Very sad & confused
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Very sad & confused
| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:43pm |
I'm 20 and I have a five month old son. When I got pregnant my boyfriend and I both made the decision to keep the baby. He said he would stand behind me no matter what. He's always been a very loving man with me up until I was about 7 months pregnant. He started going out a lot with his friends, coming home late, not paying attention to me at all, being extremely irresponsible. At the eigth month of my pregnancy he left me. I moved out of his house back with my family. He said I fought too much and I thought that was just an excuse. About two weeks after he left, he came back to me. The baby was born and he was there. He was a great father and boyfriend the first 3 months. Then I noticed he started acting strange again. He wouldnt put much effort in to our relationship, would fight about the smallest things until he finally left again. His excuse was that I didnt like his ways and he said that maybe we needed to be apart to learn to appreciate each other. He completely abandoned me and his son, which I found very strange. Last Sunday he called me and asked me to come over to talk. We spoke about nothing important really. When he fell asleep I was looking through his phone and I found two pictures of a naked girl and one of him and the girl together hugging (clothes on). When I confronted him about it he yelled at me. He said that he didnt do anything wrong because we are broken up and he kicked me out. He was furious. We havent spoken since. I dont think i can forgive that but I am really devastated for the time being. How do i handle this situation???? HELP!!

He's looking to reconnect to the "fun times" with you - while leaving all the responsibilities, obligations, and requirements at YOUR feet with regard to your needs, or providership and raising of the child.
HE's a child himself...you're a child, as well.
Neither of you are self-complete, self-identified, self-responsible people - you haven't had enough life experiences to know what you want, what you believe, what you value and priorities, and how you're going to become who you wish to be in terms of a personal identity.
But, now YOU are raising a child, and having the full responsibility. He's going to come and go at will, out of your life and the child's if you'll permit. But he's not wanting obligation, responsiblity and requirement 24/7 while it requires concession, compromise, and communication.
He's basically sleeping wtih you again if you'll let him...and if you're letting him thinking that it means he's committed to or might recommit to you - you're sadly mistaken.
For the sake of your child, who likely wil grow up primarily WITHOUT him in its life....you ought to consider going to court and getting support and visitation mandated by the court.
That way, when in the future the child wants to know why daddy doesn't visit or care, or associate with either one of you....it won't be thru any miscommunication or warped perception that "you ran daddy off and that's why I don't have a dad".
It'll be because daddy didn't want to live up to his obligations and responsiblities which wre throughout outlined, and neither di dhe want to participate in the joy and enjoyment of interacting with you and he clearly had that option and opportunity.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It's not you. YOU are NOT less than because of his actions, choices, behavior or decisions. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, and slowly you will move on with your life and heal.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
when someone is "delighted" that you're in a family way or whatever...waht they're envision is the "fun portions" of that situation or circumstance that they've envisioned.
Well, let's approach this from another viewpoint...because it makes it more clear.
Here's very likely what he "didn't" think about when having unprotected sex and/or hearing that you were pregnant.
He didn't consider that your standards would mean that he would need to communicate honestly with you about everything. That everything he did, said, thought, felt, pursued, desired, envisioned, or decided was now "impacting you" - and so you had a "right' to know things and to be involved in the planning and process of pursuit.
In short, he didnt realize that it meant he had to come home every night, on time to do laundry and shop, or to rub your back when you were 8-months out while being tired and a little depressed about your situation.
He didn't realize that it meant he had to hold a job, provide insurance, that he had to consider your needs, wants, and desires and goals...along with the needs and requirements of the child - 24/7/365 - in equality based consideration with his own.
He didn't realize that there are literally thousands of options nd opportunities that were no longer his to consider or pursue...if he were to be aligned with you permanently, and parent the child responsibly. I"m not talking women either. I'm talking about more education, living abroad for a year or two to gain personal experiences or professional advancement, etc.
He's 20....while he envisioned him being the "grow up" as evidenced by his ability to donate sperm to a cause...he didn't realize that it would require of him constraint, restraint, self-discipline, communication, self-awareness, and a selfless appropriately attitude.
HE didn't realize all that......when he adored you so completely that he couldn't wait to be "with" you in the initimate way, and when you announced "you're a stud because I'm pregnant".
what he wasn't doing was "lying to you". What he likely did not do is intentionally say that he wanted the child, that he'd provide well and support you and the child in every way - with the beforehand knowledge that he didn't want the commitment, obligation, responsiblities, sacrifice, requirement, and selfless actions.
He just wasn't thinking all that was involved....when he said he wanted a baby. A baby to hold, to play with, to cuddle, to play catch with...is not "I want to hold jobs I don't particularly like, and do chores and tasks I don't particuly enjoy, and I want to give up some of the pursuits and goals and dreams of my life - so that i can raise you to be a complete and secure adult."
If youll notice....as your needs grew with your body changes....as you were less able to do 100% of the effort and work and responsiblity - he grew resentful, and ended the relationship.
And now that the baby is here......he's seeing firsthand how little time you have, how little opportunity you have, how much obligation and responsibility parenthood is. And he doesn't want that in his life 24/7...he wants the fun part...but not the work part.
And that's not uncommon in young people....because htey haven't gone out into the world, become who they want to be, and developed an objective basis for determining their goals and needs in life - and gone out and met their appropriately so that they realize how responsible they are for creating a great life by their own definitions and standards and efforts.
But....what you really should give focus to is the child. Because in keeping this child, in naming in on the birth certificate - you've limited your options and future in life. Not necessarily in the negative 100%..but you've limited your options and potential.
So, you're going to raise this child, with the education that you've got, with the people surrounding you that you have as a support network. But you're the "mother' - this child is going to look to you to provide the emotional stability and balance...and it's from you thatt his child is going to glean thier "perception of self and life."
And I've been you...and I really screwed it up...and the results of screwing it up don't hurt you nearly as badly as it destroys your child...which you can't do anything about once you've done it.
So......this child having a dad that comes and goes, with no set obligations...is likely to think at some point that the differences between you two are what is causing dad to "avoid/ignore" me....you don't want the child ever to think that you didn't consider it your top priority. And in doing that - if you can - you sholuld get along with without sleeping with - "dad" ever again....nless you and dad reunite in an equality ased relationship.
And if you're willing to get along with dad for the child's sake....have a set outline of support and visitation is a very good foundation to build on. Taht way - you know what to expect from him (but never count on it till the check cashes!) and he knows what he has the right to in terms of visitation, and summer custody, and holiday times.
that way - if he doesn't want to participate in parenting....he won't and he'll likely stay away due to violating the support agreement. Which is much more factual in nature a reason that the child can accept as to why "daddy doesn't have anything to do with me". That doesn't allow the child to think that YOU are the reason that dad is uninvolved...and most importantly it doesn't allow the child to believe for a minute that they are the reason that "dad left".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
That doesn't give him instant fatherhood skills and the desire and need to be responsible. He was romanticising the idea of having a baby around. He is very young and can't handle all that is involved. He is also choosing not to handle it, come to terms with it and find a way to grow up.
This is unfortunate for you and for the child.
You mention the problems that he told you he had with the relationship. Are they valid? Did you fight to much? Did he feel unappreciated? If so, so baby is going to fix the problems.
If he wants to work it out, seek a counselor to stabilize the realtiosnhip for the sake of the baby. If not, figure out how you are going to handle being a single parent.