A very complicated situation
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| Tue, 10-28-2008 - 12:39pm |
I'm in a very complicated situation.
When I was in high school I started dating my now husband, who I will call Tom. After about 1 1/2 years he joined the military, and I went off to college. He and I have had a long distance relationship for about 3 years now. I see him about 6 weeks or so out of the year. So it has put an incredible strain on our relationship.
While at school I met Bob, who I was first only friends with. After we spent a lot of time together, we started to cross the line. At this point I was engaged to Tom. Bob fell in love with me. And I still kept choosing Tom over Bob. We recently got married, about 6 months ago. I spent the summer living with him, and it was the first time we had really been together in the last 3 years. This is because of the military.
Anyway, for about a period of six months over two of the 3 years I've been in school, I slept with the other guy. Tom has said to me on several occasions that infidelity of that kind would be a sort of deal breaker for our relationship. But, I still haven't told him.
The thing about Bob, is that he had filled the voids in my relationship with Tom. He was my best friend. I never had an actual friendship with Tom before we dated. We also had a very physical relationship before he and I were separated by the military and school. Only after we could only have phone conversations did I realize that we didn't know quite as much about one another as I had thought. But I still stayed with Tom. I cheated on him constantly. He has never cheated on me.
Now that I am back in my last leg of school, Bob is not here because he doesn't want to do either of us more harm. I can not say that I blame him. I still want to be friends with him, and he still wants to be friends with me. Bob and I had a serious falling out, and it's taken us the last few months to really communicate with one another as to why it happened. We still care about one another immensely. Now that I am back at school I wonder if I made the right choice by marrying Tom. I could never bring myself fully to give up on the dreams Tom and I had to be together after I graduated from school. And I was surely in love with Tom. I did love Bob, but I don't believe I was in love with him.
The problem I am faced with now is whether or not to tell Tom I cheated. I am completely afraid he will divorce me, but at the same time he and I would probably not be married at all had I been completely honest about what I did in the first place. And being away from both Bob and Tom, I am left to wonder if I should have tried to work things out with Bob, and broken up with Tom. Bob and I had a very intense connection, but I also did have one with Tom.
I have only been able to be completely honest with Bob about everything in the last few years, mainly because I slept with him. At the same time, I feel that Bob is someone I can talk to about anything, and who I can always be honest with. He just gets me. Tom, on the other hand, I constantly lie to. I don't feel like I can always open up to him. Even before I cheated on him, we had a serious communication problem, and I don't feel like I can be honest about everything. Sometimes he isn't understanding, or he just doesn't console me or he doesn't give me the type of emotional support I was able to get with Bob. My sex life with Bob was much more satisfying than with Tom. That is obviously not as important as the other parts of a relationship, but it is true.
Tom is absolutely in love with me. Bob is too. But, I wonder if I should tell Tom the truth. I feel like I might be telling him so he will end our marriage and I can try to be with Bob. On the other hand, I am afraid I will make the wrong choice, and ultimately regret ending my marriage with Tom. I'm not 100% sure where my heart lies. Bob and I have been through so much. I have had to decide at least 5 times who I should be with, and I always chose Tom. This is a really difficult situation. I don't want to keep lying to Tom. I have done it far too much already. I am just really unsure of what to do.
I feel absolutely horrible that I ever thought it was okay to sleep with another man, when another trusts you with their heart. And it really was not okay. My relationship with Bob was more emotional dependence, and the physical things came later. I won't be graduating until May of next year. My other problem is that I want to be able to really live with Tom, really be able to get back to our relationship. I think if I am with him like a normal couple, I might be able to determine if I did make the right choice by letting Bob go, and staying with Tom. But I am afraid if I figure out that I made the wrong decision I will have lost Bob.
This situation is incredibly complicated. Tom has no idea. Our long distance relationship has made it easy to keep things from him. I am very depressed, and he has no idea why. It's just a lot to try and figure out...

Welcome to the board pyratelover,
I think Tom deserves a faithful wife.
