Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place
14
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 12:05pm

NEVER MIND. What rude people. Don't bash someone when they are only trying to vent...

Thank you to those who were more open-minded.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 02-22-2013 - 2:11pm

It does not sound like a good situation, to be trying to get pregnant and every month you are fighting and you question why you are trying and taking the fertility drugs. I think you should be more sure about someone you trying to get pregnant with. Overall you should be happy with your SO. Are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 5:35pm
If you read my post you would have realized that i CLEARLY stated that i felt horrible for thinking that way AND there was nothing in the post that stated that I TOLD HIM of my "disapproval" of it on V-day. In fact, I haven't said anything to him about it BECAUSE I know it was still thoughtful. I was only questioning it because this isn't the first time I mentioned I would like to have something a certain way, and he didn't remember. The point was that I wish I had someone who would remember those things BECAUSE that's what I do and that's what I think really makes me see that he listens, and appreciates, me. I CLEARLY wrote I appreciated him, but was disappointed. The post was about how we had a fight the night before V-day and how horrible V-day was for me (regardless of the flower incident). I will be sure to put RANT in my titles from now on - thank you for that advice :) btw- we had a long talk about our lack of proper communication, and we are trying to work on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 5:31pm
Kendahke1, It wasn't a "dirty delete" - several posters included my complete post in their reply so it wasn't necessary for me to keep my original when I was adamant about my disappointment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 5:30pm
Hey, I deleted my post because another replier copied the whole thing in their reply and i wanted my last msg to stand out, instead of being #10 on this posting. I appreciate advice, but I don't like when people speculate - i gave facts to which others went beyond what was intended. Other than that, you are correct in that others probably read my post and responded negatively because of their own issues -- which is what I pointed out in my 2nd post. :) I'll try not to rant so much in future posts.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 10:12am

arbylee7 wrote:
<p>NEVER MIND. What rude people. Don't bash someone when they are only trying to vent...</p><p>Thank you to those who were more open-minded.</p>

In the future, if you're only venting, make that obvious in your first sentence. Otherwise, since this is an advice site and not a vent site or your person blog, people will think you're looking for advice. And since you did ask a myriad of questions of strangers and not your bff's, then it stands to reason that you're going to get responses that are not going to validate you.

The one thing you do not appear to have a grasp of is the fact that one does not get to dictate how a gift is given to them--you're confusing gifts with obligations.  How you choose to do your gift giving is non sequitur to how your husband goes about giving gifts, so stop comparing how abysmally he falls short of the mark compared to you. 

What is abundantly clear in your post is that you and your husband have a severe communication problem--that you either do not express what you want or you express it when it's too late to change course and it manifests as an attack.  Yesterday was not the day to unleash your wrath on your husband about how the dang flowers got to your door... yesterday was the day to say "oh, thank you sweetie!! I love you so much!!!"  Today, tomorrow or the next 363 days are when you have a calm, non confrontational, non combative chat with him about what you like, how you like it delivered, where you like it delivered, blah blah blah.  Then you let it go--you don't sit and wait with your scorecard out for when he falls short of the mark.

I think that you owe your husband a really heartfelt apology. Perhaps some sessions with a therapist to address your frustrations and to learn how to communicate what you need without turning your marriage into a constant war zone.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 9:49am

Thank you, Cherry2009 for quoting that whole post. I do this, too, when I can because of dirty deletes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 10:00pm

It's unfortunate you deleted your original post - others likely would have chimed in with good feedback.  I've been posting here a long time and have heard every type of feedback out there, and like you, not all of it felt so great.  But for the most part you're hearing from people who've been having troubles in their relationship, and most of them have a lot of solid info to listen to.  But you often don't hear what you expected or wanted to hear, you often hear what those of us who've been hurt think might be helpful instead.  When I'd re-visit responses another time, they "felt" quite different and I realized I was having a very emotional or miserable day when I asked for help.  Many here are pretty blunt and don't care to chit chat, they prefer to just let you know what needs to be said.  If you tried another board, maybe someone might respond with something you'd find more helpful.  It's a good bunch here, the regulars are not rude, they've just "been there" and don't pull any punches and have learned thru our own experiences what helped....and what didn't. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 6:37pm

Arbylee, I'm wondering if you're taking fertility hormones.   It's just that hormone changes can send one a bit crazy - and I'm trying to understand what's behind you being so unreasonable about the flowers.   It was a kind gesture which you've turned crazy over.

Also, are you getting treated for the depression?  Are you taking meds?   I struggle with depression myself and I know how low it can feel.  But I can also tell you that it's not fair to inflict our untreated depressive self on our partner.   If you're not getting treated, do it ASAP

Lastly, when you told him what went wrong at work, it's clear that he was trying to help with advice on how you could approach the issues differently.  It's a shame you took offense instead of talking about different approaches which you could utilise.    When you get yourself balanced again, you may find that your husband can actually help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 4:53pm

Uhmmm.....what else is really going on?  It really doesn't make much difference HOW flowers end up in your hands, does it?  If so, why?  The guy went to the trouble to try to make Valentine's Day more special by getting you some flowers and leaving you an "I love you" note, so let it go HOW you ended up with the flowers.  This is not about flowers or how you got them, it's about something else.  I have no doubt others are going to say the same thing.  Have any idea how many guys blow off VD altogether?  Hopefully, not too many, but I've known some.  What did YOU do to make the day special?  It doesn't take much, I baked my DH some oatmeal cookies last night, his favorite.  He brought home a bouquet of flowers.  I think you need to step back and figure out what's really bugging you. 

 

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