Update:Should I Stay or Should I Go-long

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Update:Should I Stay or Should I Go-long
4
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 3:38pm
Another update (from my original)...December to mid Jan had been sheer hell. My husband had severe mood swings 3 to 4 times a day, every day. He constantly wanted to rehash our problems, the past, the friend, etc. We went back to our counselor individually b/c I was SO ready to walk out! She told him he needed to get his emotions under control and that he was pretty much acting at a 13-year old emotional level. During mine, I vented and realized I was not just hurt, but extremely angry with him. So then he did a COMPLETE 180 and became overly attentive...cards, flowers, rose petals on the bed, bubble baths, phone calls at work...every day! It felt like so much pressure.

Plus, he was constantly saying things like "I can't blame you if you don't fall in love with me again," "Maybe you'd be happier with (friend), and I should be an *%!hole so that you can leave me and your conscience will be clear," and "When you find that right guy for you, promise me you'll invite me to the wedding," and "I was such a horrible husband, no wonder you fell out of love with me." And so on and so on and so on. Then we had a couples counseling session, and the counselor said to him "You need to stop that sh%#!" I told him I felt that I was moving farther and farther away from him b/c I don't know who the real him is. That was the husband who desperately wanted to hold onto the marriage, not the husband himself. (I don't even know who that person is anymore, and not sure if he does, either.) And it felt more like desperation than love on his part.

A large part of me wanted (and wants) to just walk away and start over. It feels like if I did, I would be free...free is the word that keeps coming to mind. The counselor thinks I should give him more time to stabilize...and he has been ok for the last 2 weeks...but how much time do I give him? And how many times can I stick my heart out just to have it crushed? My husband is a wonderful person with lots of great qualities, and is still my best friend, but so much of me wants to leave...I am probably 1/2 to 3/4 of the way there. But I still feel it would be unfair to my husband to not stay. We really do have a good time when we go out (which is not very often, due to our work schedules and his school schedule), but it feels like when I go out with my friends. He is even saying that he is starting to look at me more like a friend than a wife, and it's scaring him. He is so hopeful that we will stay together and start a family and be happy...but I still don't feel any sparks. We hadn't made love in weeks, and when we finally did, it wasn't satisfying. It hasn't been for a few years.

The problem I am having now is that I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life...but is the biggest mistake leaving him or staying with him?

Sorry for the length of this message...too much has been going on lately. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening (still)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 5:31pm
'The counselor thinks I should give him more time to stabilize...'

Is he on medication? If not how would he get to the stabilization point?

He sounds really intense, almost manic. I don't blame you for wanting to walk away.

'I would be free...free is the word that keeps coming to mind. .. And how many times can I stick my heart out just to have it crushed? .... but so much of me wants to leave...I am probably 1/2 to 3/4 of the way there.'

What about separating for a while. You can see what it is like to live on your own and if the freedom really feels right and he can get further help and work on himself without you around to put pressure on.


'But I still feel it would be unfair to my husband to not stay. We really do have a good time when we go out'

I am not sure 'going out' is a good reason to stay considering he is like a friend who you don't have satisfying sex with and dream about leaving.









iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 9:00am

Is he on medication? If not how would he get to the stabilization point?

If I remember the original post on this thread this started with her telling him that she wanted one of their friends sexually and that she was not certain about this marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:37pm

i am joining the other posters in wonderng whether he is on meds?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:22pm
Yes, he has been on meds (we both have) for about a year now. And my hubby is not clinically depressed...he was possibly dysthymic, but the meds stabilized it. He basically needed to learn to deal with his emotions rather than either a) bottle them up or b) let them control him. Meds have been helping me, too, but I have to take more than he does...mine has been going on for years longer and I guess was more severe.

Anyway, I know we are both to blame for how this relationship has gone downhill, and how we didn't realize it until very late. And no, I don't feel I am "better" than him...although I do feel that we both deserved better than the "six weeks of hell" he put us through. I know that the responsibility for the relationship now rests with me because he is more than willing to give it his best shot. And, again, that is why I am having such difficulty right now. I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life, but is the mistake staying or is it leaving? I know I am the only one who can try to answer that, but it is an extremely tough question. Our counselor helped us set a timeline today, and I guess that's a good thing because you're right, this isn't fair to either of us.

Thanks for all your input...I have a lot more to digest now.

Mel