On the verge of divorce --- please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
On the verge of divorce --- please help
8
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:25pm

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we have 2 young children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:29pm
Is she being clear with you about what she does want? Is it divorce? Is it to remain cordial until the kids are out of the house? Is it to move? Is it to punish you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:42pm
No, she does not know what she wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 1:55pm
It's interesting that she refuses to go back to the counselor because "she cannot get over her anger and resentment towards ."
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 2:58pm

Welcome to the board egbert5,


If you wife doesn't know what she wants, it is going to be very hard to find a starting place towards working all this out.


Since she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling with you, would she be willing to go individual counseling to help her figure out what she wants?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 3:13pm

Is she still in contact with her affair partner? If so, she's a cake eater. She's taking the best of both worlds.

In the mean time, she's not fully owning/taking responsibility for her actions. It was probably both of you that caused the marital issues, but she, alone, is responsible for her choice to have an affair.

IMO, you should let her know that she has until x day to decide whether she's staying or going. Force her hand. It's not right for you to hang in limbo. Why would she do different since it's working so far? You support her. She gets her other needs met elsewhere.

I wish you the best!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 6:22pm

It takes two individuals to be willing to make a marriage work. It sounds as though she has or is pulling out. Refusing to work on the relationship or to deal with her anger creates a dead end. Let her know that this is causing great difficulty and if she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, she "Must" see a therapist for herself, on her own and get a handle on her anger and acting out behavior. Or else the marriage is at real risk. She may not think that there are consequences to her behavior, or deep down, she may be doing this as a way to get out. Most likely, she is not conscious of her own feelings and deeper needs. She does need to help to sort things out.


However, if she refuses to go for any kind of help, if I were you (and even if she does go for help), I would go see a therapist myself to help you sort out what's going on both with yourself and the relationship and find the best way of handling it.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 7:38am
Thank you all for your thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 7:56am

Dump her.