A very complicated relationship dilemma.
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|Sun, 08-17-2014 - 10:03am|
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I am 21 and he is two years younger than me and has been battling a weed addiction throughout our relationship. He started smoking when he was about 13, just a year after her mother changed her name and ran away to Spain never to return or give him reasons why. This is my understanding of why he wanted to smoke as he incredibly in denial and confused. I knew he was a smoker when we first got together and I saw that he wanted to change so I agreed to help him and admittedly things did get better and he was only smoking on weekends. A few months into our relationship I saw that he had left his Facebook logged onto my computer and noticed that he had been messaging HUNDREDS of girls who are all about 16/17 and having these very immature relationships via Facebook saying things like "I love you so much baby" and "I love those dirty pictures you sent me". I was literally shocked and didn't speak to him for two weeks. He did everything he could to prove to me that this was a mistake and as it was early on in our relationship. I ingored his messages, emails, voicemails and texts and did not say much to him as although I had decided in myself that I would be able to forgive him, I did not want him to know it was that easy. Anyway, so I forgave him and we were able to move forward. Months down the line and he started making friends at college with people that love drugs and crime. This is something that he has always been attracted to as he has found comfort and stability in life on the streets. He started smoking more, lying about how much he was smoking and I noticed a big change in him. He was not happy and looked very pale and ill. Sometimes I would smoke with him. I had smoked weed way before I met him and am confident with my limits and knowlege as to what it does to you (I don't smoke it anymore). Right so fast forward to a few months ago I had a feeling he had been hiding something so I snooped through his computer and found messages on his Skype account with both boys and girls. I was in complete shock as we have never had problems with out sex life so I could not believe some of the things I was reading. He had been having video conversations with boys while they both masturbated on camera. There was another conversation with a girl who was obviously working in this kind of area and he was asking how much it would cost for him to see her "rub her sweet pussy". I forgot to mention too that a few weeks before this I was looking through his history and found he had been looking at a porn site called "fatty videos" which of course was videos specifically of larger women.
I confronted him about the messages on his Skype account and he was out with him friends smoking weed and of course, denied the whole thing. I told him to come home and see the evidence for himself and he did, reluctently. He continued to deny it all and I could see the guilt and embarrassment all over his face. He said someone must have logged into his Skype account and of course, I was not stupid enough to believe this. He told me I didn't know him if I thought that he was capable of somrthing like this and did his best to manipulate the conversation but he was high and stupid and nothing he was saying was making sense so I told him I was going to see my friend and he cried begging me not to leave, telling me I had to believe him. I held his hand and told him that he is very indenial and he needs help. I left to meet my friend and I assume he did the same, only he went to smoke away his pain and I went to find answers. My friend and I anayalised the whole thing. She was just as shocked as I was. We spoke to her mum who is a qualified councillor and she helped me find some understanding without actually forcing her opions. I came to the conclusion that Chris (that's his name) is obviously very hurt and confused by his mother leaving him at the tender age of 12. His dad is amazing and he is very lucky to have him so of course, we idolises men. I think he has sexualised his pain in extreme ways by talking to HUNDREDS of girls, meeting random men in chatrooms, paying to see someone strip on webcam and getting off on fat people having sex. I am not making excuses for him, I am trying to find the understanding to come to terms with what has happened.
Later that evening we met up on a park bench and I told him everything that had been building up since his smoking got worse and also about the recent events that had occured. He was quick to admit what he did and I was understanding and compassionate at first as I knew this must be a very hard and embarrasing time for him. However I spoke up for myself and told him exactly what I deserve and what needs to change if he wants a chance at rebuilding what we have. I told him he needed to get into contact with his mother for a start and get the snwers he needs to move on and stop burying with drugs. Secondly, I told him he needs to stop smoking weed COMPLETELY and thirdly he will also need to see a therapist to help him understand the things we has done (not just with me but aso in the past).
It has now been two months since this night and Chris has been seeing a therapist weekly, has met up with his mother who flew over from spain and has stopped smoking weed. It has not been easy for him and when he saw his mother, she fed him a load of lies about why she left and also tried to blame HIM for the reason she left and Chris said what he needed to say which was hard for him as it was years of things that he had been ignoring with drugs. He is now healing himself and becoming a better person. His dad has noticed the change and is over the moon to have the Chris he knows and loves back. One that he had not seen for a long time.
We both get on like best friends, protect each other like brother and sisters and love like lovers but I am finding it very hard to completely trust him again. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him after the way he has lied to me twice in the past and both times I have had to show him the proof and drag the truth out of him. He once told me that as a child his mother never believed him when he was telling the truth and this leads me to think that he was never taught the value of truth. Again, not making excuses for him. Just trying to understanding.
One minute I'm happy and can see a bright future for us and the next (more rarely) I am crying and upset because I don't completely trust him. Sometimes I find mysellf making him feel terrible for what he's done to the point where I make him cry which I know isn't fair but I don't want him to forget because I'm scared that when he forgets the pain he has caused me he will become comfortable, start smoking and lying again. His dad says he hasn't seen a good change like this in years and that he thinks this time something has really clicked in him.
I am still very hurt and confused and am still taking things slow. A part of me is worried he might be gay too although there is no reason for me to think this, it is simply because of the messages I saw to boys on his Skype.
I don't know what to do.