update from ishmily ex wants to meet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
update from ishmily ex wants to meet
5
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:36pm
I hope you guys could help me. I wrote last week for advise on meeting for dinner with ex of three years and then he told me that he still loves me but he screwed up. We talked for three hours and he answer every question i asked. And is willing to go to couseling. But he has to get the ow out of his house. So I'm at a stand still. Well it's been a week and we haven't talked much at all. But since that incounter I have been going crazy. My head won't shut the thought of him out. I want to get back with him so bad but as we discussed I have to take it slowly. As far as I know the ow is still living with him. What I don't understand is why he can't just tell her to move out. He told me that he is afraid she will go off the deep end and he don't want to hurt her. He wants to get her out of the place we work. We all work in the same building. I am trying to keep busy, and I'm talking to other men. But i am feeling sad, depress etc. I have worked hard to get myself back to where I am only to have myself knock back down over this one conversation. Is there anything I can say or do to speed this process up. I know it is all up to him but it's driving me crazy. I truely believe he was honest but shouldn't he have gotten her out by now or am I expecting too much. He did say he has alot of sh** to shovel out. Thanks for you advises I sure can use them. I feel if we both work hard we can get through this but how long should i wait.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 12:55pm
Maybe I'm a harsh critic but, my take is that he should have broken up with his girlfriend BEFORE he had his talk with you. It strikes me that she knew nothing of you while you and he had your dinner date and maybe still does not. She was, and maybe still is, his 'soft place to land' if you reject him.

"What I don't understand is why he can't just tell her to move out." I don't understand that either. If he truly wants to pursue a relationship with you, why is she still there? "He told me that he is afraid she will go off the deep end and he don't want to hurt her" So she has no idea? And here's an irony I'll never get over. People who don't love their SO and have turned their attention elsewhere but, still think that leaving the SO, so they can find someone who does love them, is going to hurt them? This guy thinks that he's so wonderful that she's going to hurt less staying with him, who claims to want only you, than if she were to be set free to find someone who does want her. Now that is pretty egotistical. And what about you? Apparently, he does not mind tangling you up in this mess and having you sit and wait while he allegedly finds someway to kick her out with out hurting her or having her go off the deep end? Doesn't show much respect for your feelings, IMO.

You realize, at this moment, he's got you set up as the ow in his relationship with her, don't you? This 'bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' attitude doesn't say much about his character.

Why did you two split in the first place? He screwed up? (Two-timing maybe?) Personally, I've never experienced, or even heard of, a 're-try' relationship making it in the long haul. There are reasons we break up and move on. IMO, if it was meant to be, you'd have stayed together in the first place.

This may be just a case of you being the grass that looks greener from where he sits. I would not condsider him a viable option for a future until he is cleanly away from her. What a tangled, dysfunctional mess you'll be in if you let yourself get involved in this potentially messy break up. I'd carry on as though the talk had not occured unless he shows up COMPLETELY SINGLE AND AVAILABLE and then I'd open my eyes very, very wide and take it really, really, really really (did I say really?) SLOW!

Know your worth and keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:00pm
ITA with brown_eyed_susan


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:01pm
I totally agree with the previous poster. If he wants to be with you he WILL tell her to leave. Just go about your life date and if and when he is ready see if you are still willing. I personally would not go back with him if he doesn't get rid of her FAST. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:41pm
Thanks to everyone who apply. Susan you are right. If he really wants me he would end it with her. Today he came up and said he spent the whole weekend thinking. His ex wife said some more things and now he is confuse. What really happen is that he hasn't been doing well at work so they put him back on production floor. I am getting tire of getting upset when I see him. I am going to do my best to get him out of my life. I deserve so much better. It won't be easy but I have to do it. I am going to start dating. The reason we broke up in the first place is that he had these girls coming on to him and he went their way. He said he never had women chase him before. Oh well he made his bed so now he has to lay in it. I just wish i could wake up and not have any feelings for him. I will get through this some how. He isn't trying to work on us at all. it's all about him and now is not the time. I hope I am doing the right thing. And I hope I can love again someday. Thanks again you helped me a great deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:03pm
I htink the thing people need to realize with the "re-try" relationship is that IF it will work (and thats a BIG HUGE IF) then you cannot re-try the same relationship, it woudl have to be COMPLETELY different, and the two people involved would have to be completely different. The reasons for the initial breakup would have to be LONG gone and you would have to stat from scratch, knowing that past problems have been dealt with. Thats the hard part because a lot of personal growth and maturity woudl have to have happened during your time apart.

I think many people want to get back together beacuse it is safe, you know what to expect and its comfortable. But thats a huge trap, because along with the comfort and security of the past relationship comes the problems. You can enjoy the "honeymoon" once again, but we all know what comes after that.I have an ex who did this with most of his serious past GFs and now he is so used to always feeling that 'honeymoon' feeling that he expects it to last forever in a 'healthy' relaitonship.

It sounds like your ex really needs to be by himself for a while and figure tihngs out. Only after a lot of time will he ever be able to know what step to take next. People who go from one relationship to the next, avoid dealing with the past and that can lead to repeat problems.