Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place
14
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 12:05pm

NEVER MIND. What rude people. Don't bash someone when they are only trying to vent...

Thank you to those who were more open-minded.

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 4:45pm

 Hi Arby:

    I think I can shed some light on this. 

The first problem you wrote about.

      " Yesterday I had a bad work day. I started talking to him about it. Eventually it turned around to me not knowing when to hold my tongue, or not knowing how to say stuff"

    Men are socialized to "fix" things.  So his was a normal reaction.  You may have wanted an ear. To vent. His reaction is from being male.  Women do not converse in the same style.  He thinks you are coming to him for critical assesment of a problem where he must come up with solutions.

   The flowers issue has been well addressed in other's posts.

  "I was fine, and he should have been fine. Then all of a sudden he starts nailing into me because apparently i-once again- said something he didnt like - i have no idea what that was - so we both went to bed angry."

     This left me confused.  How was it fine? 

 "And I can't even talk to him about it because he will get upset and tell me that he "never ever does anything right. And I am never happy with anything that he does, and why does he bother" and how he is such a stupid, horrible person, and have a hissy-fit. Maybe he isn't, or maybe I'm not, but it's hard  not being able to just say how I am feeling and what I want without him being so defensive."

     Because HE feels like he is being attacked!


" But as far as "flowers and women" are concerned, there is TONS out there about what "women want and expect" and, i'm sorry - any "research" you read about women, stereotypically, states that : 1) women LOVE flowers and 2) women LOVE being surprised by flowers at WORK. So how is it my fault for being upset with him for not thinking about this and actually WANTING to do it for me? "

      You mean you wanted to show off at work!  No that is not true; many women do not want their life put out on the street.   Remember when reading magazines about this there is  a financial motivation for those articles: A. advertising revenue, B. circulation is the way ads are priced.

         It is clear that the nice gestures by both parties are misunderstood and fail to meet expectations.

    What you do have is a deep communication and expectation disconnect.   Counseling for communication issues may be the best.   It is clear that the disconnect is deep. 

http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-valentines-day-000000989.html

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 4:40pm

I think Empowerment was right.  No, there is no way that you can tell your DH that he didn't measure up because he bought you flowers at home and not at work w/o making him feel that "everything he does is wrong."  Imagine if you spent time picking out whatever gift for him that you chose and then after you gave it to him, he said that wasn't really what he wanted, you should have gotten something else--how would you feel? 

I can tell you that I was married for 13 yrs to my 1st DH and I doubt he ever got me flowers on V-Day--knowing him, he probably waited til the day after to get the candy 1/2 price.  Same w/ 2nd DH--I would have been thrilled to get any kind of flowers.  He used to send me flowers at work before we were married and I think it was more about making him look good, although I did like it a lot.  Once we got married, I never got flowers.  I told him I would have been happy w/ a $5 bunch that you get from the grocery store.

so stop complaining about nothing.  If you have a problem with depression, go and get some treatment for it.  And maybe the infertility is what's getting you upset and you are really just on edge so you are unhappy about everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 3:44pm

Is it possible your DH did do some research and found that women like receiving flowers personally handed to them by their DH and not by some random delivery person? Is it possible he didn’t want to leave the delivery of the flowers to chance and a possible oversight by the delivery person or the florist on the busiest day for flower deliveries? Is it possible he tried to set up for delivery to your job on V-Day but the florist was already overbooked on that day? I seems you are jumping to the conclusion that he did little. Can you know what he did or how much consideration he put into getting your flowers? Is it fair to him or to you to conclude that he did little?

You wrote:

<<How do you tell your DH that sometimes his gestures fall a little short of what you would have hoped for?>>

Being in a R means you work hard to make sure you are communicating your needs but not at the expense of hurting the other person or with little consideration for their feelings.

You could try saying something to him like” “The flowers you brought me are beautiful. I was thinking all day at work I wished I had them there at work to admire all day! I wish I could say to everyone who passed by my desk, ‘Look at the beautiful arrangement my DH picked out for me!’ It’s so beautiful I want to tell and show everyone what you got for me! Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers. You really made my day!”

That way you are still thanking him and showing appreciation but still giving hints flowers at work would be nice too!

Whatever you do or however you plan on handling it. Please keep in mind—somewhere a wife didn’t received anything from her DH for V-day. Somewhere a spouse was away from home due to their job and couldn’t even see their spouse on V-day. Somewhere someone received some life changing news about their declining health and flowers are not what they are wishing for. They are probably wishing for more time to do the important things with those they love with the limited time they have left. Somewhere it is a wife’s first V-day since her spouse passed away and she would give anything to say she loves him one more time in person. Somewhere someone has never had anyone be their Valentine and would give anything to have flowers given to them at home.

Today you might not have everything you want the way you want it but somewhere someone would give anything to have what you have.  V-day passes and flowers wilt. We can all waste a lot of time looking to receive the perfect gift under the conditions we would like to receive it or we can use our time to cherish and appreciate all that we have flaws and all. It’s all about perspective and how you choose to look at it.

