Unsure what to do
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| Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:25pm |
I've been in a committed relationship with my beau for over a year now. Our morals and ethics align, we think along the same lines in every area we've talked about. We've talked in the future about long term commitment to one another and is something that we both want. More recently because of living arrangements and additional complications, we can't have the contact or communication that we used to have. As well because of some serious illness in her family and other things weighing on her mind, she's lost the ability to feel. Feels nothing towards her family, children or me. She's told me that I still mean the world to her and to give her time and that she loves me expressing my thoughts and feelings to her and helps her to know that I'm still here and not running away. At the same time she says she doesn't know when we can be together.
My ego is bruised and ranting that she's pushing me away, that she's just telling me what I want to hear to let me down easy. My thoughts are saying, be calm, give her time and let her know you'll be there for her through any crisis. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or push her away. I care deeply about her and though life would go on if she wasn't in it, life is sweeter for her presence.
It hurts alot because we shared so much before and can't now, we were each others sounding board and loved talking because we could say and feel what we wanted and not be judged.

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Well so much for her turning the corner. The last 2 encounters with her have been absolutely cold and I feel like she wants to avoid me. Keeps her cell-phone off, doesn't wave or smile. I'm not positive but I think she's lied to me about a few minor things to avoid talking to me. I know she's going through a lot, but I'm begining to question if it's all an excuse to let me down easy and have everything go cold between us.
I have decided to just let her be, not try to contact her and get on with things in my own life. There is a lot that I have to do to be able to continue my life that I have been putting off because of the current situation. Regardless of whether or not she wants anything more to do with us, I have to focus on me and my daughters. I hold out hope that everything is as she's said and this will pass and there's light at the end of the tunnel for us, but I can't obsess about it anymore. If it was meant to be it will be, but I have to move on.
I don't think this is going to be easy as I still feel very strongly for her and believe underneath the anger, grief and guilt surrounding her circumstances, she feels very strongly for me. There's still so much unresolved and I can't help feeling like somehow I've done something wrong. She says it isn't me, it's her.
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