyone has seen the tv show the Osbournes on MTV, the way the two teenagers talk to their parents, they yell and cuss like its nothing with their parents. I kind of see that in my fiancee's relationship with her parents. I would actually say she's like the daughter, Kelly on the show. Because my fiancee also has a short temper.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with my fiancee. It seems like she could get upset over anything. If I'm talking on to her on my cell phone and it breaks up in the middle, she gets upset. And more upset because she has to repeat herself. Sometimes she doesn't believe that the reception is breaking up.

While we were friends we never really argued. As we started getting closer we did have some arguments. There were some long drawn out ones. But nothing like now.

Since I've proposed, if we argue now, she yells and cusses and calls me names. I've actually got up and left before. She says I'm a coward for leaving. I said I'm not going to stay and let you yell at me. It still happens and I want to leave but she says I'm a coward if I leave. Again, I tell her I'm not going to stay and be disrespected. But, I stay. I always stay now.

She isn't a morning person either. So, she is more likely to, it seems to me, she just wake up upset.

I'm troubled at how she can lose her temper soo fast. And be soo rude to me. And in front of others. I don't like to go to her parents. Her parents are sweet. But, if my fiancee gets upset, she doesn't care she'll say something to me in front of her parents which is very embarrassing. And I'm not about to argue in front of her parents so I have to grin and bear it.

Once we were to go out to dinner with her parents. I was to meet everyone at her parents house. It was a casual place we were going for dinner. I wore shorts and a sports jersey. I showed up and she got upset because I had shorts and because she said the shorts looked dirty to her. She said she lost her appetite. Her mom was in the other room. I was so embarassed and went to the restroom. I could hear her mom say, be nice, don't be rude. We went to dinner. Later, she said she didn't like people wearing shorts to dinner. I didn't know that.....Another time we were at her grandparents for a family get together. We were sitting across from each other in a room watching tv and talking. My fiancee had said someting to me. I didn't hear her. Next thing I hear her saying HELLO! HELLO! then I look at her and she's talking to me. I was upset and embarrassed but just let it go. Her cousin in the room was like you're not suppose to talk to him like that at least til after you're married, she was joking.

With all these occurrences though I've been thinking about how life will be after marriage. Is this the way it'll be? This has affected my attitude. I'm worried if I'm making the right decision. I'm less excited about marriage now. And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true.

We were at my parents house watching a game. My fiancee was there already. I had stopped to pick up some food. I arrived and wanted to sit and watch the rest of the game in front of the tv. I asked my fiancee if she wanted a tv tray. She said no and walked to the dinner table. I sat with a tv try and watched the game. She looked at me from the table. She was upset. She left early that night. She said she had to work early the next day. I called her and asked her why she was upset. She said she wasn't that comfortable eating on a tv tray at my parents and that I should have sat with her at the table. I didn't know that was an issue. I'm not perfect, I guess I was insensitive but she got so upset and left.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her and its not fun. All the incidents that have happened and continue to happen I keep thinking about. If I don't hear her she gets upset, if she doesn't hear me, she says I'm mumbling and says to stop it. She corrects my english when I'm speaking. This never happened till after I proposed.

She has a wonderful side to her. But, I don't see it often. In the past she said she was going to work on her temper but nothing has come from it. I honestly dont like talking on my cell phone with her because she could get upset because I say I can't hear her.

We started going to pre maritial counseling with a pastor. I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, reading scriptures. My fiancee thought it was too long. Our first meeting lasted almost two hours. After that my fiancee has said that she could only go for an hour. That worried me. Another thing that the pastor mentioned was the way couples argue he asked what we argued about and how we argued. He asked if either of us called the other names during an argument. The pastor is a friend of her family. I didn't want to embarass her. So, we both said no. The pastor said good, because that wouldn't be good at all. I think about that a lot. I mentioned that to her and she apologized but she still does it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:12pm
'Is this the way it'll be?'

Why would it change? She has been this way for a long time obviously. She thinks it is o.k. because her parents accepted it and now she expects others to accept it. Who cares if she calls you a coward. Is that a reason to take the verbal abuse?


'And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true. '

Then tell her that you will leave unless she shows an effort to change and realizes that what she is doing is wrong. Does she get it? Is she capable of taking responsibility? If she wnts to try then see a counselor you feel comfortable with-someone you can be open with. If she doesn't want to try then make your decision-put up with it or leave.

One more thought- if you have kids, how do you think she will treat them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:23pm
You were friends with her for 4 years and she never treated you badly? That's hard to believe from the way you describe her now. She sounds like a two year old. In answer to your question, YES this is how it will be after marriage, if not worse. Unfortunately many people treat their friends and co-workers better than their loved ones. She is that type of person. You are not going to ever change her and she is not going to one day respect you and treat you better. I sincerely hope you don't continue being a doormat and that you have more love and respect for *yourself* than to settle for this type of relationship, which IMO would be a miserable existence. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:27pm
methinks you're engaged to your future ex-wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:48pm
I've thought about the ultimate decision of breaking it off but, one month before the wedding? I've said for months that we should go to counseling thats why I was so into the pre maritial counseling. It was something. Prior to the pre mariatal, whenever I brought up counseling she'd get upset and say we don't need it. She said I could go myself if I wanted to.

