Unsure About Our Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Unsure About Our Relationship
17
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:05pm
I'm engaged to be married next month. I've known my fiancee for close to five years. We were friends for four years and began dating. We had been dating for a few months and I proposed. Since the proposal, I've noticed things about her. I was aware of a temper she had but I've seen more of it now. I look at her relationship with her parents. She will argue with them, yell actually. I've never seen that before. But, its normal for them, thats they way its always been. To best describe it, if anyone has seen the tv show the Osbournes on MTV, the way the two teenagers talk to their parents, they yell and cuss like its nothing with their parents. I kind of see that in my fiancee's relationship with her parents. I would actually say she's like the daughter, Kelly on the show. Because my fiancee also has a short temper.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with my fiancee. It seems like she could get upset over anything. If I'm talking on to her on my cell phone and it breaks up in the middle, she gets upset. And more upset because she has to repeat herself. Sometimes she doesn't believe that the reception is breaking up.

While we were friends we never really argued. As we started getting closer we did have some arguments. There were some long drawn out ones. But nothing like now.

Since I've proposed, if we argue now, she yells and cusses and calls me names. I've actually got up and left before. She says I'm a coward for leaving. I said I'm not going to stay and let you yell at me. It still happens and I want to leave but she says I'm a coward if I leave. Again, I tell her I'm not going to stay and be disrespected. But, I stay. I always stay now.

She isn't a morning person either. So, she is more likely to, it seems to me, she just wake up upset.

I'm troubled at how she can lose her temper soo fast. And be soo rude to me. And in front of others. I don't like to go to her parents. Her parents are sweet. But, if my fiancee gets upset, she doesn't care she'll say something to me in front of her parents which is very embarrassing. And I'm not about to argue in front of her parents so I have to grin and bear it.

Once we were to go out to dinner with her parents. I was to meet everyone at her parents house. It was a casual place we were going for dinner. I wore shorts and a sports jersey. I showed up and she got upset because I had shorts and because she said the shorts looked dirty to her. She said she lost her appetite. Her mom was in the other room. I was so embarassed and went to the restroom. I could hear her mom say, be nice, don't be rude. We went to dinner. Later, she said she didn't like people wearing shorts to dinner. I didn't know that.....Another time we were at her grandparents for a family get together. We were sitting across from each other in a room watching tv and talking. My fiancee had said someting to me. I didn't hear her. Next thing I hear her saying HELLO! HELLO! then I look at her and she's talking to me. I was upset and embarrassed but just let it go. Her cousin in the room was like you're not suppose to talk to him like that at least til after you're married, she was joking.

With all these occurrences though I've been thinking about how life will be after marriage. Is this the way it'll be? This has affected my attitude. I'm worried if I'm making the right decision. I'm less excited about marriage now. And it shows, my fiancee says she feels like she isn't #1 on my list. I guess its true.

We were at my parents house watching a game. My fiancee was there already. I had stopped to pick up some food. I arrived and wanted to sit and watch the rest of the game in front of the tv. I asked my fiancee if she wanted a tv tray. She said no and walked to the dinner table. I sat with a tv try and watched the game. She looked at me from the table. She was upset. She left early that night. She said she had to work early the next day. I called her and asked her why she was upset. She said she wasn't that comfortable eating on a tv tray at my parents and that I should have sat with her at the table. I didn't know that was an issue. I'm not perfect, I guess I was insensitive but she got so upset and left.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her and its not fun. All the incidents that have happened and continue to happen I keep thinking about. If I don't hear her she gets upset, if she doesn't hear me, she says I'm mumbling and says to stop it. She corrects my english when I'm speaking. This never happened till after I proposed.

She has a wonderful side to her. But, I don't see it often. In the past she said she was going to work on her temper but nothing has come from it. I honestly dont like talking on my cell phone with her because she could get upset because I say I can't hear her.

