On the verge of tears, PLEASE HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
On the verge of tears, PLEASE HELP!!
3
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:14am
My boyfriend and i are in college, and we have been dating for two years. We have been talking about what is going to happen to us, and i naturally want to stay together, yet my boyfriend claims that he doesn't feel as happy as he did the first three or so months we were together. I told him that as we have been together we have gotten to know onw another more and there is less fascination with one another that was there at the time.

Also he lives with his friends this year and we have run into problems with him making plans with me and changing them to hang out with his friends, so i think that he is fascinating with spending time with his friends, but once they aren't around he is interested in spending time with me. since this has happened once before and then ended, i think that once we graduate and his friends move away that then again he will want to be with me. i think that he takes me for granted and also that he is unrealistic about what a relationship entails. anytime i tell him he upsets me or anytime we have a dissagreement he thinks its a problem, i don't think that these things are problems, but i have been trying to accomodate his needs by approaching him with my emotions in a non confrontational way.

i need advice on what to do or say to him. i believe that he wants to be with me, but is too stubborn to realize how much i mean to him when i see him everyday and spend mostly every night of the week with him.

i know this is a lot of information, but i wanted to give enough info to get some reliable advice. PLEASE HELP, IM SCARED AND SAD!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:10pm
While it is normal to want to do things separately from each other, hang out with friends, etc. it is extremely RUDE of him to make plans with you then change them because of his friends (read that, because something better came up to do) - personally, to me that is a reflection of his lack of maturity.

With that said, it also sounds as if you both have different priorities and values. If you think it will change once his friends move away, I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak - he will just make new friends or find something new to be *fascinated* with and again you will be left at home.

If you think he's taking advantage of you, taking you for granted....only you have to power to change it. Stand up for yourself, call him on it, don't let him get away with it. That means being willing to say "this is unacceptable and if I'm going to be continually stood-up, plans changed on a whim, then we need to end our relationship."

::i believe that he wants to be with me, but is too stubborn to realize how much i mean to him when i see him everyday and spend mostly every night of the week with him.

Then take time to develop other interests and spend some time away from him based on your schedule, your friends, your hobbies.

Long term plans can't be set right now....I realize you need and want the reassurance that things will be ok, but you are at an age where there is so much in the world to experience and the two of you may have different ideas on how to get there.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:21pm
Hi there - I can speak from very recent experience on this one! My boyfriend of over two years just dumped me and got together with someone else, completely cutting me out of his life. The lesson I've learned from hindsight is important for you too: If you notice that you're not a priority, or you even FEEL left out and NOT considered repeatedly, he doesn't appreciate you enough! After that amount of time, you should have some clear cut commitment. If not, please make a move of your own to see how much he does appreciate you. You must tell him that you need to feel like a priority and have some definition of commitment. Otherwise, you want to take a break (or break up) and look into other people that will be crazy about you. It may seem so hard, but trust me, this would have saved me a lot of heartbreak from a wishy-washy guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:01pm
The smartest thing you can do is not make any assumptions or predictions based on hope. Concentrate instead on his current behavior and what he tells you.

It sounds to me like his heart isn't in the relatiosnhip like yours is. He is young, he wants to have fun. You want something more serious.

If you really think he will change once his environment changes, you are fooling yourself.