Very long, can this be saved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Very long, can this be saved?
4
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:24pm
This is a long story, but I really wanted to get some outside perspective. So thank you to anyone who has the patience to get through this.

My boyfriend and I (of over 3.5 years, living together 7 months) have been having lots of quibbling lately. The main issue is money (of course!) and his lack of ability to manage his well (he frequently isn’t able to pay bills, rent, or things we need like grocery on time or fully). This stresses me out because I make more than 1/3 less than him and am always on time with my portion (of half!) of our bills. I am then left to make the difference between the bill and what he gives me to pay for it. I don’t make an awful lot (I only work 25 hours a week because I am still a full time student) and I feel very resentful about having to take money from my savings, other bills, and other things I want to do with MY money. He owes me well over $1500 along with $900 in line of credit advances he took from our join account into his personal account (that was the bank’s fault not his, but he still spent the money and needs to pay it back) as well as $280 for bills last month (his half of things!) that I shelled out for him.

Anyhow, last Monday I guess he was doing some thinking and was sick of all the fighting (yea me too, but hey I NEED the money for my bills too and he has so much more) and decided he would move out of our apartment. He did not tell me anything about this, even though I spoke with him during that day. He moved down to where I am (Virginia, DC area) from Massachusetts this summer so we could live together, before that he lived in his parent’s house. He came home during the day and got all of his things out of the apartment and put them into his car (again, I was unaware of this) and called his mom to drive more than 450 miles each way to come get him and bring him home. He told his place of employment (a great job working as a mechanic in the body shop of Mercedes!) that his father has fallen ill and he needed to get to him and did not know when he would be back. His mother offered to come get him Friday and there is a friend in town he could have stayed with for a little while (and kept working!) but instead he begged her to come get him that same day and she finally agreed. I got home from work that day and gave him a call to see what he was up to (this is what we usually do) and he didn’t mention anything to me about moving out. I didn’t notice anything unusual in the living room as all the furniture was there and nothing looking out of place to me, but then again I wasn’t looking that hard either. He called me back awhile later and told me that my hat was in his car and he would drop it by later, I was confused and he finally told me he has left (I looked in the closest and he had!). I got off the phone with him and was obviously very upset. He came by about an hour and a half after that and he talked and decided he would stay with me. We agreed to go to the hotel his mother was staying at together (he had originally lied and said he was staying with a friend only after a bit had a found out the irrational things he had actually done). When we got there she was extremely angry (as she should be because she drove so far for nothing. She has always hated me, which I suspect has something to do with jealousy and me taking her baby away and the such. Well she said that they were at least going to go to dinner and he got in her car and left me in the parking lot! Thank goodness I had my own car but I had some drinks and don’t drive drunk so I didn’t know what to do! He had driven there because I didn’t feel OK to drive and I couldn’t imagine that he would leave me in the parking lot. I guess the anger sobered me up because eventually I was OK enough to go back to my apartment. He finally called me and I reminded him that we were going to do this a couple (he has major mom issues and I want him to finally take some responsibility and face up to her!) he said he would call me RIGHT back after he’s told her this. I get annoyed after over 45 minutes and call him back, he asks me to drive to the hotel and come pick him up. I do this and he spends the next several hours trying to decide whether to stay or go. Finally he decides to stay and we go to sleep. The next day he goes over there and tells her. He said he would be back by 9am and when he didn’t even call by 9:30 I started getting very worried and called him. He said he was sitting in his car trying to decide. I was getting pretty angry because he had made a commitment the previous night and I didn’t think he was going to be doing anything other than telling her. He told me to give him an hour and then he would definitely call me (that’s 10:30). It was 11:00 when I finally got too sick with worry and called him. He tried to stall me more but I had finally had enough told him to either come home with me or go home with his mother. He decided to come home with me and finally got to the apartment! I was home from school because I was simply to upset to go.

Here is what my problem is. I can’t get over the fact that he did this to me. He was planning to leave me caring and paying for our two cats (who both need to be spayed NOW) the apartment (which I can’t afford on my own) all the bills, the money he owes me, and everything else. He said he intended to pay me, but he wouldn’t have a job when he moves back home so I don’t know how he was planning on doing that. I was so upset that he planned to do this too me I wonder if the only reason I wanted him to stay is so that I could get at least some of my money back from him. I don’t get any of my money back and he doesn’t pay the credit line balance and half of the cat’s operations (about 500 for both!) and doesn’t pay half of the rent at least this month (because I had no time to prepare for this) I would be in complete financial ruin. It would take all my money and a lot on credit to make it through the end of this month and beginning of next. I have taken control of his finances (his checks and cards) and plan on paying all his bills along with myself as quickly as possible and only giving him a certain amount to blow each month. I can’t even think about whether I even still love this guy because I am worried sick about my financial future. I know it sounds terrible but the only thing I want from his is MONEY. Not his money spent on me for frivolous things, but my own money back!

