Using me or falling for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Using me or falling for me?
3
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:16pm
Here's the deal. I've been sleeping with this guy for about 3 months now. We're best friends and we talk constantly. He's definitely anti-committment and when things started between the two of us, I was just going with things because it was so convenient. Eventually though, I caught feelings. When bringing these feelings to his attention, he felt we shouldn't sleep together anymore because of the fact that he doesn't have committment type feelings for me and he doesn't want me to get confused or hurt. That whole idea lasted about 3 days. Now, we're back to normal, texting all day long, spending weekends together and once again, sleeping together. Before I brought my feelings to his attention, I realized he did and said a lot of things that didn't coincide with what you do when you're just sleeping with someone. I figured it would stop based on the fact that it was sending me mixed signals. Now that we attempted to change things and failed, he's even sweeter with the things that he says. I'm 21 and he's 29, so I feel kind of naive for taking things seriously. I also know that he pulls a lot of females and that he is used to a variety of ladies. Now though, I don't really see time for him to spend with other chics and what not because we're constantly talking all day long. I'm lost and I need to know if I should cut it loose or what?!? Does the boy like me? Is it normal for someone you're "just sleeping with" to call you at 3am when they're in Manhattan partying to say hi and check on what I'm doing? I am falling hard and I don't know what to do!!!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:28pm
He's not "using you", because you have agreed to the conditions (sex without commitment).

Yes, a guy who just wanted to have a casual r'ship without commitment would call you at 3 AM.

Just because he treats you nicely, does NOT mean he wants a commitment. A guy can "like" you just fine, but still not want a commitment.

He backtracked for a couple days because he realized that you want more, but since he knows that he has clearly told you that he does NOT want a commitment, he figures you're an adult and can decide for yourself whether you can handle it, so he's not going to turn down the opportunity to continue to sleep with you. If that's not what you want, then it's up to YOU to end it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:29pm
Okay - at first it was just sex with someone that is a casual acquaintence.

You decided you wanted more in terms of exclusivity and emotional attachment, he declined saying he didn't want that and didn't want you to get hurt....maybe you two should stop having sex (aka - stop talking, emailing, iming, having sex)

Now you're back to hanging out, hooking up, phoning and messaging and you're wondering "what does this mean"?

It means that you told him "I want more"...he said "I don't"...and the bal is now in your court.

You now KNOW he does not want commitment and obligation, that he doesn't have an emotional investment in you as a more than someone to hang out and hook up with. His reasoning is "if you're still hanging out and hooking up - your feelings are now your responsibility and problem."

He figures if you really were "wanting a relationship" upon finding out he didn't - you would refuse to sleep with, and hang out with him...that you'd find someone that wants what you want.

Instead, you've continued to give him what he wants....because you want to.

So now......he's just phoning at 3am to find out if you're up and ready for some action....do't be too surprised if your party boy at some point doesn't bring over another 21 year old for a 3-some.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:38pm
I went through the same thing last year. I was 22 and he was 31. He kept saying that he didn't want a relationship and things were going too fast for him, but he was the one that keep me everyday and inviting me over to his house everyday. We even talked and said we weren't going to sleep together anymore, but later that same night he called and wanted me to come over to his house and we ended up sleeping together. He also had been through alot of women. And I thought it was going to be different with me especially since he actions were alot different than what he was saying. But I fell too hard too quickly and got left in the dust when I went out of town for Christmas ( like 1 1/2 days) and when I got back he was back together with his ex girlfriend.

My advice is to stop sleeping together until he says that he wants to be committed to you. Or I am worried you will end up just like I did and it took me a long time to get over him.