Unsure About Our Relationship
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:05pm |
I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with my fiancee. It seems like she could get upset over anything. If I'm talking on to her on my cell phone and it breaks up in the middle, she gets upset. And more upset because she has to repeat herself. Sometimes she doesn't believe that the reception is breaking up.
While we were friends we never really argued. As we started getting closer we did have some arguments. There were some long drawn out ones. But nothing like now.
Since I've proposed, if we argue now, she yells and cusses and calls me names. I've actually got up and left before. She says I'm a coward for leaving. I said I'm not going to stay and let you yell at me. It still happens and I want to leave but she says I'm a coward if I leave. Again, I tell her I'm not going to stay and be disrespected. But, I stay. I always stay now.
She isn't a morning person either. So, she is more likely to, it seems to me, she just wake up upset.
I'm troubled at how she can lose her temper soo fast. And be soo rude to me. And in front of others. I don't like to go to her parents. Her parents are sweet. But, if my fiancee gets upset, she doesn't care she'll say something to me in front of her parents which is very embarrassing. And I'm not about to argue in front of her parents so I have to grin and bear it.
Once we were to go out to dinner with her parents. I was to meet everyone at her parents house. It was a casual place we were going for dinner. I wore shorts and a sports jersey. I showed up and she got upset because I had shorts and because she said the shorts looked dirty to her. She said she lost her appetite. Her mom was in the other room. I was so embarassed and went to the restroom. I could hear her mom say, be nice, don't be rude. We went to dinner. Later, she said she didn't like people wearing shorts to dinner. I didn't know that.....Another time we were at her grandparents for a family get together. We were sitting across from each other in a room watching tv and talking. My fiancee had said someting to me. I didn't hear her. Next thing I hear her saying HELLO! HELLO! then I look at her and she's talking to me. I was upset and embarrassed but just let it go. Her cousin in the room was like you're not suppose to talk to him like that at least til after you're married, she was joking.
With all these occurrences though I've been thinking about how life will be after marriage. Is this the way it'll be? This has affected my attitude. I'm worried if I'm making the right decision. I'm less excited about marriage now. And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true.
We were at my parents house watching a game. My fiancee was there already. I had stopped to pick up some food. I arrived and wanted to sit and watch the rest of the game in front of the tv. I asked my fiancee if she wanted a tv tray. She said no and walked to the dinner table. I sat with a tv try and watched the game. She looked at me from the table. She was upset. She left early that night. She said she had to work early the next day. I called her and asked her why she was upset. She said she wasn't that comfortable eating on a tv tray at my parents and that I should have sat with her at the table. I didn't know that was an issue. I'm not perfect, I guess I was insensitive but she got so upset and left.
I don't know, I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her and its not fun. All the incidents that have happened and continue to happen I keep thinking about. If I don't hear her she gets upset, if she doesn't hear me, she says I'm mumbling and says to stop it. She corrects my english when I'm speaking. This never happened till after I proposed.
She has a wonderful side to her. But, I don't see it often. In the past she said she was going to work on her temper but nothing has come from it. I honestly dont like talking on my cell phone with her because she could get upset because I say I can't hear her.
We started going to pre maritial counseling with a pastor. I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, reading scriptures. My fiancee thought it was too long. Our first meeting lasted almost two hours. After that my fiancee has said that she could only go for an hour. That worried me. Another thing that the pastor mentioned was the way couples argue he asked what we argued about and how we argued. He asked if either of us called the other names during an argument. The pastor is a friend of her family. I didn't want to embarass her. So, we both said no. The pastor said good, because that wouldn't be good at all. I think about that a lot. I mentioned that to her and she apologized but she still does it.

Pages
After all these incidents, bringing up this other issue would be difficult. But, everyones postings have helped. We need to talk.
She has to recognize she has this problem and want to work on it - you cannot do this for her.
Good luck - I know this must be a hard time for you.
Your doubts about how your gf treats her child, calling him a 'little sh**' are well founded. Two of the most important questions you could ask yourself is
"Would you want this person to be the mother of your children?" If you don't want your children to be treated this way that's a pretty clear indication.