The other issue I am having with this is his “mommy” and younger sister. He doesn’t act like a grown and go to his friends to stay for a few days (his mom offered to get him Friday but he begged her to come the same day! He could have gotten a cooling off period and not unconvinced her) or talk to me about it before he does something drastic (that screws me in the process) but instead he cried like a baby to him mom and begged her to take him home. His father refused to come because he didn’t believe that my boyfriend would go through with it (smart man, people need a cooling off and thinking period). His mother liked me for almost a year until we got serious. Then she had hated me (saying it was because I used her son and treated him like crap and a bunch of other lies) and says very nasty and hurtful things about me to my boyfriend (who says nothing to her until I finally threw a fit and said he could either stand up to her or kiss a future relationship with me good bye!). I don’t intend to let this nasty women trample all over me. I believe if he wants us to be together forever he must side with me and his priority has to be the new family we’re trying to make and if it isn’t I am not interested. I wouldn’t push this if it were a new relationship or something temporary but we’ve been together for 3 years and 7 months. The other problem is with his sister. I guess he tells her stuff when he’s mad or frustrated and I don’t think he should. She is too young to understand an adult live in type relationship and she only knows half of a half of a story. She tells me that she thinks he should move home for 6 months so his mom can help him get on his feet. I asked her if she thought that living with him mom would teach him how to be an adult, and she says he would only live with his mom for a little while and then he and her would get an apartment together. She wants him to come home so they can hang out, which I understand but is this a reasonable reason to move out of your mutual apartment with your girlfriend???? This seems insane to me!!! She goes on to tell me that she knows “we love each other and all that” but he needs to learn responsibility and should move home. Hello!!!!! His responsibility is the year lease he signed, the job he accepted, the pets he adopted, and the bill he agreed to take on when we got cable, phone, and all the rest of it!!!!! I don’t think she has any right to talk to me about this. I want him to stop talking to her about such details of our relationship.

Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I insane? Is he? Any and all opinions welcome, please!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:36pm
Get a grip. A man who has a job and can't support his own independent livestyle asked you to live with him so that you could support his "independent" lifestyle.

Face facts...that is why he asked you to move in. Quite likely his parents were supplementing his income up to now....quite likely he's sporadically worked until now thus "justifying" their assistance. Maybe he has roommates up to now that came and went like a revolving door because they got "financially shafted" by him.

The point is...what he can't do for himself - he cannot do "with" you - even with assistance.

The man got with you for benefits, ease, convenience, and opportunity - and if you're not going to provide that without obligation or commitment from him - he's outta there.

he's proven it...he was leaving you with an apartment you can't afford, cats you can't spay, and bills you can't pay.....because "that was his solution to his financial dilemma".

And now, like a parent...you've arrested control of his finances. So, precisely how long do you think he's actually going to work where you're aware of his income? About a week or two.

Look, you can't control life...but that is precisely what you're attempting to do and will be attempting to do as long as you're with an immature, unreasonable, illogical, irresponsible partner in life.

He's hte "baby" anytime he wants he can call home and somene will bring him a bottle and blanket and wrap him up and take him home...you ought to let them!

Because what you'll NEVER see as long as you live is whatever he owes you now in terms of money. Just keep adding to the amount thinking that you "must spend to make" and you'll find out this is one dead-end investment. I know, I did this in FOUR relationships!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:49pm


Your definition of responsibility is more on the money than his is. He made commitments - job, pets, lease and he's unable to keep them. He's still running home to mommy (calling her to come pick him up, moving home, SAVE ME), sharing his relationship problems with his mom and sister means they only hear the bad stuff and never hear the good stuff, which makes them dislike you and the situation he is in.

Let him go. He needs to grow up and he's not going to do it with you. Nor is he going to separate himself from his mom, when you have taken over that role to some degree.

