On the Verge
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On the Verge
| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:44pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. I know that I love him dearly. The problem is, I don't know for sure anymore if he's the right one for me. I've said my whole life that I never wanted to get married, until I met him. We get along great. He's my best friend, but its been almost 3 months since we've had sex, and I've really had no desire to have sex. I feel aroused, but I use a vibrator to take care of things. He is the first person I have ever loved and the longest relationship I have ever had, and I know it would break my heart if we were to break up, cause we almost did about a year ago. He's 7 years older than me and I am the first person he slept with. I keep wondering if he just thinks he loves me because of that. He already has a great job nearby, and I'm still in college with no clue what I'll be doing for a living yet. I've already asked him if he would be willing to move, cause we've been planning on moving to another state one day down the road, after marriage, and he said no now. I was willing to move for him when he was looking for a job, and now he won't do the same thing he was asking me to do.
It just seems like we're on a destructive path right now. He's really the only friend I have, the only one I talk to. My other good friends turned out not to be good ones at all and ditched my last year b/c of problems they had with my bf. I DO love him, and I know that he loves me, but is that really enough? I just have this feeling that things are going to come to a head before too long and everything will blow up. Could you please give me some advice on whether this is normal for me to be feeling like this? Are we just in a slump or a downhill slide? Thanks.

basically, everytime we fight, he threatens to leave and my friends (also roommates) said that this was emotional abuse. they didn't ditch me just b/c of my bf, there were other factors, like one found new friends, but there was friction btwn them that pushed them off the edge. the culminating event was when i had my wisdom teeth extracted, i asked my bf to take care of my dog b/c i thought everyone would be gone (it was over thanksgiving). my roomie took it personally and took it out on him. then they got into a huge fight over the air of all things, and she started really bashing me for no reason. he stood up for me and that was really it for the friendship and she moved. my other roomie moved out a month or so later b/c she said that my bf (who didn't live with me but stayed over a lot) were like this little family and she felt like she was intruding. she didn't say anything to me so we could remedy the sitch and instead moved out behind my back.
The lack of desire for him is another thing that indicates that your relationship is not on the right track. You may not be able to pinpoint why you feel this way, but something is causing it and it doesn't just happen as a normal ebb and flow in a relationship where all else is good, not for this length of time.
It's quite possible that you really do know that he is wrong for you, but since you have no other friends you may be overlooking or minimizing the things about him that make him wrong - out of fear of the lonliness you'd feel should you part from him. Think about it and try to develop some other friends if you can't make any firm decisions right now. That should help you a great deal.
about the moving thing. what i asked him was if i got a good job that was a really good opportunity for me, but i have to move will you go? the company that he works for has branches in most of the big cities so all he would have to do is transfer. what its saying to me is that he essentially doesnt' care about my happiness and as long as he's happy that's what matters.
i've been trying to get out and make new friends, but i'm still in college and don't really have much time after studying. my bf works about 45 minutes out of town and we don't live together, so the weekend is really the only time we have to spend together and that's the time i would go out to make friends. he doesn't like to go out, or do much at all for that matter, so we usually just get a movie and stay in.
thanks again for your help
I can tell you one thing that's fairly evident from your post. You're not having much fun with him. You're in college and yet you're sitting at home on weekends watching movies, like a boring middle-aged couple. I'm middle-aged and I wouldn't like doing that every weekend. I can't imagine doing that as a young person in college - yikes! No wonder you're feeling restless.
You're not required to be with him all weekend, every weekend just because you're in a relationship. Try to develop friendships with other women in your classes. Invite someone from class to share a coffee with you, join a school club that interests you - don't give up so easily. Be open to the idea that you can do something fun on the weekend even if you have to do it alone. You don't have to live a joyless life at any age, but it's up to you to make it happen.