And Bob doesn't know that, any more than Tom knows. The thing is however, I have never been more honest with another person about anything, as I have with Bob. I am always honest with him. And he knows me well enough to know if I am lying about something, or holding back. I feel more comfortable with Bob and I can be myself around him every day all day. That's the problem here. I feel I might have made a mistake marrying Tom. I don't know if it's because I'm down here at school without Bob's companionship, but I'm starting to see the silver lining. It's like the saying, you never know what you had til you lost it. Even before I got married I had moments of doubt. I don't think you should ever have those if you're planning to spend your life with one person.
The other problem is, I really do love Tom. However, I am not sure if my relationship with him is where it needs to be...in fact I know it's not. Otherwise I would have never cheated in the first place. I don't know where my heart is right now. If I could be with Tom right now, I really think I would be able to figure this out. He might be able to help me see which decision to make.
The real problem is do I tell him I cheated? He only knows a little about it. He went on trusting me, which was a bad idea. As the last two years have gone on it got worse and I just dug a deeper hole for myself. I know Tom deserves better. But I can't take back what happened. Now I have to deal with it somehow.
I have been away from Tom for a very long time. We live two separate lives, and we have to. There's no way not to. I have become a much more independent person than before I went off to school, and sometimes he has a hard time seeing it. I have learned a lot about myself, and who I am since I got to school. But that is not really the issue here. I am trying to figure out where my heart really is, and if I make this decision whether I will later regret it or not.
If you are lying and cheating how can staying with Tom end happily?
I wouldn't tell your husband.
Instead, I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not being married to Tom is the right thing. The type of relationship you describe would not be enough to keep most people satisfied...and I'm wondering why you agreed to have a long distance marriage in the first place.
It's pretty obvious that Bob is filling the void left when Tom is not around. You and Tom need to make some serious changes to lifestyle/career choices to fill these voids. If the changes in lifestyle can't be made, it's time to question whether or not to stay together.
that's the thing that's most frustrating. i can't just get on a plane and go live with him. we live 5,000 miles apart, and not finishing school is not an option.
I didn't really have a choice in the matter at first. I never agreed for him to join the military. He would have done it with or without my permission. But I loved him so much that I wasn't willing to give up our relationship simply because he joined the military. However, as the years have passed by I feel like perhaps I should have broken things off. Only because I kept cheating, and he really doesn't deserve that. I knew that sleeping with someone else was a deal breaker for him. But I kept doing it anyway, and I'm not sure why.
I have come to believe myself that the relationship I have with Tom is one that I'm trying to pick up from the past. We've had many experiences together over these last 3 years, but obviously it is not the same as having someone in your life you can see every day. But, I am afraid the reason I stayed with him was only to try and live the dreams we have waited so long to try and take part in. We wanted to get married for a very long time. I wanted to be with him for a very long time. And I think that's part of the reason why I couldn't bring myself to complete break off from him. I longed to be with him, but it just wasn't possible. And maybe I'm still holding on to the hope that we will be the happy couple I imagined. I can't live with him until I leave school in May, and I really don't want to have to wait til then to figure this out. But I know if I don't get the chance to be with him, I won't have a complete picture of my true and honest feelings. If I still feel like we shouldn't be together when we finally are, I think that will really tell me something...
I' m incredibly frustrated because of this time I have to wait. It just makes the situation that much more difficult. By the time I get to be with him we will be married a year already. I don't want to prolong this any more than necessary, especially if I decide not to be with him.
I want to tell him what I did so badly. I hate lying to him. I hate that our distance made is so easy for me to lie in the first place, and that it seemed easier just to keep on lying. But I'm also terrified of the consequences of telling him the truth. I don't know if my motivations are the right ones. I do want to be honest with him, that's not even a question. But, I'm not sure if I am telling him because I still have feelings for Bob. I feel like if I tell him, it will mean a divorce. And I know this for a fact. So I am not sure if I would tell him because I want a divorce, or because I am trying to be honest. I feel like part of my heart is with Bob, even though it's just a little, and it should not be that way. And more importantly, because I feel that way, I don't know if I am telling Tom because I want to be with Bob, or if I am telling Tom because he deserves to know what I have done.
