Unwelcome guest

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Unwelcome guest
3
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:03pm
My now husband, BR, and I just bought our dream house in August 2003. We were married in 6/2004. My cousin is my husband's best friend. My cousin approached my hubby in 10/2003 and asked if he could stay with us for a while so he could get back on his feet. Well, BR thought that would be ok. I said I was unsure about it, but he was going to be paying rent and we were in the process of paying for a very expensive wedding. My cousin is very possesive of BR. He also has an on off relationship with his girlfriend, and they only see each other like once a month. In the mean time, he spends weekends with us, he eats dinner with us every night, he goes out to eat with us, he gets mad at BR when he doesn't watch sports with him and he knocks on our bedroom door and asks what we're doing! He's cramping my relationship!!! And to make it even worse, BR thinks he should treat my cousin and I the same!!! I feel like my cousin living there has only strenghthened their relationship and hurts our marriage. I don't believe that BR should treat us the same, I think I deserve a little credit and a little more respect. I believe my husband has his cake and is eating it too because when BR and I are argueing, he says that he'll just go hang out with my cousin. I feel like I'm living in a frat house and it makes me unhappy because no one is listening to me. I've tried to talk to my husband, and he just blows me off. I told him that I'm unhappy and he gets mad and blames me. Not only do I feel like I have to compete for his attention, but I feel like I'm not being heard. I even tried to tell BR that he did not have to kick my cousin out, he just needs to talk to him about when he plans on doing so. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: meg21581
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 6:35pm
"And to make it even worse, BR thinks he should treat my cousin and I the same!!! ... it makes me unhappy because no one is listening to me. I've tried to talk to my husband, and he just blows me off. I told him that I'm unhappy and he gets mad and blames me."

You need to sit down with your husband and let him know how serious things are. Ask him to go to counseling with you because you afraid that the situation is seriously harming your marriage. If he won't go then that says a lot about how much he values the marriage. He is obviously confused about the definitions of marriage and respect.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
In reply to: meg21581
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:49pm
Hi Meg,

I am still trying to get over the fact that he knocks on your bedroom door and asks what you are doing! Doesn't he realize that the first year of any marriage is most crucial and he's a third wheel that needs to roll away? My goodness... he's your cousin, but obviously your husband is closer to him than you are so you can't sit him down and tell him that he has overstayed his welcome but do you think mentioning it to another relative that can casually mention to him that he should get out would work? If it were my cousin I would not hesitiate to tell another family member that might want to step in and help. I realize your husband and cousin might get mad at you for doing it but I think that if you don't do something this cousin is going to cause serious resentment within your marriage. I sincerely wish you luck here. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: meg21581
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 9:08pm
Why can't YOU just bring it up casually and ask him when he thinks he'll be moving on?

"Gee, whateverhisnameis, you must be tired of living with us by now. Surely you don't want to stay with us forever. Have you thought about where you might move to?"

If that doesn't work, I'd simply state the obvious - "We've just moved in, just got married and I'd like to have some space with my husband. I'm sure you can understand."