Unsure of what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Unsure of what to do....
4
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 12:24pm

My husband is in the military.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:28pm
Hi Nikole...

First...Pianoguy LOVED your family portrait. Very nice...and that includes Mason & Dixie too! BUT....Pianoguy didn't like the fact that your husband lied about his marriage and that you suddenly became separated. After a little more thought about both sides (his and yours)---I think I know why he behaved the way he did!

It's often tough for a military man to sort out his feelings when his spouse is 'at home' hundreds of miles away. Any "down-time" is difficult. And the biggest problem with any separation is something that Stephen Stills echoed in one of his earlier songs:

"If you can't be with the one you love (honey) LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH!"

Apparently...your husband sought out a "temporary wife substitute?" And in order to get her...he lied about you and the status of his marriage.

This wasn't fair to YOU or your children. However, you probably WON'T know his true feelings until his 'hitch in the service' is up and he returns home? Keep in mind that when a man works his 'tail' off for a promotion or some sort of advancement...and he's "passed over" for someone else...it's pretty devastating. Many of us DO feel like failures....to ourselves and to the people who love us. And as stupid as it sounds...some of us need "reassurance" in the form of a hug!

Once again...I want to stress that I DIDN'T APPROVE OF YOUR HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR...and misleading his...err...'companion' was lousy!

Here's a suggestion. What you might want to consider is an occasional weekend visit to where he is stationed? Or something that will reinforce the fact that YOU are in love with him so much...that a part of your life is missing...when HE'S NOT AROUND?

Since there's still a desire on both sides "to fix things"---that's good! When 1 partner wants to END EVERYTHING---that's not so good! So try to "accentuate the positive" by being as patient and understanding as you can...at least until the time arrives when you both can confront the problem face-to-face.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 2:33pm
That fact that you are unsure of what to do, (some people would say it would be over) that is an affair I would see it that way, or at the least he did cheat. anyway If it were me and I know everyone will hate this answer, If he is a good father, and you get along when he is there, do your own thing when he is gone, don't tell him, don't throw it in his face, and don't ask what he is doing either. I wish I could have an open marriage and I think most people would to if they didn't think it was wrong. I would in a minute, no love on the side, someone that knew an understood you hart belong to your husband, but someone that you could talk to and spend time with. later on when he moves back or things die down then you got yourself a man that knows you will love him forever, and he respects and treasures you for it. but don't let him have all the fun or you will be misserable. don't ask, don't tell. let him think you trust him 100%, he will do the same if he is cheating, as long as you don't hassle him about the details of his days. sex is one thing love is another, separate the two and maybe your marriage would be better. if you can that is if this is not for you it would make things worse, so don't cheat for spite or new love. it has to be just on the side, and for you, not to get to your husband. people will hate this but really sex is only what you make it. love, lust, fun, need, if you both keep love for only each other why not buck the norm. I wouldn't tell friends and family though they will not get it and even if they do they wouldn't admit it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 11:43pm

Thank you for your advice....I really appreciate it.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:11am
HI Subswife,

Let me start by saying that I think you are a sweet person just by reading your post. I know I'm in no position to give advice(see post "please help me... IM at my whit's end"). you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I too have a husband that is in the military and after all of the posts I put on here, I got a book and read it last night and realized a lot of things and the way a lot of problems start. I too am on meds for depression and my husband isnt very supportive of that. He feels that depression is all in one's head and Dr's use that to make money off patients. HE forgets that we don't pay for prescriptions! I know how you feel being away from your husband because mine has been away for a year when the war started. He was part of 3rd ID that went into Baghdad and invaded. He has talked to other people before but it wasnt when he wasnt around me. He chose to do it when things hit the fan at home. He has said he hasnt done it anymore but its happened 3 times and Im not sure whether to beleive him or not. I know he too lied about being married and said we were separated and that I wouldnt let him see his child and that we had been split for 6mo. The REAL case was 2 1/2 wks and he could come see his child anytime he wanted. He did it for sympathy. I realized in my marriage that I was the persuer and he was the withdrawer. I know this doesnt make much sense and IM not sure if Im trying to give advice or tell a story. LOL BUt I did just want to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you and I sincerely hope that you guys do work it out. YOu sound like you both love each other. IF you have never made your husband jealous maybe you should. You dont have to cheat on him. Just let him know that if he can find other people like that, so can you. Might open his eyes and make his mind up for him. Just my opinion.