UPDATE!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE NAIVE...MEN READ

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
UPDATE!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE NAIVE...MEN READ
15
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 12:55pm

I need a man's advice. 

I have been seeing this guy for 7 months and I love him.  He says he loves me and he can see us together as husband and wife.  We can talk for hours and I feel like I can tell him anything, but it has been different lately.  He is younger than me by a year.  I don't have a problem with that, but I can still see the immature mentality he has at times.  The issue is, I feel alone in the relationship now.  For the past month, we haven't talked like we usually do.  I don't see him as much as I use to.  He claims he is always tired and I understood because he works 12 hour shifts.  When I tell him I miss him or I love him, he either doesn't respond or he gives me some off the wall response like how's your day going.  I'm very understanding, but I am not naive. I'm very busy myself with two jobs and school, but I always find the time to text him or respond to him.  That’s my love, so of course I'll make sure I give him the attention he deserves...but the same isn't being reciprocated to me.  That is why I am here asking for advice.  I think he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore.  I just feel like if he really loved me and cared than he would find the time to text me back or come see me.  He text me the other night and said he was going to send me flowers, but he decided not to because he didn't know how I would react.  Of course I thought...you are full of it. I told him I would have loved them, thinking that maybe he will just send them now that he knows how I would react.  I thought wrong.  I never received flowers and I haven't heard from him since that night, which was 2 days ago. I try not to think negative, but I can't help it.  I've learned from my last relationship and I am trying not to bring the baggage into this new one.  So can someone help? I am all eyes! 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 4:55pm
I agree with you: he's losing, or has lost, his interest in you. Your needs are not being met, your feelings and actions are not being reciprocated, so this is not the guy for you. You can do much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 12:20am

I'm not a man, but 6-7 months is about the time that reality sets in, and people (it could be the man OR the woman) realize that it's really not what they want, or that it's moved too fast.  What do you mean that you learned from your last relationship and you're trying not to bring baggage into this one?  What baggage?

This has nothing to do with you, it's just that he's losing or lost interest in the relationship, and maybe he just doesn't know how to tell you, so he's being distant, unavailable, and not interested, hoping you'll get it, and end it.  Young  guys are especially good at doing this......then their conscience is clear......she broke up with me.  Time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 2:02am

Beckaboo-

Hi. I'm a 50 year old man. Unfortunately, I believe your instincts are right about your boyfriend. He has lost interest, but like many people, lacks the courage or strength to give the bad news to you straight. Yes, he is busy, but it really doesn't take much time to send an email or have a short phone chat.

Sorry I don't have better news for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 9:54am

I want to thank everyone for responding. I didn't want to be naive, because I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 5 years and he totally disrespected me. I didn't want to be that girl that thought all guys were the same. I thought this guy was different because he did things that my ex didn't do. But I also picked up on some things that weren't right. Now I am completely confused because I believed he loved me and I believed he cared for me. I didn't want to believe all the things we talked about were feelings that weren't real. I woke up at 5 a.m. thinking about this and I texted him 2 hours later asking if he was okay since I hadn't heard from him. There was no response. He does usually respond even if it is vague. I guess it's time I stop being an idiot and just let things be. I really wish people wouldn't play with someone's feelings like this and at least have the courage to tell them the truth. Apparently I was just caught up in his game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 5:27pm

Maybe he wasn't playing a game but was caught up in the infatuation of being with you initially & thought he loved you, then things started to cool down.  But if that's true, he should be mature enough to tell you how he feels--after all that time, he shouldn't just disappear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 6:17pm

The thing is...I ask questions about how he feels. Just last week we discussed why he loved me and that he can see his self married to me. He was telling me he loved me out the blue again and encouraging me to go back to school to get my masters....and I was reassured that he cares and loves me. I do find it odd that he never responded to my text Friday morning or the one I sent this morning. Even if he was to text or call me now....I would just let him know that I am glad he is okay...and move forward with my life. I just don't see someone who could do this have respect for me or love for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 11:51pm

You are being naive.  You two met, there was an attraction, and most people will do or say whatever they think the other person wants to hear......in the beginning.  Then, probably as in your case, after a few months, he started thinking....."what am I doing?  I'm not ready to settle down or get married!"  It also sounds more like you asking him questions and him replying, rather than having a discussion.  Everyone, you as well as him, is on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship.  He's different than your last b/f, but that doesn't mean he's the man of your dreams, either.  If you need that kind of reassurance from a man on a regular basis, then you're needy, and men don't like needy.  The fact that he didn't return your text says that he's done, and you have to respect THAT.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 12:03am

If your ex totally disrespected you, why did you stay with him for 5 years?  And I'll bet that he didn't do it the first few months......that only shows up after several months.  In the beginning, they're all nice, they're on their best behavior, and so are you I'm sure.  After getting to know each other, then the "not so great" things start to show.  And that's when you decide you're in the wrong relationship, and you move on.   Of course this new guy was "different" from the ex.  All guys are different.  No one is perfect, including you.  But you already saw some faults in him......Everyone has faults.  And when you first see faults is when you look for more, and decide if they're a deal breaker or not.  You may have scared him off with your questions, and trying to find out if this was a long term relationship.  Now you know, it wasn't.  You need to work on your self esteem, and understand that you have to love yourself before someone else will love you.  If it's a good relationship, you don't have to question them about their intentions......they will be evident.   Maybe it's time to work on your Masters and not worry about relationships for the time being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 6:45am

There was a lot of things that went on in my 5 year relationship, including a miscarriage.  There was a lot of emotions and we stayed together for the wrong reasons.  He did disrespect me in a lot of ways, but he also came back and apologized for his mistakes.  He didn't keep me in the dark about his doubts.  As far as the questions I was asking the current guys, it was far from needy.  He asked me why I loved him and I asked him the same. He asked about us living together and also meeting his daughter.  It's normal questions that you would ask when you are curious.  People can say they love you, but if they don't have reasoning behind it then you really can't trust it.  I would have to disagree that I am needy because I like my space too.  I have accepted the fact that he just doesn't want to talk to me, but at this point I really wouldn't be willing to talk to him either. Thanks for the advice. :)

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 5:15pm

Although your instincts may be correct, lets not put all of our eggs in the "cell phone" basket here.   We have all had messages and texts not go through, or take 2 days to arrive.  Is it possible something happened and his family didn't call you? 

I think you need to see how things go this week.  If the quiet continues, then your concerns have probably been confirmed.  Can't you do go by his house?   If you two have started talking about love and being married, I would think that it would be appropriate for either of you to pop by the other's place.  Sometimes we go through a bit of a wierd spot in a R, so I woudn't necessarily assume this is the end.   It may be, but I wouldn't assume that just yet. 

Good luck and I will be curious to hear what happens this week! 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity

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