UPDATE ON TRYING .....
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| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:21am |
Well, my husband and I did agree on a seperation and that in the long run, time away will help. He would get help for the drinking, anger and depression. Which he just finished his fourth session. Last Thursday night after he come home from his meeting (10:00-work related) he wanted to sit up and talk about our future. We were up until 1:00am. He said that he wants another chance, he would never drink again (he was drunk at the time) and he will get over the anger, hurt and mistrust within time. He kept saying "one more time". Friday night after I got home from work and settled the kids in - we went out for dinner. Husband wanted to enjoy a great meal and to talk some more. No problem. I've been waiting three long years for him to share "his feelings" with me !! We managed to get a table in the corner (a small corner room) and he cried the whole time ! This also took place on Sunday.
He realized that the three last years we grew far apart and that a really thin thread is holding things together. He is now afraid of losing me and because of the "punishments and unforgiveness and emotional drama" that was aserted in my direction, caused a lot of damage. To be honest-IT DID !! So did my lying and secrets !! Since the incident in November with the kids, I have slowly shut myself off from him - emotionally and physically. He started seeing that side of me this past Thursday. He stated that he understands if I still want to seperate and that the "damage" that I caused in the relationship and the consequences that I received are part of the package at this point.
He wants me to give him another chance. The last marriage counselor we saw for almost 1 year and before that there was another for 3 months and before that another for 1 year. We both agreed in October that we got what we could out of the "marriage counselor" thing.
I feel that since we're at the "11th hour" of our marriage - he might be doing this to "pacify" things ?? I saw a lawyer on Monday but no papers have been filed at this point. (He is aware of that fact) After work tonight, he said that he's gong out of town for 7 weeks, starting next week.(home on weekends) I feel he accepted this offer, so the process and initial proceedings will buy him time.
He does often make the statment that the kids are what's keeping us together and he's afraid of being a "failure" in our sons eyes ( he's 8, daughters are 12 and 14) He wants to eventually move away and that the kids would be better off with me ... WHY would he want to leave the kids and only see them when it's ok with him ???? He knows I am "tired" and had enough. WE agreed that fighting will not accomplish anything.
I am sorry if at points this post just rattles on .... I just have so much to share and await your thoughts...
THANK YOU :)

here is the link to your original post http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=16466.1
I posted to you on the other thread about this. It sounds like much has happened since that last post from you in December.
You said, "...He stated that he understands if I still want to seperate and that the "damage" that I caused in the relationship and the consequences that I received are part of the package at this point..." Well, you may have done some things wrong (the overspending and that), but you admitted to it and have been working through it, but he still won't let it go from this statement. Boy do I know that feeling!
It's like he's still tying to punish you and blame you for the marriage going bad, that if you hadn't done those things, then the marriage would be fine - baloney! He wants to place all of the blame on you, yet part of the failing marriage is his blame also! He wants you to give him another chance, but what about him finally letting that go towards you?! He can't do it!!! It has become, to him, a scapegoat for all of your problems together - how sad for him that he can't take responsibility for his part in this situation.
You said, "...After work tonight, he said that he's going out of town for 7 weeks, starting next week.(home on weekends) I feel he accepted this offer, so the process and initial proceedings will buy him time..." I think you are right about his reasoning for accepting this 7 week thing. But I don't think you are fooled by his tactics anymore and I sense that you *are* ready to move on.
You said, "...He wants to eventually move away and that the kids would be better off with me ... WHY would he want to leave the kids and only see them when it's ok with him ????..." This may be another tactic for him to make you feel bad about the kids not being raised with the two of you together so that you'll feel bad enough to stay with him and not leave him. He will probably try to pull out anything he can at this point to keep you from leaving, so be prepared - the guilt tactics, the crying, the stalling, the desperation. I don't think he means the above in quotes, as he said it at all - but is what I suggested, just a tactic.
I think rather than it being a failure in the kids' eyes of him if you two split up, it would be more of a failure to keep up a facade of a marriage if you are both really unhappy and it isn't working, as the children know and sense way more than we ever give them credit for!
You made it through the holidays and now have the new year ahead of you. I hope that you will do what you know in your heart is the best thing for yourself and your children. Children are so adaptable and will grow with your love and acceptance of them always. Keep us posted and good luck.
Sherri