What I think is happening is I'm holding all the name calling, the short temper, the grumpiness in the morning....all this inside me. And I'm treating her differently, she sees that and says that I'm neglecting her. She says I'm not helping her with the wedding. I want to say its because of the way she treats me. We've had this argument before. And she asks then why am I with her. I say because I love her. She says shes working on her temper but I don't see it. She is just impatient. We went to have a meal in a restaurant. Because the service was slow she was getting so upset. And made remarks to the server about the service. I didn't really care. When we went to the drive thru for fast food, she gets impatient.

And the children thing too. She has a child. And I've noticed she cusses in front of her and sometimes calls her a little sh**. She gets frustrated with her child but never raises her hand toward her and doesn't want anyone else to either. I want to sit her down and tell her that I don't want her to call our children little sh**. I want to tell her I don't want her to cuss in front of them. Discipline them yes.

I know what will happen though because like our other discussions about our relationship she says that I'm making her sound like a terrible mother and fianceee and cries. If I bring up the children bit, she will cry again. And hit me with a very good question....why didn't I say this sooner? I love her, she has this beautiful side to her but she has issues. I'm very old fashioned, very mellow, don't like to yell. Our temperments are very different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:11pm
Insist on pre-martial counseling. Tell her it's either that or the wedding is off.


Carrie

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:32pm
"I've thought about the ultimate decision of breaking it off but, one month before the wedding?"

YES! After the wedding it will be MUCH worse. It's much easier to cancel a wedding than to go through a divorce. I agree - insist on pre-marital counseling. Don't bring it up during an argument. Go to her, tonight even, and say, "I have some things on my mind I'd like to discuss. XYandZ have been concerning me..." If she won't listen, you can't do anything about it and NOTHING will ever change.

About the part that she's "working on her temper". What is she *doing*? You can easily say that you're working on something, but you have to actually *do* something. Is she seeking counseling for it? Is she writing in a journal about things that bother her? Is she counting to 10 before she answers a question in a nasty way? Is she discussing her expectations about the relationship? She can't even tell you that she'd prefer you to sit with her at the table and then later blows up and it's all your fault.

She has to do something *concrete* in order to work on her temper. She can't just "try not to let it bother her". It doesn't work. That's why pre-marital counseling would be an EXCELLENT idea.

I'd talk to her tonight if I were you. Don't let any more time pass. The next thing you know you'll be saying "I know I need to talk to her, but one day before the wedding?"

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:34pm
One more thing - just in case enough people haven't mentioned it...She is verbally abusing you. YOu may also want to seek individual counseling for yourself to find out why you would tolerate such behavior at all. I'm sure many look at battered women and think "how can she take that and stay with him?" Think of yourself as that battered woman. That's how the rest of the world is perceiving this relationship right now. YOu even say the same thing that a battered woman would say - "yes, but when she's good, she's soooo good"

Now it's your turn to *do* something concrete about this unhealthy, abusive relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:02pm
You are describing a child not a mature woman and mother who is ready to get married. She manipulates you, verbally abuses you and treats you horribly. Not hitting her children does not make her a good mother.

She needs to be proactive about getting help for her anger. Therapy, anger management, something so show you that she is committed to changing. 'Trying' means nothing if she is not getting professional help.

'I've thought about the ultimate decision of breaking it off but, one month before the wedding?'

So you should live the rest of your life on eggshells, in fear and watching your children go through verbal abuse?

'And hit me with a very good question....why didn't I say this sooner?'

That is like saying 'well the weddingis a month away so I have to go through with it'

The timing doesn't matter. You can no longer tolerate the way she treats you and there needs to be real change or you will not go through with the marriage. Can you say that to her? Can you not cow down when she cries? Be firm.

'I'm very old fashioned, very mellow, don't like to yell.'

Then why do you put up with her? Why are you attracted to this behavior? Why do you accept it? What do you get out of watching her do this and feeling inferior when she berates you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:08pm
Calling it off one month before the wedding isn't easy, but do you think it will be any easier living as a verbally abused and disrespected spouse? If you think it will be any easier on any of you to live unhappily in this dysfunctional relationship, and/or end it later on in divorce, think again. The poor child has no choice the matter -- you don't get to choose your mother. You however are an adult who CAN make choices. Never forget that wise choices = happiness and poor choices = unhappiness in life. Also never forget that loving someone does not mean you'll have a healthy successful relationship. If only that's all it took! Nobody is saying she is totally evil and not worth loving. What we're saying is, despite her "beautiful side" her "issues" will prevent your marriage from being happy or successful or healthy. You will be knowingly entering into an unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage. I don't know what could be more foolish or painful than that. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:49pm
wow! you've got a plate full. You wonder what it will be like after you are married - it's not going to get better. In fact it will likely get worse - a lot worse. You've read all the clues. You've heard the message from the pastor. Saying no to the pastor when he asked how you argued, if you called each other names was a clear message. You said what she wanted to hear so she wouldn't get upset. Her temper is conditioning you to say and do only things that might not upset her. Do you want to be controlled or loved. You seem like a sensitive, caring person. That is a good thing. However, it doesn't mean anyone can just walk all over you. My guess is your marriage wouldn't last more than 4 - 5 years if that. Your fiancee isn't happy with how you are. She is constantly picking at you. Why would she want to marry someone she's not happy with? More so, why marry into a relationship where you are already not appreciated. I'd say you might want to go back to the pastor or another confidant so you can build your self esteem and stop walking on eggshells. That might be the way her family is but you don't have to accept it as a good thing. It's actually quite dysfunctional. Take time - don't let the pressure of the wedding next month push you into anything that you aren't comfortable and sure about.

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