Unsure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Unsure what to do
21
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:25pm

I've been in a committed relationship with my beau for over a year now. Our morals and ethics align, we think along the same lines in every area we've talked about. We've talked in the future about long term commitment to one another and is something that we both want. More recently because of living arrangements and additional complications, we can't have the contact or communication that we used to have. As well because of some serious illness in her family and other things weighing on her mind, she's lost the ability to feel. Feels nothing towards her family, children or me. She's told me that I still mean the world to her and to give her time and that she loves me expressing my thoughts and feelings to her and helps her to know that I'm still here and not running away. At the same time she says she doesn't know when we can be together.

My ego is bruised and ranting that she's pushing me away, that she's just telling me what I want to hear to let me down easy. My thoughts are saying, be calm, give her time and let her know you'll be there for her through any crisis. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or push her away. I care deeply about her and though life would go on if she wasn't in it, life is sweeter for her presence.

It hurts alot because we shared so much before and can't now, we were each others sounding board and loved talking because we could say and feel what we wanted and not be judged.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 4:12pm

Welcome to the board alilwarped,


Since she's disassociated from her feelings, what is she doing to get back in touch with her feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:19am
I don't want to fix her or change her. I'll wait as long as it takes.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 10:08am

I don't know how long she's been in this state of mind of "feeling nothing". She's numbing herself so as not to feel the pain of the situation she's in - the illness of someone close to her. This is a psychological defense. It's not a very healthy one and it can have negative consequences, some of which you've described. Perhaps you can recommend to her that she seek some therapy, which she needs badly. Tell her that this is not a healthy way to handle her feelings, not for her or anyone else. Also, in the future, if you do get together and a painful situation arises again in life, (as it always does), she will resort to this defense once again. It's not something you want to live with on an on-going basis.


If this has only gone on for a short while, then it's less serious. Some people numb themselves in the beginning when they hear bad news, to get through the shock. However, in time, the numbing wears off. So, a lot depends on how long it's going on. Of course it's good to give her some space in the beginning, but if it goes on for a longer while, then it has to be addressed.


Give yourself a time frame for how long you can live with this. See how she reacts to the suggestion of counselling. If things don't change in your time frame and she hasn't gone to counselling, then you will become clearer about whether or not this is a healthy relationship for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:25pm
not to sound mean / uncaring but there are many 'healthy' women around, why would you want to wait for her.she doesnt have the ability to withstand difficult times ( who doesnt have them? ). she is weak and doesnt handle herself or anyone around her well.I would also add that she is stringing you along.move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:34pm

I agree with this advice 100%. You are right, she sounds like a WEAK woman, and a weak woman makes a bad relationship partner/wife/mother. To wait around for her when she "feels nothing" for him would be a waste of his time but if he feels he needs to do it, that's his choice.

Everyone has to weather bad times. It's part of The Human Experience. If she can't handle herself she can't handle being part of a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 8:55pm

It's only been about 2 weeks now from what I've gathered and while still not back where we were, she is slowly coming around.

There could very well be other "healthy" women out there. In everyone I've ever been involved with though, I've never found someone with whom for the most part everything just seems to fall into place.

As for being weak, I think that she's far from it, without going into detail, she's dealing with more than anyone I know could handle and not end up mental in some way. I agree that she's shut her emotions down to function through some very traumatic/stressful news/events.

After talking to her/seeing her today I'm quite positive that she's turning the corner.

In my original post I was having a war in my head with my ego and my intellect. The ego was being a brat and dredging up the past. That is the past and needs to be left there, that's where any doubt and insecurity was coming from. I tied the ego up and kicked him to a corner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 7:21am

Way to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 1:40pm
Welcome to the board ts_blossom and thanks for participating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 7:38am

In my original post I was having a war in my head with my ego and my intellect. The ego was being a brat and dredging up the past. That is the past and needs to be left there, that's where any doubt and insecurity was coming from. I tied the ego up and kicked him to a corner.


(((Laughing)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 6:55pm

After doing my own meditation on everything and looking objectively at the past and the current situation, I can see where my ego was trying to protect me. There is no longer a war in my head and am seeing clearly where my goals are and have developed intermediate steps to get there. The past is the past and not this moment.

I have complete faith and trust in my love and she is turning the corner. Feelings haven't returned nor do I expect that right away, she knows I believe in her and have faith in her. I tell her that every moment I can. I have her distracted at times and thinking about other positive things, dreams, the future etc. I always try to see the positive in everything and point it out to her.

I wrote her a song. She's completely flattered and doesn't know what to think or say. I told her, don't think or say anything, just enjoy it. She wants to hear the recorded version of it (I only sang it to her, my voice not being so great hehe), but I think she loved it anyway :) I also read her the poems I've written and read her my daily diary.

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