Very confused...
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Very confused...
| Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:37pm |
In a 5 yr relationship.
I know you are not supposed to change people. But our relationship runs hot to cold..in 0.2 sec.
Problem is is his ex wife. Has anyone ever had to open there door to an ex? What I mean is he has kids OLDER kids. But she comes to the house to visit with them/Personally I can do with out her being at my home, he said im unfair and she comes with because they are out together. I think Its unfair to me. But since they have gotten a divorce they are friends. Claims platonic..............
Something deep inside is making more out of it than just simple friendship. The looks, actions tell me theres more....he said no, he would never ever sexually have anything to do with her.(REASON) Because she is caucasion and B/f is black. I dont beleive it. You see his ex g/f had a black B/F. His conclusion was he wasnt married to her....What is your feelings??? Theres more to this story, just the tip of a huge ice burg. Jewel
I know you are not supposed to change people. But our relationship runs hot to cold..in 0.2 sec.
Problem is is his ex wife. Has anyone ever had to open there door to an ex? What I mean is he has kids OLDER kids. But she comes to the house to visit with them/Personally I can do with out her being at my home, he said im unfair and she comes with because they are out together. I think Its unfair to me. But since they have gotten a divorce they are friends. Claims platonic..............
Something deep inside is making more out of it than just simple friendship. The looks, actions tell me theres more....he said no, he would never ever sexually have anything to do with her.(REASON) Because she is caucasion and B/f is black. I dont beleive it. You see his ex g/f had a black B/F. His conclusion was he wasnt married to her....What is your feelings??? Theres more to this story, just the tip of a huge ice burg. Jewel

First, you are mad because your boyfriends ex-wife comes to your house to see her children, and also you are uncomfortable with the looks that he and she give to eachother. Am I right so far? I'm also confused about this caucasian/african american thing. Your boyfriend is (pardon the wording) a racists, which proves he'd never sleep with his ex-wife? I don't get how that proves anything. Then again, I don't really know what that all meant. Could you try to explain it?
Sorry, I hope someone is able to help you!
Something deep inside is making me feel that there is more to it than just simple friendship. The looks, actions tell me theres more....he said no, he would never ever sexually have anything to do with her.
HE CLAIMS BECAUSE SHE WAS WITH A AFRICAN AMERICAN MALE..BUT.... HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN WHO WAS IN SAME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN THEY MEANT AND STARTED DATING and he said thats different cuz they werent married. Which I dont see the diffence..DO YOU??
I said I dont beleive its just friendship, they talk on daily basis. Do favors all the time for each other.
I asked if he would like me to bow out so they could try again and he said no he wants me.
But he doesnt show me any repect to the fact that because of things being the way they are I dont want her here in my home.
Yes, I've had to open the door to an ex, except I was outside opening his door and she was inside jumping on him.
Anyway, no, I don't see the difference. 2 women he was with both dated african american men. He's weird to say there is any difference. So, does he live in the home with you? Is it your home, or his...name on the lease? Just a technicality. Esp if you lived in a home and he moved in...you definately have a right to say you don't want her there. Yeah, he has kids with the women, but as you said, they are grown and on their own, so what is she doing coming around to see them where you live? I think that's kind of unexceptable. I don't know if other posters would agree, but I'd also feel VERY uncomfortable in that situation. In my experience, when you have a gut feeling about something, when you see the suttle looks and actions...you can pretty much bet there is something going on.
Have you had trust issues in the past? If not you probably want to go with your gut instinct with this one. If you have had trust issues, maybe he's innocent and you need to talk to a counselor to see how to deal with them. Either way, you need to speak up for yourself. If he doesn't respect the fact that you don't want someone he was in love with and married in your home, then you need to get rid of him. It's all about trust and respect and it doesn't sound like you have either.
Good luck.
honey, the problem is NOT his ex wife. the problem is HIM. HE is the one who is maintaining a close relationship with an ex, while he is in a committed relationship with YOU. now - from what you are saying here, *I* certainly don't know if anything is going on between them. they have kids together, they were together for a long time - i could see where they would continue to be *friends*. the question is - what kind of relationship do you and he have? are you living together? in whose house? where are the kids? if she is supposed to be spending time with the kids - why is she doing it at "his" house? why not at her house? this doesn't make sense.
Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!
This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.
Carrie
I have lived with alcoholics and physically abusive people, and I swear I haven't hurt this bad in my heart, soul and mind, so its time I cut the ties. Ill miss his grandbabies enormously.
They have been a huge part of my life for 2 yrs. No I meant what I said, I have to cut ALL the ties. If Im part of there life, the way this family works, I have to be part of him.
That I can not do.
What opened my eyes was what an friend said to me yesterday...I lost the self confidence I had, I lost the faith in human beings and the love that it brings. I lost my happiness and willingness to live normally. I no longer strive for a beautiful home or care about how I look. (I used to love home decor) I used to have hobbies, friends.......I have nothing now.
Has anyone ever came so close to feeling they lost there minds and they cant conversate?
Its like I have a ton of things to say....I just dont say them because I dont think it will come out right? He took it all away. I feel paralyzed. Physically drained. To the point that I dont think I could ever endure another relationship. But I will. I have survived much worse, I just need to get away from him. I will just be alot more judgemental in the next. Thanks for listening.......much love and respect for you all that have helped. Jewel