Update: Fiancee & late night phone calls

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Update: Fiancee & late night phone calls
3
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 5:09pm
Thanks for everyones advice from my last post. Appreciate it

I told my fiancee how I felt last night. I told her not only did I want the late phone calls to stop but I told her that after thinking about it I didn't think too much of a man who'd call an engaged woman after midnight. So, I said because of that I'd like her to stop talking to him all together. She thought I was overreacting. I told her I'm sorry but that's how I feel. She said nothing is going on. She brought up trusting her. I told her "I've trusted her this whole time. And look what I find out what was going on while I trusted you" She said that she would stop talking to him. She said she was dissapointed in me because I looked at the phone bill. I told her I only checked it after I noticed this guy has called late on the weekend and everyday this past week. And also based on her reaction to me when I asked her to tell me more about the guy. She practically avoided answering any questions for a couple of hours. I said after all that, then I looked at the phone bill. I told her this is a trust issue. She kinda barked out, "are you kidding me?" "Have i lost your trust?" I told her I'm just going to be wondering if you two are still talking.

Later, that night. We talked by phone again. I was still mad. And she said she could tell. And said she thought I was being controlling. And didn't think it was fair to ask that she stop talking to him all together. I said do what you want. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I don't think I should have to ask you to stop. I thought you would of put an end to this yourself but you didn't. She said she still wanted to talk to him just not late at night. And she said she might even see him again. I said, no way. I'm not having that. We're gonna have a big problem. I told her we need counseling. She said we need counseling over a phone call? I said well we need someone else to mediate. I told her to ask her sister or her mom. She immediately said no. She didn't want anyone in our business.

She had made a comment last friday when a female friend of mine (who I hadn't talked to since last summer, the only contact I've had with her was a xmas card and a phone msg in oct of 2003 telling me that she was goin to hawaii to get married.) called at 9pm and left a voice msg. My fiancee said, it's kinda late for her to be calling.

But, it really upsets me now when I think about it because she said that knowing that she was receivng and making calls later than that. I told my fiancee to put herself in my shoes. Would she like it if I was receiving and making late night calls? I told her before you make a comment like its to late for a friend of mine to call me. I told her to look in the mirror because you were receiving and making late night calls herself. I told her that I was hurt and upset. She said she was sorry and wouldn't talk to him again.

Later, that night again I called her to say goodnight. And she brought up, why do we have to do everything my way. I told her, she could talk to whoever she wanted to. She said she didn't want to argue anymore and said goodnight.

This morning she called and apologized and said she could see how that could hurt me. She said there was nothing going on and she has never and would never cheat on me. I told her I trust her but not him. She said, he's in another state. I said, that doesn't mean he cant try to flirt with you or when we're arguing try to make her feel like its not worth it. I said she had called him after we had arguments. She was silent. She just said she was sorry and will never talk to him again. And assured me she loves me.

I feel a trust issue now. Am I really making too much out of this? Am I overreacting? This is still on my mind. And I wonder if they will talk again. I wonder if he will keep trying to contact her. But, at the same time I don't want to keep bringing it up to her, but I do want her to know that its on my mind still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 5:32pm
Are you considerably older than her...or younger than her...I mean, she doesn't share your values and standards and perceptions of life and what is right and wrong to do - why are you with her?

You want "a relationsip' so bad you don't care who the person is that you're having it with?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 3:46pm
I don't think you are overreacting - she met this guy in Vegas, she talks to him late at night, shares emotional, imtimate stuff about her relationship with him (talks about you, the fights you have, etc) - so she's looking for emotional support, maybe he's flirting, maybe he wants more (hmm, how fast can you build a strong friendship with someone you meet in Vegas) and now when pressed, she will say anything to keep the relationship, because she's attached, she has an emotional connection with this guy AND she doesn't want to give that up. She should be looking to you to fill that role. I still say insist on pre-martial counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:37am
I stand by the advice I gave you last time. As I said, I don't think this is ultimately about the guy in LV or the phone calls. I think it is about the fundamental issue of you and she not being on the same page about boundaries and respect for one another. She may be sorry, and you may love one another, but now that this is "settled" will her core beliefs and attitudes now be completely changed to match yours? Time will tell. Good luck.