How does he/she treat her father/mother? You can rest assured they will treat you the same way. And they think it's normal because that's how they were raised/conditioned.
Give it some serious thought. This is a long term committment. And if the relationship is already not working right - what chance does it have afterwards. More heartache, more suffering. Your family would probably be heartbroken to see you spend your entire life this way.
Edited 6/12/2004 11:39 am ET ET by hashell2004
Edited 6/12/2004 11:43 am ET ET by hashell2004
But last night, my fiancee surprised me with a romantic dinner. It was very nice of her. But, what kind of spoiled the mood a little was our cell phone conversation prior to the dinner. She asked me to call her when I was at the gate of the apartment complex. I thought she said to call her when I was on the street. I was at my parents house and I thought she wanted me to call her when I left. So, when I left my parents, I called told her I was on my way. When I got to the apartment. She said why didn't I call when I was at the gate. I told her what I thought she said. She didn't believe me. So, for a few minutes things were cold. She said I was lying.
sweetie.
sorry for this mess you are in, and i apologize - i didn't read all the messages here, but i just wanted to say this:
if you are unhappy with the way things are RIGHT NOW - then you DO NOT get married, you BREAK OFF the engagement first and foremost. DON'T make the mistake that i made (twice, i might add) and think that - once you get married, all will be ok. it will not only NOT get miraculously better - but trust me that things will get WAY worse. just think about it - she is now on her "best" behavior, once you are married - it will just go downhill from there.
you are describing an extremely immature and angry and abusive person. do you REALLY want to spend your life with her? have more kids with her? raise her child with her? why?
and now, you need to understand something else - this is not only about her - it is about YOU. YOU have a responsibility here too. if you are already bothering to go to pre-marital counseling, and you are not bringing up the real issues - then what is the point? if you insist on marrying her - then at the very least you owe it to yourself to bring up these issues and deal with them.
don't make the mistake many of us make and think that "oh, how can i do this one month before the wedding?" trust me - with all the heartbreak, hardships, and money loss - its still easier to do this BEFORE the wedding than AFTER. DON'T think about walking down that aisle with the teeniest doubt in your mind.
hugs....
She might be very angry and if I think right probably vindictive. If not now, she would be later in marriage. It is harder to leave after marriage than before, believe me. Later you will feel very isolated if you don't already. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
During the time I was dating, my boyfriend whom I married - degraded me in front of his family, friends and relatives. He called me names, picked at my looks, told me I was the ugly duckling, put me down when I wouldn't put out, then apologized and did sweet things sometimes. I wanted to dump him but I was a pleaser so I tried harder to please him, always apologizing and explaining my actions away. If I got upset he would say, "yes, I know you want to see the change, not just the words." But the change never came. After marriage, within a year, he called me a cow when I was pregnant, demanded my money in front of relatives, said my concerns were all just in my head, I was too sensitive, etc., then started keeping me from friends, threatening them, suggesting to hurt me physically so I couldn't go out. You might say, but she's not that bad. Do you see though - it wasn't this bad when we were dating, it got worse after we were married. The abusive person sees their spouse as a posession, they are suspicious of everything you do, accuse you of lying, make you feel like you can't do anything right, which makes you feel you must be doing everything wrong. But it's not your fault for being yourself.
I want you to know that if you do decide to break it off, there are people who will be behind you 100%. You are asking all the right questions. Surround yourself with the people who you know will support you and love you for protection and affirmation. If you feel your parents would listen ask your parents and family/friends what they think. Let them be honest about their feelings. They might surprise you. Parents and friends often don't want to interfere but if they are given a chance they will be your best ally. As long as you choose to stay in the relationship, they try to support you as best they can because they love you and they try to have a good relationship with the person you are planning to marry even though it would be stressful. Good parents will also support you when they see you are struggling and need to make a break. Family and friends will help you build up your self esteem again. I hope you find this message board helpful and validating to your concerns. We are here for you.
Take care.
Let us know how it goes.
Edited 6/13/2004 5:26 am ET ET by hashell2004
Edited 6/13/2004 5:35 am ET ET by hashell2004
Pages