Very confused
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| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:00am |
I have been dating this guy for a few months. Things went very quickly in the beginning, but as we are both in our 30's I figured we just finally found the "right" ones. After awhile he started to backpedal. When we talked about it, he said he was scared, and didn't want to end up running away, so he wanted to slow things down. I was good with that.
Over the holidays was very stressful for us. I had baggage from a former relationship color some things, and then I was at my parent's for 2 weeks. He got the flu towards the end of my time away, but insisted on picking me up at the airport on NYE. He then dropped me off and said see ya later. I got upset because I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, and it was new year's eve. I stewed for awhile and realized that there had been tension in our relationship all through the holidays. So I went over to his house with our presents (we hadn't opened them yet). I told him things didn't feel right, I couldn't accept the gifts, and though I didn't want to break up with him, I didn't know what else to do. He asked if we could talk about it the next day, as he was still quite ill and had just taken medicine.
The next day we had a good talk, opened presents and everything seemed ok. The main point I got across was that I needed him to try too. Everything was fine for a couple of days. He even called for lunch one day, and when I told him to just go home and get in bed because he was still sick, he said "I'm TRYING here. Let's get lunch".
The following day we had plans, he called early to confirm. When I was about ready to leave to meet him, he called. He said that he didn't want me to come over, he wasn't happy and he didn't want to do this anymore. I was quite calm about the whole thing (shock I believe) and I told him that my feelings for him were not going to change overnight. He wanted to take a week to think about things, and aborted my attempts at making this a clean breakup (he has some stuff of mine that I need, etc.). He even told me not to go see a movie that we were planning on seeing together, because we would still do that.
Now I do have to add a few details. He told me that he believed I was "the one" after we dated for a few weeks. He told his family that I am "the one". "I love you" is a common phrase for him to say to me, and he says that he hasn't told anyone that ever before. In the breakup converstaion he did comment that he wanted to remain friends. We have been having issues related to sex because he hasn't been fully able to participate (and that is making him feel inadequate). When I asked him if he was still attracted to me he said he was. I asked him why he didn't let things end on NYE, and he said we wasn't sure then. And of course there is the inevitable "it's me not you", though in this case I totally agree with that statement. He does have some insecurities that I'm aware of, and I am a bit of a self-confident woman.
I am trying to figure out where I am on this situation, or if the entire thing is actually over and I don't have to worry about what I think. I truly want to believe that he is scared and doesn't know how to handle it, but I am afraid if I give him that benefit of the doubt that I will get hurt again.

He is obviously not willing to let go 100% but he isn't doing you any favors by holding on to your stuff and not allowing a clean break.
You have to take control here. Tell him you want your stuff back and you are moving on. If he changes his mind yet again you need to say ground rules and clarity on what he wants or you will go back and forth. You don't need this.
Good luck
Gina