Utterly confused, baffled and in dismay
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| Sat, 09-25-2004 - 6:25pm |
I'll avoid laying out the details of my relationship, since it is lengthy, complicated, and probably quite disturbing. I'll just focus on what's really bothering me right now.
I'm in a "new" relationship with this guy. We've been together a little over 4 months. The first two months were wonderful, i felt desired, important and really deep feelings for him started to sprout from within my heart.
But then, some complications arose (which, i'll just have to omit for now), leading to me feeling very neglected, used and unwanted. A few weeks ago we had a really big blow-up between the two of us, to the point that he was questioning his feelings about me and i was ready to throw in the towel and just walk away because i couldn't stand to be hurt so much anymore.
However, after much heartache, we talked, and worked things out. He made it known to me that after thinking about things, his feelings for me hasn't changed and he still very much wants this to work between us. I still feel for him very deeply, thus, i decided to not walk away, and keep on working on the relationship as well.
What bothers me is this: I sometimes doubt that he means what he says (that he misses me, that i'm important to him, that he really wants to be with me etc etc), and i hate this feeling of doubt. I want to trust in him fully, but i sometimes doubt because in the past two months, i'm the one who usually calls him up whereas in the first two months of our relationship, he would be the one calling almost everyday, eager to talk to me. I send him emails, little notes and cards on a very frequent basis to let him know how much i'm thinking of him, missing him, how much he means to me etc etc, but he rarely replies to any of those mails (when he does i'm ecstatic ... *wry grin*), nor does he send cards and very rarely little notes. It feels like i have to keep on "reminding" him to remind me that i matter to him, and i hate doing that. Then everything feels "forced" or "stage" ... does that make sense?
When i don't hear from him, it feels like he really doesn't care, and i'm the only trying without him reciprocating. But when i actually get him on the line, or am spending time with him, talking to him, etc, then it feels like he's the sweetest, most wonderful, most sincere person in the whole wide world. And then i would feel like i'm the most rotten person in the whole wide world for even thinking of remotely doubting him in anyway.
Does any of this make sense at all?????? I don't want to appear a desparate or clingy person, trying to get his attention all the time. But i don't like the fact that he doesn't call or write to me when he CAN. I don't feel like he's showing me that he cares. I feel like he's taking my feelings towards him for granted, or maybe he just doesn't care that much anyways. And yet, i'm wondering if it's just me or if he really doesn't care ... ARGH. I'm so confused :( My head hurts.
I would really appreciate any sort of thought or opinion on this whole mess in my head. It bothers me to no end. :( :( :(

Pianoguy thinks that you're expecting your b/f to respond to you---with the exact same intensity that you're responding to him? Only problem is....HE'S A MAN....and we don't behave the way women expect us to. Okay...maybe some of us are "rebelling against our Mom", but this the reason why some of our terrific ivillage ladies have 'issues' with the male sex in general!
What you should ask yourself is...AM I REALLY HAPPY WITH THIS GUY? If you have doubts about his honesty or sincerity, perhaps it's because he's giving you mixed signals? Then again...he might have had enough? The 'newness' of any relationship starts to fizzle after a few months....so maybe you need to talk to him?
Pianoguy is puzzled by those "complications" you alluded to earlier? It's hard for many of us to toss out a thought or opinion---when you reference a type of behavior or action, but don't explain it.
Pianoguy