We started going to pre maritial counseling with a pastor. I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, reading scriptures. My fiancee thought it was too long. Our first meeting lasted almost two hours. After that my fiancee has said that she could only go for an hour. That worried me. Another thing that the pastor mentioned was the way couples argue he asked what we argued about and how we argued. He asked if either of us called the other names during an argument. The pastor is a friend of her family. I didn't want to embarass her. So, we both said no. The pastor said good, because that wouldn't be good at all. I think about that a lot. I mentioned that to her and she apologized but she still does it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:08pm
We've had a lot of issues these past months. I've brought up postponing the wedding 3 times. Once becasue she wanted to send her child to private school for $500 a month. I said there was no money for that. We should postpone it. She agreed but was very sad. A day later she said her child didn't have to go to private school. And the wedding was back on. That was around February. The second time was in May. We've been stressing over money for the wedding ontop of everything else. We had an argument one night and I said look at what the stress of the money is doing to us. I said maybe we should postpone it. She got really upset and practically wanted to give back the ring. When she calmed down she said she would do more to try to help financially maybe do away with the reception, but later she said she still wanted it. So, are charging the wedding. The third time was this past week. She said she wanted to reduce her hours to part time and work 30 hours a week and change work shifts and go to school full time. She said with this adjustment she'd make $400 less a month. I told her I want her to go to school and that she is right when she pointed out that the debt shouldn't affect her right to go to school. I told her I can't make up the $400. As it is now, I'll have to find a part time job to help with the wedding bills and the rent. I told her I can't make the $400 up. I said do you want to postpone it and go to school? And after a year of saving we'd be better off. Again she got so hurt and sad and cried. I felt awful. She wanted to end the relationship again. When she calmed down she said she understood. She knows that she said she would help pay the bills and was sorry for bringing it up. I felt soo bad. She said she wasn't going to go to school now. I don't think my ideas of postponing the wedding had anything to do with the way she had been treating me. At least I don't think so. It was because of money, for the private school there was no $500 extra on the budget we figured. For her school we could pay the tuition but I couldn't make up the $400 we'd lose if she started working part time. For the second time regarding all the arguments we had over money, I was worrried about the debt we'd be in after the marriage. And the stress it has put on the both of us. Now, I have accepted the idea of the debt. But, i do wonder if being in debt is worth dealing with her impatience and rudeness.

After all these incidents, bringing up this other issue would be difficult. But, everyones postings have helped. We need to talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:47pm
I think you should call off the wedding, at least for right now. A temper is not going to change for the better with marriage - it is going to get worse. And this is going to make for a very unhappy marriage with a high risk of divorce.

She has to recognize she has this problem and want to work on it - you cannot do this for her.

Good luck - I know this must be a hard time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 4:07am
Just curious if your parents, other family members or friends have noticed or said anything that might indicate they would support you if you decided to postpone the wedding or end the relationship. Many times people wouldn't say it to one's face but they will to others - "I don't see what he/she sees in "J". "J" treats him/her like garbage and he/she doesn't even see it." My guess is someone has probably at least thought this more than once in your favor or even mentioned it. I know that happened in my situation. I just heard about it after I left him. I thot I was the fool, but it was my ex. I waited till after 4 1/2 years of marriage. It just went from bad to terribly wrong. Breaking it off was the best decision I ever made.

Your doubts about how your gf treats her child, calling him a 'little sh**' are well founded. Two of the most important questions you could ask yourself is

"Would you want this person to be the mother of your children?" If you don't want your children to be treated this way that's a pretty clear indication.

How does he/she treat her father/mother? You can rest assured they will treat you the same way. And they think it's normal because that's how they were raised/conditioned.

Give it some serious thought. This is a long term committment. And if the relationship is already not working right - what chance does it have afterwards. More heartache, more suffering. Your family would probably be heartbroken to see you spend your entire life this way.

Edited 6/12/2004 11:39 am ET ET by hashell2004


Edited 6/12/2004 11:43 am ET ET by hashell2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:03pm
I don't know if family has said anything. I think they're shocked becuase the proposal was a surprise to them and sudden. I think I have a friend who has noticed something. My best friends wife. I don't think she likes my fiancee. We had asked her to be in the wedding, she accepted. But, then never called back. When I called her she said she would call my fiancee but never didn. I don't want to talk to her about it but I think she sees something and doesn't want to be apart of it.

