Unsure of Commitment
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| Tue, 06-24-2008 - 7:17pm |
I have been lurking on the site for a while and decided to just post my question instead of hiding...
I have been in a relationship with my bf for almost 2 years. We broke up for a few months when I moved out of state to attend graduate school - we both kind of freaked at the distance and split, only to get back together last fall. Overall he is the best boyfriend I've had - he's kind, caring, sweet, stable, dependable, funny, loyal, etc.
The past few weeks he has been talking about getting engaged, moving in together, etc. The first time he mentioned it I was excited, but the more he brings it up the more nervous I seem to get. I keep finding reasons to not get engaged right now, one of the main one's being my family disapproves of him. They think I can do better, that I'm too young to dedicate myself to him (I'm 23), etc. He is 5 years older than me, and enlisted in the military right out of high school, married his high school girlfriend, they had a kid, he caught her cheating on him multiple times so they divorced. My parents are hesitant about this, and I admit I have some issues about being a mom to this 7 year old child this young in my life. We've talked about this, and he reassures me it will be fine.
I am definitely in the most healthy, mature relationship I have ever had. He has helped me grow and overcome relationship fears I previously had, and I am extremely grateful for that. Yet my parents' distaste for him and refusal to accept him weighs heavy on me and puts a lot of stress on me, and add that on top to my sudden hesitancy to marry him or move in with him, and I'm starting to wonder if we are meant to be. I find myself wondering what a relationship would be like with this person or that person (although I have NEVER done anything nor would I consider it - cheating is wrong in my book no matter how you slice it). He wants to move in with me in the next few months, which I know would drive my parents up the wall and add more stress to my life, but I feel like if I tell him no it may change the dynamic of our relationship. Any advice anyone can give I would greatly appreciate.

After two years you are either absolutely sure someone is right for you... Or you're not, and they're not.
I think your concerns are normal, and it may make sense to look at what you're parents are saying. Not that he's "not good enough" for you because it's impossible to quantify a person next to another, but that you ARE very young and this guy comes with a lot.
He's going to be in charge of his child for well over a decade.
"I admit I have some issues about being a mom to this 7 year old child this young in my life."
Do not even consider marrying this man unless you are 100% positive that not only CAN you be a stepmom to his child but also that you really WANT to.
"We've talked about this, and he reassures me it will be fine."
He has absolutely no right to decide this for you. This is a decision you have to come to on your own. He is trying to cajole you into making the decision he wants, and not truly allowing you to make your own choices.
I would think that a 28 year old guy with a kid from a cheating ex-wife would be a lot slower and more cautious about getting married again. Instead it looks as though he is almost desperate to find another wife without finding HIMSELF first. His pressure on you is VERY worrying.
I think you need to take a serious look at where this relationship is headed, and whether or not you want to be integrated with him, his child, and everything they come with for the rest of your life. You're not sure. And in another two years, his situation will be the same. I have an inkling that this is really not meant to be. Relationships are not entirely about meeting the right person, but also about meeting the right person in the right time in your lives. Perhaps 10 years from now this would be an ideal situation for you, but right now it doesn't seem like it is. I think you'd be giving up a lot of important years to play stepmom if you married him. But, this is your decision, and just make sure that you don't move forward unless you're 100% on it.
This is the point in your relationship where you need to make it or break it. It's clear he does not want to wait much longer for an answer, but spartan, I think it would take you a very long time before you're truly ready to accept what this man has to offer.
Have you met his child yet? do you get along with his child?
Welcome to the board spartan917,
If you are having doubts then it's time to slow down, espeically if he's brushing aside the fears/concerns you bring up.