UPDATE!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE NAIVE...MEN READ

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
UPDATE!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE NAIVE...MEN READ
15
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 12:55pm

I need a man's advice. 

I have been seeing this guy for 7 months and I love him.  He says he loves me and he can see us together as husband and wife.  We can talk for hours and I feel like I can tell him anything, but it has been different lately.  He is younger than me by a year.  I don't have a problem with that, but I can still see the immature mentality he has at times.  The issue is, I feel alone in the relationship now.  For the past month, we haven't talked like we usually do.  I don't see him as much as I use to.  He claims he is always tired and I understood because he works 12 hour shifts.  When I tell him I miss him or I love him, he either doesn't respond or he gives me some off the wall response like how's your day going.  I'm very understanding, but I am not naive. I'm very busy myself with two jobs and school, but I always find the time to text him or respond to him.  That’s my love, so of course I'll make sure I give him the attention he deserves...but the same isn't being reciprocated to me.  That is why I am here asking for advice.  I think he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore.  I just feel like if he really loved me and cared than he would find the time to text me back or come see me.  He text me the other night and said he was going to send me flowers, but he decided not to because he didn't know how I would react.  Of course I thought...you are full of it. I told him I would have loved them, thinking that maybe he will just send them now that he knows how I would react.  I thought wrong.  I never received flowers and I haven't heard from him since that night, which was 2 days ago. I try not to think negative, but I can't help it.  I've learned from my last relationship and I am trying not to bring the baggage into this new one.  So can someone help? I am all eyes! 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

Hey, if 84 is when you were born...the world's your oyster...!! You've got it all ahead of you yet. This was just a practice run, for the real thing. That's the only way to see it. I've had this  very same thing happen to me more times than I care to remember. All amazing, I adore you, my beloved, my world, blah blah blah...then sudden dissapearance for absolutely no reason. Guess what? I have now been very very happy with my hubby of 10 years. And I was by NO MEANS perfect  when we met as far as all those things (confidence, self-this, that and the other etc etc etc) you're supposed to have achieved 'within yourself' before you meet the right person- as pointless 'self-help' books tend to tell us!!

You just need to chuck it up to experience and move on to pastures new where new,  better, much  more handsome blokes await, and one of them will be right for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013

Juliasuk, I agree with your post.  It's been a week since everything happened, so I've sucked it up and I'm slowly moving on.  I have some insecurities, but as far as my self esteem, I think its fine.  I love myself and I love how I look.  I think everyone has insecurities, if we didn't we wouldn't be human.  I believe he was infactuated and his actions has proved it.  As I said he did contact me after the 4 days, however his excuse for not contacting me was really a load of crap. Mind you, I didn't bother texting him after he told that lame story. He would text me, but the messages were very short and careless. So I finally told him that I can tell he has lost interest and that his attention was elsewhere.  That was a day ago and I didn't receive any response to that text.  Yes I am hurt and of course I get emotional because I am human.  I take this as a lesson learned and I know I have to move on. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

'..You may have scared him off with your questions, and trying to find out if this was a long term relationship.  Now you know, it wasn't.  You need to work on your self esteem, and understand that you have to love yourself before someone else will love you.'

Oh come off it woman!!! There's no such thing as 'scaring someone off''. And it's not about 'working on self-esteem' every time a new r-ship breaks down. The man was infatuated - for a few months. The feelings for some reason stopped..it happens. Just dissapeard. She couldn't have scared him off with anything if he felt more for her and if the feelings stayed. As for self-esteem....it just completely annoys me, this assumption that only confident self-assured/loving happy people can have good r-ships. This is just such utter nonsense. No matter how insecure, obscure, odd, sad, unsure of self...if the bloke's right for a girl, if the timing's right and the two people are right for each other...the r-ship WILL work. All those faults and imperfections included.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013

I knew he was going out of town for the weekend, but whenever he goes out of town we always stay in contact.  He said he left his phone at home....which I find hard to believe. Mind you this does not excuse why he didn't text me back Friday morning because he was still in town.  So...with that being said I am slowly but surely stepping back.  I believe this was a sign that I should not ignore.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 6:19pm

