untouchable

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
untouchable
2
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 4:04pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 and a half years. It seems like we have the same reoccuring fights about the most petty of subjects. I can honestly admit that, to some, I may seem a little high maitenance, or whatever to new term is, but I also know that I can limit my requests and other relationship aspects that may be affected. Since I can remember, I always felt that I've come second in his life, far from his friends he holds on an unreachable pedestal. At first I was ok with it. I didn't exactly have a leg to stand on because our relationship was very "high-school" and not serious in the least. Well, we ended up making the decision to stay together and move on to a different and more difficult chapter in our lives, going into college as a couple. Well, for the longest time we struggled with our commitment issues and trust issues. We even came close to seperating but then mutally decided that we still wanted to be together. Recently, however, I've noticed a change in my BF that I cannot seem to deny or overlook. It seems as though he's found a new group of friends. Don't get me wrong. I totally support having different groups of friends. Then again, I also support making him my first priority as I expect the same from him. However, you cannot control how a person feels or handles situations. Thus, I've come here to seek advice and support. I just feel that he picks his friends over me all of the time. Its not that we don't hang out a lot. Its just that, he leaves me in the dust to run and be with his friends. For instance, leaving me on the couch while he goes and hangs out with his friends (with other girls there that make me VERY uncomfortable)at 2am. I don't want to engulf his entire life but I do want to feel like I mean something to him. I just feel like he gets a light in his eye when he hangs out with his friends and I feel that it should be the other way around. I always fear that we've gotten "too comfortable" in our relationship and that I'm just being taken for granted. Its always a sure thing that I'll be there and end up apologizing. I hate that. Am I asking too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cml7u
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:23pm
cml7u...

Pianoguy realizes the following will sound a little selfish, but...whenever you prioritize ANYBODY over YOURSELF...you'll end up holding the short straw!

It's pretty obvious (to me anyway)...that you're looking for a man who will "match" the devotion you're giving, right? And after 3.5 years, it's clear that your b/f ISN'T going to!

So perhaps "a change will do you good?" (I'm quoting Sheryl Crowe's lyric, but the idea definitely applies in your situation)! Give this some thought, okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: cml7u
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:09pm
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that matches mutually, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually .... and that you are each other's priority. Sounds like he gets his 'thrills' (conversation, stimulation, companionship) more outside the relationship than you would like. It's different if you know there is a commitment and that the other person in the relationship holds the relationship on the same level of commitment that you do, but it doesn't sound like this is the case. Maybe you two have outgrown each other, maybe he feels he's missing something, maybe he's bored, or likes the development stages of a relationship, getting to know someone, etc, but not the day-to-day routines, or that there is something better out there in the terms of entertainment for him other than being in a long-term committed relationship? You won't know for sure until you hear it from him, but he may be unwilling to talk about it because he likes the situation exactly the way it is.


Edited 9/6/2004 7:10 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie