Update: My Rapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Update: My Rapist
8
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 11:31am

Ok, so I finally got my husband to listen to me about my concerns and what does he do? He admits that my rapist contacted their mutual friend as soon as he saw they were speaking to one another on FB. I asked him why he didn't tell me that information sooner so that I would have known my instincts were correct. His response? "I didn't think that much about it." That did it. I started crying and when I started I couldn't stop.My spirit just felt as though it had been snapped in half. I hate those tears, the ones that feel wrenched from your very soul as though they are the last thing you have to hold on to & you don't want to let that go.

I literally cried for 3 hours straight. When I was done my husband says to me, "I'm sorry but I couldn't have known this would happen. You need to get over this." My response to him was, "I've spent well over a decade 'getting over it' well enough to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 10:28am

"While no abuse is "worse" than another"

This is armchair therapy and it isn't true. Not all abuse is equal. An aggravated rape is not only violating, the victim is left to fear for her physical safety.

It would be great if the husband found a therapist. But to focus on the fact that he himself is a victim is to take focus away from the FACT that he is victimizing his wife by inviting the person who raped her back into her life. I do not think that she will be able to convince him to end his relationship with the mutual friend. I agree, campaigning to get her husband to end that friendship would be futile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 9:52am

Hearing that the husband was also abused by his brother changes my perspective. Sadly, it sounds as though, unlike the OP, has not dealt with accepting the abuse, and his "lack of support" for his wife stems from his own denial. While no abuse is "worse" than another, being abused by someone with whom one is closely related does add to the emotional turmoil.

Perhaps, in this situation, the best way to get support is through giving it by acknowledging that the husband is also a victim and that his dismissive attitude may likely stem from the pain and shame that he is afraid to confront.

While the OP's fears are totally reasonable and she is completely justified in wanting no association with her abuser, until her husband is willing to accept and work to defeat his own demons, any "resolution" would only be a bandaid. Until he heals from his own wounds, he is incapable of being empathetic. With that in mind, I would suggest that instead of "campaigning" (for lack of a better word) for him to end his relationship with the mutual, she focus on encouraging her husband to get therapy for himself.

If he refuses, then it's up to the OP do what she needs to do to protect herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2002
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 9:16pm

I'm so sorry that your husband hasn't had the cloud lift from his mind and heart, and that he continues to be unsupported.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 4:33pm
undercovercrab wrote:

Fissatore, now that you mention it, if I remember correctly from an earlier post, the husband in question WAS molested, and by the same person... You'd think he would be more sensitive, if not protective or sympathetic, but he has to be a really twisted person to have some idea of the betrayal and violation that his wife went through, and to turn around and tell her to "get over it". I'm sure that his experience was not as bad as hers. But his response to her, after everything that happened to them both, is absolutely demented.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 1:34pm

Fissatore, now that you mention it, if I remember correctly from an earlier post, the husband in question WAS molested, and by the same person... You'd think he would be more sensitive, if not protective or sympathetic, but he has to be a really twisted person to have some idea of the betrayal and violation that his wife went through, and to turn around and tell her to "get over it". I'm sure that his experience was not as bad as hers. But his response to her, after everything that happened to them both, is absolutely demented.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 1:07pm

His response is typical for a male....."just get over it".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:31pm

I'm so, so sorry he responded this way. He is trying to tell you "I didn't think about it and it's not a big deal" but he knows it's a big deal to you.

The bottom line is that he doesn't care.

I hope that you will talk to a divorce lawyer.

This marriage isn't worth your personal safety. No relationship is. I do not think that your husband will be doing what you want/need him to do. He's flying solo and leaving you out in the open. He is a sick person. You will not be getting any help from him, I'm sorry to say. I think you should stop trying to reason with someone who is this twisted, and start making plans to protect yourself. The more you try to get through to him, the more it hurts. He cannot be reasoned with, and he doesn't care about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 11:52am
It's certainly not unreasonable, but his behavior so far indicates that he won't do it. I am really sorry you are having to go through this.