Very confused......(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2008
Very confused......(long)
2
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 9:32am

Ok, I have been a relationship with my current girlfriend for 8 and a half years. We have been through a lot in that time period including a broken engagement (the engagement was broken 8/2005 because of something I regretfully did). For the next year after the broken engagement we were off and on and I finally decided in 8/2006 that I truly wanted to be with her. We worked things out and she allowed me back in her life. Since then, we have more a less went about things on a daily basis, not really talking much about the future. A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she thinks we need some separation. We had a heart to heart and she told me that she doesn't think it is a bad thing. Also to note, the night we had this heart to heart and she decided we need some separation, she sent me a text about and hour after I left that said "We are going to be ok, we just need this right now". For the first week of the "separation", she pretty much called me daily and we had small talk. Every time I wanted to bring up the "separation" she said she wasn't ready to talk and she felt like I was pressuring her. 4/12 was my birthday and she called me several times and told me happy b-day and she said she had a gift for me. After that, she did not call for 3 days until 4/15. We had a small discussion and she told me she wanted to drop off my b-day gift at my place that night. I told her if we weren't going to be able to discuss things, then I don't think it would be a good idea. She basically agreed. I told her what I would like to do when she's ready is to sit down, she can tell me how she feels, and I will tell her how I feel and she can then give me the b-day gift. For the next week, until 4/22 there were no calls or text messages. She sent me a text 4/22 in the afternoon that said, "We need to talk sometime this week, and I want to give you your b-day gift too". After texting back and forth about where, she told me again, "I'm just really confused, but I want to give you your b-day gift". I told her let me know the time and place and she said "Okay, I will call you tomorrow, have a nice day". I'm not sure how to interpret this especially the fact that she keeps bringing up the b-day gift thing. Everyone seems to think she is using that as an Icebreaker so that she can see me and as much as I try to convince myself that maybe that’s the case, I can't. I was just looking for a little bit of insight from you all on what you think she may be feeling. I love this girl to death and she means the world to me. As hard as it has been, I've tried to respect her decision to have some separation and have not contacted her. I feel its a good thing that she initiated contact after only a week of no communication. Once again, any insight would be helpful. I really and truly don't believe that she is seeing someone else. I mean, a month ago, everything was perfectly normal. We got into an argument and it kind of escalated from there. This girl is a whole different breed from other girls around the same age (27). She isn't in any way a party type girl and her main concern is taking care of her responsibilities. She told me there are things that I need to change and I have totally realized that throughout this situation. I have also acted upon this by starting to see a counselor and by also attempting to get a part-time job to help my financial situation. One other key here is that since the broken engagement, she has not yet brought me back around her family. She tells me she fears that if she does, I will do the same thing as I did before. I think she may have realized that we are both 27 and need to begin planning a future and acting upon it. IDK, just explaining the situation a little more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 9:56am

I'm not sure why you two continue to date one another.
I assume you cheated on her in 2005. If you wronged her badly enough that you decided to break an engagement to get married, I assume that it was quite bad. If she still has not recovered from that, then the correct course of action for her would be to break up with you for good and not take you back. But instead she is playing games.

I'm sorry, a break does not help a relationship, it hurts it. As a couple, you do not need to separate, she's doing this individually because for some reason she does not want to be with you at the moment. She's stringing you along until she decides what to do. It sounds as though this will go one of two ways:
-She will continue to act hot-and-cold toward you until she decides to break up with you
-Or, you two will just continue a half-arsed relationship that is not marriage material until it eventually ends on its own.

I don't see this girl as enthusiastic enough about your relationship to make it worthwhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 1:01pm

Welcome to the board jason1909,


While the gift might be an icebreaker, the fact that she doesn't want to talk about the separation or the relationship is more telling to me.


I'm not a fan of breaks and while you are not the one asking for a break, this might help anyway:


When he asks for space (aka, "a break") - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1


Other reading material to consider:


Five Love Langagues, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw
Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis (it's written for women, but I think you could get just as much from it, heck, maybe you can read it with her?)