Thanks for your response Serenity.  I would love to believe that something went wrong with his cell phone and he just couldn't contact me, but really?  Its been since Friday and I've sent two messages already.  Our conversation was normal on Thursday, so I don't know what could be the problem. The flower comment he made did throw me for a loop because I am thinking ... what girl wouldn't want flowers? So, I am going to wait it out. I can't imagine that things would come to an end like this, I find it very weird. But I have to also prepare myself for the disappointment that may arrive. I just want to thank everyone for commenting. I've been considering everyone's input. I will definitely update my threads with new details.... if any :(

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 5:15pm

Although your instincts may be correct, lets not put all of our eggs in the "cell phone" basket here.   We have all had messages and texts not go through, or take 2 days to arrive.  Is it possible something happened and his family didn't call you? 

I think you need to see how things go this week.  If the quiet continues, then your concerns have probably been confirmed.  Can't you do go by his house?   If you two have started talking about love and being married, I would think that it would be appropriate for either of you to pop by the other's place.  Sometimes we go through a bit of a wierd spot in a R, so I woudn't necessarily assume this is the end.   It may be, but I wouldn't assume that just yet. 

Good luck and I will be curious to hear what happens this week! 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 6:45am

There was a lot of things that went on in my 5 year relationship, including a miscarriage.  There was a lot of emotions and we stayed together for the wrong reasons.  He did disrespect me in a lot of ways, but he also came back and apologized for his mistakes.  He didn't keep me in the dark about his doubts.  As far as the questions I was asking the current guys, it was far from needy.  He asked me why I loved him and I asked him the same. He asked about us living together and also meeting his daughter.  It's normal questions that you would ask when you are curious.  People can say they love you, but if they don't have reasoning behind it then you really can't trust it.  I would have to disagree that I am needy because I like my space too.  I have accepted the fact that he just doesn't want to talk to me, but at this point I really wouldn't be willing to talk to him either. Thanks for the advice. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 12:03am

If your ex totally disrespected you, why did you stay with him for 5 years?  And I'll bet that he didn't do it the first few months......that only shows up after several months.  In the beginning, they're all nice, they're on their best behavior, and so are you I'm sure.  After getting to know each other, then the "not so great" things start to show.  And that's when you decide you're in the wrong relationship, and you move on.   Of course this new guy was "different" from the ex.  All guys are different.  No one is perfect, including you.  But you already saw some faults in him......Everyone has faults.  And when you first see faults is when you look for more, and decide if they're a deal breaker or not.  You may have scared him off with your questions, and trying to find out if this was a long term relationship.  Now you know, it wasn't.  You need to work on your self esteem, and understand that you have to love yourself before someone else will love you.  If it's a good relationship, you don't have to question them about their intentions......they will be evident.   Maybe it's time to work on your Masters and not worry about relationships for the time being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 11:51pm

You are being naive.  You two met, there was an attraction, and most people will do or say whatever they think the other person wants to hear......in the beginning.  Then, probably as in your case, after a few months, he started thinking....."what am I doing?  I'm not ready to settle down or get married!"  It also sounds more like you asking him questions and him replying, rather than having a discussion.  Everyone, you as well as him, is on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship.  He's different than your last b/f, but that doesn't mean he's the man of your dreams, either.  If you need that kind of reassurance from a man on a regular basis, then you're needy, and men don't like needy.  The fact that he didn't return your text says that he's done, and you have to respect THAT.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 6:17pm

The thing is...I ask questions about how he feels. Just last week we discussed why he loved me and that he can see his self married to me. He was telling me he loved me out the blue again and encouraging me to go back to school to get my masters....and I was reassured that he cares and loves me. I do find it odd that he never responded to my text Friday morning or the one I sent this morning. Even if he was to text or call me now....I would just let him know that I am glad he is okay...and move forward with my life. I just don't see someone who could do this have respect for me or love for me.

Pages