On the Verge

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
On the Verge
6
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:44pm
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. I know that I love him dearly. The problem is, I don't know for sure anymore if he's the right one for me. I've said my whole life that I never wanted to get married, until I met him. We get along great. He's my best friend, but its been almost 3 months since we've had sex, and I've really had no desire to have sex. I feel aroused, but I use a vibrator to take care of things. He is the first person I have ever loved and the longest relationship I have ever had, and I know it would break my heart if we were to break up, cause we almost did about a year ago. He's 7 years older than me and I am the first person he slept with. I keep wondering if he just thinks he loves me because of that. He already has a great job nearby, and I'm still in college with no clue what I'll be doing for a living yet. I've already asked him if he would be willing to move, cause we've been planning on moving to another state one day down the road, after marriage, and he said no now. I was willing to move for him when he was looking for a job, and now he won't do the same thing he was asking me to do.

It just seems like we're on a destructive path right now. He's really the only friend I have, the only one I talk to. My other good friends turned out not to be good ones at all and ditched my last year b/c of problems they had with my bf. I DO love him, and I know that he loves me, but is that really enough? I just have this feeling that things are going to come to a head before too long and everything will blow up. Could you please give me some advice on whether this is normal for me to be feeling like this? Are we just in a slump or a downhill slide? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:03pm
It's hard to say without knowing the following: Why don't you want to have sex with him (or why haven't you had sex in so long) since it seems that you have a normal sexual desire in general? What problems did your friends have with your BF that caused the extreme response of dropping you? The fact that more than one friend did this is not something you should necessarily brush aside as not being good friends. Details please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:22pm
i don't really know why. i just haven't. i enjoy kissing and being close, but i haven't been turned on. he's wanted to and i just couldn't get myself in the mood.

basically, everytime we fight, he threatens to leave and my friends (also roommates) said that this was emotional abuse. they didn't ditch me just b/c of my bf, there were other factors, like one found new friends, but there was friction btwn them that pushed them off the edge. the culminating event was when i had my wisdom teeth extracted, i asked my bf to take care of my dog b/c i thought everyone would be gone (it was over thanksgiving). my roomie took it personally and took it out on him. then they got into a huge fight over the air of all things, and she started really bashing me for no reason. he stood up for me and that was really it for the friendship and she moved. my other roomie moved out a month or so later b/c she said that my bf (who didn't live with me but stayed over a lot) were like this little family and she felt like she was intruding. she didn't say anything to me so we could remedy the sitch and instead moved out behind my back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:28pm
Okay, it sounds like your friends may have been somewhat immature, but their issue about your BF threatening to leave after every fight is valid. It's likely that all the drama surrounding that behavior was very tiresome and frustrating to watch. Aside from that, it's not how emotionally healthy adults deal with disagreements, and it builds insecurity and distrust about the stability of the relationship. If this kind of the thing is still occuring it's very understandable why you are having doubts. Threats to leave would make anyone have doubts, and his refusal to consider a move may contribute to it. However, if he has a good job, and you're asking him to consider moving when you don't have a clue what you want to do yet, moving somewhere else is not a reasonable request, not without good, firm job offers in the new state.

The lack of desire for him is another thing that indicates that your relationship is not on the right track. You may not be able to pinpoint why you feel this way, but something is causing it and it doesn't just happen as a normal ebb and flow in a relationship where all else is good, not for this length of time.

It's quite possible that you really do know that he is wrong for you, but since you have no other friends you may be overlooking or minimizing the things about him that make him wrong - out of fear of the lonliness you'd feel should you part from him. Think about it and try to develop some other friends if you can't make any firm decisions right now. That should help you a great deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:20pm
thanks for your input.

about the moving thing. what i asked him was if i got a good job that was a really good opportunity for me, but i have to move will you go? the company that he works for has branches in most of the big cities so all he would have to do is transfer. what its saying to me is that he essentially doesnt' care about my happiness and as long as he's happy that's what matters.

i've been trying to get out and make new friends, but i'm still in college and don't really have much time after studying. my bf works about 45 minutes out of town and we don't live together, so the weekend is really the only time we have to spend together and that's the time i would go out to make friends. he doesn't like to go out, or do much at all for that matter, so we usually just get a movie and stay in.

thanks again for your help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:31pm
Hon, forget about the moving thing. "What if" scenarios are not real tests of devotion. The real proof of that is in the day-to-day ordinary behavior of you both. The questions you should be asking yourself are things like, 'Do I feel cherished in this relationship?', 'Is he kind to me?', 'Does he listen to me?', 'Does he bring out the best in me?', Does he meet me halfway when we disagree?', 'Do we have the same values?', 'Do we have fun together?','Do I look forward to seeing him when we've been apart?', 'Is he a safe place to fall when I'm hurt?', Do I trust and admire him, and does he trust and admire me?' Ask yourself these questions and anything else important to you. Be honest in your answers.

I can tell you one thing that's fairly evident from your post. You're not having much fun with him. You're in college and yet you're sitting at home on weekends watching movies, like a boring middle-aged couple. I'm middle-aged and I wouldn't like doing that every weekend. I can't imagine doing that as a young person in college - yikes! No wonder you're feeling restless.

You're not required to be with him all weekend, every weekend just because you're in a relationship. Try to develop friendships with other women in your classes. Invite someone from class to share a coffee with you, join a school club that interests you - don't give up so easily. Be open to the idea that you can do something fun on the weekend even if you have to do it alone. You don't have to live a joyless life at any age, but it's up to you to make it happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: sambone21
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:21pm
thanks for all of your help. i will certainly take you advice. thanks again!