As hard as it is, let him go away and grow up.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:28pm
Thank you two for getting through that long mess. For the first poster. You've got it partially right. We're young so he hasnt had a chance to do all that yet (though i dont know if I really put it past him). He live with his parents and I lived in Virginia. He moved down here with me and it was going OK for a little while. He was just buying things he didnt need and going out when he didn't have the money. He told me that he thought i wanted him ou immediatly (which I have to admit if I was financially sound alone in the apartment i would want that!) so he decided to leave. I got furious because it just seemed like such a selfish move, and counter productive (he told me he wanted to "grow up" but you can't do that in mommy's house).

We're both 20, which i didn't want to say before because people tend to discount what I have to say because of my young age. while I dont suspect that will be the case here, i did want to get my story out and not be judged "immature" immediatly. Like I said we've been together for 3.5 years. This will be the third year I will be living along in my own apartment without the support of my parents (except for half of my tuition, which they offer to pick up for me, I think thats more than enough of a contribution and wouldnt want them paying for anything else, they need to save for retirement).

I have a hard time accepting that a grown person runs back to his parents like that. I have had plenty of hard times, I've been lonely and scared and unsure I was going to make it to the next month without going nuts but I never considered giving up on everything and moving back home. I would consider myself a failure (unless it was for a legitimate reason)

I dont think he's going to leave his job. He's always been responsible with everything except for those things that have to do with me. He treats everyone better than me and i think its because he thinks we're a couple so he can relax and that others need to be treated nicer so they will think well of him.

I know I should leave him. I dont think I love him anymore, and if I do love him this financial situation needs to be taken care of. People who dont pay bills drive me nuts. The three years I have had credit i have never made a late payment, ever, and as a result i have a score in 700s and a lot of unused credit available. I dont want to mess that up. I just want my money from him and after that I dont know if we can work it out. As childish and selfish as it sounds I do not think i can fix anything in our relationship until he at least makes an effort to get me back my money. I can't expect it all at once ( its a lot! and he's spent everything he has) but i do want him to at minimum pay all the bills on time (just his half!)and make regular monthly (or biweekly when he gets paid) payments to me and the overdraft line of credit until everything is paid off. I hope thats not unreasonable.

Thank you for writing, you can imagine how helpful it is to have an outsider give me persective on this. I know he should be gone from my life, it just doesnt seem possible at this point in time, though I am hoping it will be in a few months. I welcome any other comments anyone else has! Thanks again.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 3:42pm
Hon, here's the thing.

If you want him out - you set up a bill payment schedule, he's not on a lease, and you've got to realize that he's never lived a complete, independent, successful, secure life - and so he was making a common judgement error.

Most people get into the first relationships on their lives in the only "relationship dynamic" they know. And that dynamic is not equality based or mutually beneficial - it's a parent/child dynamic.

He's still the baby.....he can cry in the crib and mommy comes running to soothe and placate and fix. He simply ran to you as if you were "mommy #2" - figuring that the relationship with you wouldn't make him do anything he already wasn't (budget, handle responsibility) but it would offer himi more options and opportunities - regular sex, the appearance of being mature.

If you put out there his "half" of the responsibilities and if he doesn't meet them - you're going to kick him out....he'll leave before you finish writing the list.

Long distance relationships tend to have another difficulty to overcome. The stages of a relationship are the same whether close up - or long distance.

Infatuation is the first 3-9 months ofany relationship. IT's basically "I love the way your desire makes me feel about myself, I can't get enough of you". In that period, most everything is structured and choreographed to please and impress you - to keep the desire coming at him - so that his gets those same feelings about himiself via you that he got in this relationship for. And that works on the flip side, as well for you.

After that period of time - it's just not as possible to carefully structure and organize every situation to please, impress, to cater to and "fix" the lives of the eople you're with. YOu have a bad day, a job loss, an engine in the car blows up, etc. and you begin to "need them" in terms of support and alliance and to know they'll "be there for you".

That problem is intensfied in a long-distance equation. Because most of what you know about them is hearsay. They say it, you hear it, most of the time you spend together is designd to impress and please - so what they say you have to interpret and define by your own standards and values and definitions - and you're not so sure they share them because you don't interact 1-on-1 in real life without a "structured dynamic". So infatuation takes lots longer to dissipate in a long-distance equation.

You can't know another person better than you nkow yourself. This guy doesn't know whta he wants in life, what he stands for, where he's headed or how he's going to get there....and before you lose your savings and your credit - what you need is to get him out of your life and your bed.

Because in some states....you're common law married for cohabitating so long together. In which case you're legally liable for his debts and encumbrances and people that figure out he won't pay - are going to hit up the source that will pay if she doesn't want her credit to go down the toilet.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com