Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place
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Valentine's Day and I'm in a bad place
| Thu, 02-14-2013 - 12:05pm |
NEVER MIND. What rude people. Don't bash someone when they are only trying to vent...
Thank you to those who were more open-minded.
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Oh boy !
Its tough being your husband.
Is it possible your DH did do some research and found that women like receiving flowers personally handed to them by their DH and not by some random delivery person? Is it possible he didn’t want to leave the delivery of the flowers to chance and a possible oversight by the delivery person or the florist on the busiest day for flower deliveries? Is it possible he tried to set up for delivery to your job on V-Day but the florist was already overbooked on that day? I seems you are jumping to the conclusion that he did little. Can you know what he did or how much consideration he put into getting your flowers? Is it fair to him or to you to conclude that he did little?
You wrote:
<<How do you tell your DH that sometimes his gestures fall a little short of what you would have hoped for?>>
Being in a R means you work hard to make sure you are communicating your needs but not at the expense of hurting the other person or with little consideration for their feelings.
You could try saying something to him like” “The flowers you brought me are beautiful. I was thinking all day at work I wished I had them there at work to admire all day! I wish I could say to everyone who passed by my desk, ‘Look at the beautiful arrangement my DH picked out for me!’ It’s so beautiful I want to tell and show everyone what you got for me! Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers. You really made my day!”
That way you are still thanking him and showing appreciation but still giving hints flowers at work would be nice too!
Whatever you do or however you plan on handling it. Please keep in mind—somewhere a wife didn’t received anything from her DH for V-day. Somewhere a spouse was away from home due to their job and couldn’t even see their spouse on V-day. Somewhere someone received some life changing news about their declining health and flowers are not what they are wishing for. They are probably wishing for more time to do the important things with those they love with the limited time they have left. Somewhere it is a wife’s first V-day since her spouse passed away and she would give anything to say she loves him one more time in person. Somewhere someone has never had anyone be their Valentine and would give anything to have flowers given to them at home.
Today you might not have everything you want the way you want it but somewhere someone would give anything to have what you have. V-day passes and flowers wilt. We can all waste a lot of time looking to receive the perfect gift under the conditions we would like to receive it or we can use our time to cherish and appreciate all that we have flaws and all. It’s all about perspective and how you choose to look at it.
Also, it might be worth googling “The 5 Love Languages,” it’s possible your love language is acts of service and his might be gifting. Acts of service focus more on the how things are done (which is what seems more important to you) and gifts focus on what is given like the flowers themselves. If the “how” is more important to you and the “what” is more important to him, you will have continual disagreements. Neither of you will not be able to fully understand why or how to communicate/explain your POV to the other especially if each of you is communicating in the wrong love language to the other.
Hope you choose to enjoy your flowers,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I think Empowerment was right. No, there is no way that you can tell your DH that he didn't measure up because he bought you flowers at home and not at work w/o making him feel that "everything he does is wrong." Imagine if you spent time picking out whatever gift for him that you chose and then after you gave it to him, he said that wasn't really what he wanted, you should have gotten something else--how would you feel?
I can tell you that I was married for 13 yrs to my 1st DH and I doubt he ever got me flowers on V-Day--knowing him, he probably waited til the day after to get the candy 1/2 price. Same w/ 2nd DH--I would have been thrilled to get any kind of flowers. He used to send me flowers at work before we were married and I think it was more about making him look good, although I did like it a lot. Once we got married, I never got flowers. I told him I would have been happy w/ a $5 bunch that you get from the grocery store.
so stop complaining about nothing. If you have a problem with depression, go and get some treatment for it. And maybe the infertility is what's getting you upset and you are really just on edge so you are unhappy about everything.
Hi Arby:
I think I can shed some light on this.
The first problem you wrote about.
" Yesterday I had a bad work day. I started talking to him about it. Eventually it turned around to me not knowing when to hold my tongue, or not knowing how to say stuff"
Men are socialized to "fix" things. So his was a normal reaction. You may have wanted an ear. To vent. His reaction is from being male. Women do not converse in the same style. He thinks you are coming to him for critical assesment of a problem where he must come up with solutions.
The flowers issue has been well addressed in other's posts.
"I was fine, and he should have been fine. Then all of a sudden he starts nailing into me because apparently i-once again- said something he didnt like - i have no idea what that was - so we both went to bed angry."
This left me confused. How was it fine?