All in all I am really really unsure of what my true feelings are. Bob started dating another girl while I was living with my husband during the summer. I told him I would do whatever he asked so he could have a relationship with her. He said we couldn't be friends anymore. But the way we both went about it at first was not the right way. He got very hostile, as did I, rather than talking about it. And 5,000 miles away I found myself very depressed about the fact that I would not have Bob at school to be my friend. For the last 8 weeks of school, I've had severe depression. And because I am so incredibly depressed about it, it has made me question my entire relationship with Tom. I don't think I should be so depressed about it. But I am. Bob and I have talked through email lately. Only because I told him that I had to give up on our friendship. I've been so depressed that it has literally taken over my life, but Bob and I finally talked like grown ups should. I know this girlfriend he has doesn't make him as happy as he wants to be. I'm not entirely sure it's a 'she has him, so now I want him' sort of thing. That's only because I had some doubt before my wedding, and Bob didn't start seeing her until I had been married about 3 months.
So I don't know. This situation is so frustrating because it's so complicated, and it just seems to get more and more so as the days go by. I haven't cheated on Tom with Bob since May. That's not what it's about now. I sometimes feel like Bob and I have this ridiculous attraction to one another and we really can't control ourselves. I feel like I hold back with Tom, and that's probably because I cheated.......
I agree with trueblue - what Tom doesnt know wont hurt him - dont get me wrong - I hate lying - but there are times when the truth is more damaging than not telling.
i do know that he hasn't cheated on me. he's got a lot more control of himself than i seem to...plus, i think many men in the military just aren't attracted to their peers..it's something i've noticed.
anyway....many of the things said make sense. the more i think about it, i find myself comparing my relationship with Tom to the relationship I had with Bob. But I know that's not going to solve anything. I think I focus too much on what I was getting with Bob, rather than what I do get with Tom. I really do love Tom. I wish I had been stronger. I think it's hard for people to understand where I'm coming from. Especially if you've never had a long distance relationship. I know that's not really a good excuse, but when you aren't with someone for 11 months out of the year...well I don't think many people can really say they know how that feels.
I can agree to an extent that I probably had a romanticized idea of what I wanted my relationship with Tom to be. However, it is not entirely true. He and I started to fight a lot during my first year of college. (The cheating did not start until a few months into my sophomore year of college.) We never fought prior to that. It was a true awakening to how not so perfect our relationship really was. We have tried talking, but I don't feel like he understands all of the time. He doesn't always listen to what I have to say either. He sometimes thinks what I say is a joke, rather than taking me seriously.
I really do want to try and work on our relationship. I know there is a reason I kept choosing him over Bob. I sometimes feel that we are disconnected from one another, though we talk every day. I think it's hard for him to relate to me sometimes because he doesn't know what it's like to be in school, and I obviously am not with him to know what he does every day, although I have a fairly good idea, since I lived with him during the summer.
I do want to work on our relationship. I think if neither of us can be what the other needs, then it wasn't meant to be. It's frustrating because we both know what it's like to have divorced parents. Neither of us wants that...but I do know if we can't make one another happy being married is probably not the right answer.
I don't feel I am selfish. Maybe you think I'm being selfish because I'm worried about what's right for me. But the fact is, if I worry about what is right for every one else, and not myself, I will never be happy. I spend far too much time trying to make every one else happy. Maybe it is selfish. Maybe I sound self involved. But I'm trying to figure out my life. If I don't do what is best for me, I can't make anyone happy in the long run, let alone myself.
I personally think that seeking advice about this is mature. I am not a person who tends to ask for help. I try to figure out my own problems. But this is something that I do not take lightly. It could destroy my husband's life, and that is extremely upsetting to me. But I don't want him to be with me, if I don't love him as much as he loves me. That's just not fair to either of us.
I think I may be slowly figuring answers out.