But last night, my fiancee surprised me with a romantic dinner. It was very nice of her. But, what kind of spoiled the mood a little was our cell phone conversation prior to the dinner. She asked me to call her when I was at the gate of the apartment complex. I thought she said to call her when I was on the street. I was at my parents house and I thought she wanted me to call her when I left. So, when I left my parents, I called told her I was on my way. When I got to the apartment. She said why didn't I call when I was at the gate. I told her what I thought she said. She didn't believe me. So, for a few minutes things were cold. She said I was lying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 4:06am

sweetie.


sorry for this mess you are in, and i apologize - i didn't read all the messages here, but i just wanted to say this:


if you are unhappy with the way things are RIGHT NOW - then you DO NOT get married, you BREAK OFF the engagement first and foremost. DON'T make the mistake that i made (twice, i might add) and think that - once you get married, all will be ok. it will not only NOT get miraculously better - but trust me that things will get WAY worse. just think about it - she is now on her "best" behavior, once you are married - it will just go downhill from there.


you are describing an extremely immature and angry and abusive person. do you REALLY want to spend your life with her? have more kids with her? raise her child with her? why?


and now, you need to understand something else - this is not only about her - it is about YOU. YOU have a responsibility here too. if you are already bothering to go to pre-marital counseling, and you are not bringing up the real issues - then what is the point? if you insist on marrying her - then at the very least you owe it to yourself to bring up these issues and deal with them.


don't make the mistake many of us make and think that "oh, how can i do this one month before the wedding?" trust me - with all the heartbreak, hardships, and money loss - its still easier to do this BEFORE the wedding than AFTER. DON'T think about walking down that aisle with the teeniest doubt in your mind.


hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:14am
What happened last night - the cell phone chill, calling you a liar - then the romantic dinner - is the true cycle of an abuser. There's the abuse, the apology, then the honeymoon stage; then the abuse, the apology, the honeymoon stage..... it doesn't end until you step out of it. How many times has it happened already? My guess is you didn't grow up in this kind of family or you might be accepting it as normal like she does? You are seeing the signs now already. Someone who cares about you must have taught you this early in life. Listen to your inner voice. It's telling you something very, very important.

She might be very angry and if I think right probably vindictive. If not now, she would be later in marriage. It is harder to leave after marriage than before, believe me. Later you will feel very isolated if you don't already. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

During the time I was dating, my boyfriend whom I married - degraded me in front of his family, friends and relatives. He called me names, picked at my looks, told me I was the ugly duckling, put me down when I wouldn't put out, then apologized and did sweet things sometimes. I wanted to dump him but I was a pleaser so I tried harder to please him, always apologizing and explaining my actions away. If I got upset he would say, "yes, I know you want to see the change, not just the words." But the change never came. After marriage, within a year, he called me a cow when I was pregnant, demanded my money in front of relatives, said my concerns were all just in my head, I was too sensitive, etc., then started keeping me from friends, threatening them, suggesting to hurt me physically so I couldn't go out. You might say, but she's not that bad. Do you see though - it wasn't this bad when we were dating, it got worse after we were married. The abusive person sees their spouse as a posession, they are suspicious of everything you do, accuse you of lying, make you feel like you can't do anything right, which makes you feel you must be doing everything wrong. But it's not your fault for being yourself.

I want you to know that if you do decide to break it off, there are people who will be behind you 100%. You are asking all the right questions. Surround yourself with the people who you know will support you and love you for protection and affirmation. If you feel your parents would listen ask your parents and family/friends what they think. Let them be honest about their feelings. They might surprise you. Parents and friends often don't want to interfere but if they are given a chance they will be your best ally. As long as you choose to stay in the relationship, they try to support you as best they can because they love you and they try to have a good relationship with the person you are planning to marry even though it would be stressful. Good parents will also support you when they see you are struggling and need to make a break. Family and friends will help you build up your self esteem again. I hope you find this message board helpful and validating to your concerns. We are here for you.

Take care.

Let us know how it goes.



Edited 6/13/2004 5:26 am ET ET by hashell2004


Edited 6/13/2004 5:35 am ET ET by hashell2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:08am
this is soooo true! we often think of abusers as being men - and abused as being women, but you are right - this IS classic abusive behavior.

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