Also, it might be worth googling “The 5 Love Languages,” it’s possible your love language is acts of service and his might be gifting. Acts of service focus more on the how things are done (which is what seems more important to you) and gifts focus on what is given like the flowers themselves. If the “how” is more important to you and the “what” is more important to him, you will have continual disagreements. Neither of you will not be able to fully understand why or how to communicate/explain your POV to the other especially if each of you is communicating in the wrong love language to the other.

Hope you choose to enjoy your flowers,

E1

 

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 2:20pm

arbylee7 wrote:
<p>Last night, DH and I had a fight. I've been down lately - near depression - but my husband doesn't think that, even though I may "look" fine days later, that I am still dealing with issues and he needs to be more patient with me. Yesterday I had a bad work day. I started talking to him about it. Eventually it turned around to me not knowing when to hold my tongue, or not knowing how to say stuff. I went upstairs for the rest of the night but then came back down to make his lunch.</p><p>I was fine, and he should have been fine. Then all of a sudden he starts nailing into me because apparently i-once again- said something he didnt like - i have no idea what that was - so we both went to bed angry. </p><p>I'm still upset and this morning was even worse. He bought me roses for V-day and I know he didn't feel like giving them to me, and i didn't feel like receiving them either. What was supposed to be a nice gesture, turned into an awkward moment. He basically was like "here's some flowers" barely any kiss and then left.</p><p>I started crying after he left for work, while I'm trying to get ready for work. What's hard is he won't be home until late tonight either so i cant even talk to him and have to suffer all day.</p><p>I am just very confused. I love him, and receiving flowers with a note saying he loves me, was very hard because at that moment, i am really thinking "is this what i want? Do I still want to be with him if we can't even celebrate our love on Valentine's Day without fighting!" And we have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, we are infertile i guess, but every month i am upset i didn't get pregnant, then when we fight, i thank god i didn't get pregnant! This can't continue, and i really don't know what to do.</p><p>and, here's what really makes me feel like a horrible person - last week, I expected he would plan for us to go out but found out he didn't even think about it, so an argument started "why should i do it?" etc. I had already spent time picking out his V day present and got it a month in advance. I noticed yesterday he had a note on the door telling the delivery guy to leave it on the back porch. So i figured he bought me a V-day present.</p><p>That's great and all, but here's the thing: he bought roses - nice right? They are very nice. And I know he used a Groupon to buy them cheaper - i don't mind that - but i also know that they charge huge delivery fees, which is why I never buy flowers online - and my husband does NOT believe in paying to have anything delivered! So was he not thinking that he would get charged and then decided to just do it anyway? And he had enough time after work to pick some up, so why get them delivered? So... okay, if he finally broke down to get something delivered, fine.</p><p>But he paid to have flowers delivered to THE HOUSE, in secret, the DAY BEFORE Valentine's Day?????!!</p><p>What a waste on delivery fees. AND... he does give me flowers every year, so if he was paying for delivery, why didn't he take that EXTRA step to have them delivered to me at work - now THAT would have been a huge surprise!</p><p>So it just makes me wonder why he didn't even think about that? Sure he is thinking about me by getting me flowers, but he does that every year - but it is such a bigger, thoughtful gesture by doing it differently this year so i don't expect it as usual? I think women love getting flowers delivered to them at work- NOT at their house! I can buy my own flowers for the house, ya know.</p><p>I know a lot of women would understand this. My DH never has anything delivered and this would have been a HUGE surprise for me.</p><p>Why pay for the delivery but don't actually get them delivered to the person!?</p><p>I know I should be happy he even got me flowers, but then again, it just makes me think he got them just because he "had" to. So all he was thinking about was getting them - not "how" to do it so it is romantic.</p><p>Who buys flowers for their wife and has them delivered to the house - I wasn't even there to receive them!! What was the point? He didn't want to bother going out and getting them for me? Now he just ordered them like anything else. Where's the romance in that?</p><p>And I can't even talk to him about it because he will get upset and tell me that he "never ever does anything right. And I am never happy with anything that he does, and why does he bother" and how he is such a stupid, horrible person, and have a hissy-fit. Maybe he isn't, or maybe I'm not, but it's hard  not being able to just say how I am feeling and what I want without him being so defensive.</p><p>But as far as "flowers and women" are concerned, there is TONS out there about what "women want and expect" and, i'm sorry - any "research" you read about women, stereotypically, states that : 1) women LOVE flowers and 2) women LOVE being surprised by flowers at WORK. So how is it my fault for being upset with him for not thinking about this and actually WANTING to do it for me?</p><p>AND... there have been several times in our relationship where I mentioned it would be nice to have that done for me, and i get a "someday I will". WELL... he had the perfect opportunity to do it, and he didn't!</p><p>How do you tell your DH that sometimes his gestures fall a little short of what you would have hoped for? I know there are men out there who do take those extra steps and go over-and-above -- somedays i just WISH my DH would be more like that, instead of just being "slightly better" than the average guy in the "thoughtfulness" category. He does thoughtful things, but there are things I wish he would do more. Like, scrape the snow off my car in the winter ON VALENTINE'S DAY!</p><p>Sure I'm quite capable of doing it myself, and because women are supposed to be equal and all, men now aren't as chivalrous as they used to be. Well, i'm sorry - i want chivalry sometimes! <img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-cry.gif" alt="Cry" title="Cry" border="0" /></p>

Oh boy !

Its tough being your husband.

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