"And I can't even talk to him about it because he will get upset and tell me that he "never ever does anything right. And I am never happy with anything that he does, and why does he bother" and how he is such a stupid, horrible person, and have a hissy-fit. Maybe he isn't, or maybe I'm not, but it's hard not being able to just say how I am feeling and what I want without him being so defensive."
Because HE feels like he is being attacked!
" But as far as "flowers and women" are concerned, there is TONS out there about what "women want and expect" and, i'm sorry - any "research" you read about women, stereotypically, states that : 1) women LOVE flowers and 2) women LOVE being surprised by flowers at WORK. So how is it my fault for being upset with him for not thinking about this and actually WANTING to do it for me? "
You mean you wanted to show off at work! No that is not true; many women do not want their life put out on the street. Remember when reading magazines about this there is a financial motivation for those articles: A. advertising revenue, B. circulation is the way ads are priced.
It is clear that the nice gestures by both parties are misunderstood and fail to meet expectations.
What you do have is a deep communication and expectation disconnect. Counseling for communication issues may be the best. It is clear that the disconnect is deep.
http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-valentines-day-000000989.html
Uhmmm.....what else is really going on? It really doesn't make much difference HOW flowers end up in your hands, does it? If so, why? The guy went to the trouble to try to make Valentine's Day more special by getting you some flowers and leaving you an "I love you" note, so let it go HOW you ended up with the flowers. This is not about flowers or how you got them, it's about something else. I have no doubt others are going to say the same thing. Have any idea how many guys blow off VD altogether? Hopefully, not too many, but I've known some. What did YOU do to make the day special? It doesn't take much, I baked my DH some oatmeal cookies last night, his favorite. He brought home a bouquet of flowers. I think you need to step back and figure out what's really bugging you.
Arbylee, I'm wondering if you're taking fertility hormones. It's just that hormone changes can send one a bit crazy - and I'm trying to understand what's behind you being so unreasonable about the flowers. It was a kind gesture which you've turned crazy over.
Also, are you getting treated for the depression? Are you taking meds? I struggle with depression myself and I know how low it can feel. But I can also tell you that it's not fair to inflict our untreated depressive self on our partner. If you're not getting treated, do it ASAP
Lastly, when you told him what went wrong at work, it's clear that he was trying to help with advice on how you could approach the issues differently. It's a shame you took offense instead of talking about different approaches which you could utilise. When you get yourself balanced again, you may find that your husband can actually help you.
It's unfortunate you deleted your original post - others likely would have chimed in with good feedback. I've been posting here a long time and have heard every type of feedback out there, and like you, not all of it felt so great. But for the most part you're hearing from people who've been having troubles in their relationship, and most of them have a lot of solid info to listen to. But you often don't hear what you expected or wanted to hear, you often hear what those of us who've been hurt think might be helpful instead. When I'd re-visit responses another time, they "felt" quite different and I realized I was having a very emotional or miserable day when I asked for help. Many here are pretty blunt and don't care to chit chat, they prefer to just let you know what needs to be said. If you tried another board, maybe someone might respond with something you'd find more helpful. It's a good bunch here, the regulars are not rude, they've just "been there" and don't pull any punches and have learned thru our own experiences what helped....and what didn't.
Thank you, Cherry2009 for quoting that whole post. I do this, too, when I can because of dirty deletes.
In the future, if you're only venting, make that obvious in your first sentence. Otherwise, since this is an advice site and not a vent site or your person blog, people will think you're looking for advice. And since you did ask a myriad of questions of strangers and not your bff's, then it stands to reason that you're going to get responses that are not going to validate you.
The one thing you do not appear to have a grasp of is the fact that one does not get to dictate how a gift is given to them--you're confusing gifts with obligations. How you choose to do your gift giving is non sequitur to how your husband goes about giving gifts, so stop comparing how abysmally he falls short of the mark compared to you.
What is abundantly clear in your post is that you and your husband have a severe communication problem--that you either do not express what you want or you express it when it's too late to change course and it manifests as an attack. Yesterday was not the day to unleash your wrath on your husband about how the dang flowers got to your door... yesterday was the day to say "oh, thank you sweetie!! I love you so much!!!" Today, tomorrow or the next 363 days are when you have a calm, non confrontational, non combative chat with him about what you like, how you like it delivered, where you like it delivered, blah blah blah. Then you let it go--you don't sit and wait with your scorecard out for when he falls short of the mark.
I think that you owe your husband a really heartfelt apology. Perhaps some sessions with a therapist to address your frustrations and to learn how to communicate what you need without turning your marriage into a constant war zone.
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