Very sad & confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Very sad & confused
7
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:43pm
I'm 20 and I have a five month old son. When I got pregnant my boyfriend and I both made the decision to keep the baby. He said he would stand behind me no matter what. He's always been a very loving man with me up until I was about 7 months pregnant. He started going out a lot with his friends, coming home late, not paying attention to me at all, being extremely irresponsible. At the eigth month of my pregnancy he left me. I moved out of his house back with my family. He said I fought too much and I thought that was just an excuse. About two weeks after he left, he came back to me. The baby was born and he was there. He was a great father and boyfriend the first 3 months. Then I noticed he started acting strange again. He wouldnt put much effort in to our relationship, would fight about the smallest things until he finally left again. His excuse was that I didnt like his ways and he said that maybe we needed to be apart to learn to appreciate each other. He completely abandoned me and his son, which I found very strange. Last Sunday he called me and asked me to come over to talk. We spoke about nothing important really. When he fell asleep I was looking through his phone and I found two pictures of a naked girl and one of him and the girl together hugging (clothes on). When I confronted him about it he yelled at me. He said that he didnt do anything wrong because we are broken up and he kicked me out. He was furious. We havent spoken since. I dont think i can forgive that but I am really devastated for the time being. How do i handle this situation???? HELP!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:04pm
Hon...you need to really understand something. He's not seeking reconciliation with you in an equality based relationship to make a commitment to you and the child for a lifetime.

He's looking to reconnect to the "fun times" with you - while leaving all the responsibilities, obligations, and requirements at YOUR feet with regard to your needs, or providership and raising of the child.

HE's a child himself...you're a child, as well.

Neither of you are self-complete, self-identified, self-responsible people - you haven't had enough life experiences to know what you want, what you believe, what you value and priorities, and how you're going to become who you wish to be in terms of a personal identity.

But, now YOU are raising a child, and having the full responsibility. He's going to come and go at will, out of your life and the child's if you'll permit. But he's not wanting obligation, responsiblity and requirement 24/7 while it requires concession, compromise, and communication.

He's basically sleeping wtih you again if you'll let him...and if you're letting him thinking that it means he's committed to or might recommit to you - you're sadly mistaken.

For the sake of your child, who likely wil grow up primarily WITHOUT him in its life....you ought to consider going to court and getting support and visitation mandated by the court.

That way, when in the future the child wants to know why daddy doesn't visit or care, or associate with either one of you....it won't be thru any miscommunication or warped perception that "you ran daddy off and that's why I don't have a dad".

It'll be because daddy didn't want to live up to his obligations and responsiblities which wre throughout outlined, and neither di dhe want to participate in the joy and enjoyment of interacting with you and he clearly had that option and opportunity.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:17pm
Thank you. I needed a straight forward answer. Before a baby was ever in the picture he would fall to his knees for me and now he's a complete stranger to me. In your opinion, what do you think happened to him?? He wanted this baby, he was soo happy when he found out I was pregnant. I don't understand and I think that I need to understand that in order to move on and begin thinking clearly again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:42pm
Some people are happy when something happens (like getting preg) but then the day-to-day routines of life make them feel overwhelmed, fear the future, fear committment, fear of what they are giving up to grow up, be responsible, etc.

It's not you. YOU are NOT less than because of his actions, choices, behavior or decisions. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, and slowly you will move on with your life and heal.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:45pm
It's simple....but don't obsess about it to your own destruction.

when someone is "delighted" that you're in a family way or whatever...waht they're envision is the "fun portions" of that situation or circumstance that they've envisioned.

Well, let's approach this from another viewpoint...because it makes it more clear.

Here's very likely what he "didn't" think about when having unprotected sex and/or hearing that you were pregnant.

He didn't consider that your standards would mean that he would need to communicate honestly with you about everything. That everything he did, said, thought, felt, pursued, desired, envisioned, or decided was now "impacting you" - and so you had a "right' to know things and to be involved in the planning and process of pursuit.

In short, he didnt realize that it meant he had to come home every night, on time to do laundry and shop, or to rub your back when you were 8-months out while being tired and a little depressed about your situation.

He didn't realize that it meant he had to hold a job, provide insurance, that he had to consider your needs, wants, and desires and goals...along with the needs and requirements of the child - 24/7/365 - in equality based consideration with his own.


He didn't realize that there are literally thousands of options nd opportunities that were no longer his to consider or pursue...if he were to be aligned with you permanently, and parent the child responsibly. I"m not talking women either. I'm talking about more education, living abroad for a year or two to gain personal experiences or professional advancement, etc.

He's 20....while he envisioned him being the "grow up" as evidenced by his ability to donate sperm to a cause...he didn't realize that it would require of him constraint, restraint, self-discipline, communication, self-awareness, and a selfless appropriately attitude.

HE didn't realize all that......when he adored you so completely that he couldn't wait to be "with" you in the initimate way, and when you announced "you're a stud because I'm pregnant".

what he wasn't doing was "lying to you". What he likely did not do is intentionally say that he wanted the child, that he'd provide well and support you and the child in every way - with the beforehand knowledge that he didn't want the commitment, obligation, responsiblities, sacrifice, requirement, and selfless actions.

He just wasn't thinking all that was involved....when he said he wanted a baby. A baby to hold, to play with, to cuddle, to play catch with...is not "I want to hold jobs I don't particularly like, and do chores and tasks I don't particuly enjoy, and I want to give up some of the pursuits and goals and dreams of my life - so that i can raise you to be a complete and secure adult."

If youll notice....as your needs grew with your body changes....as you were less able to do 100% of the effort and work and responsiblity - he grew resentful, and ended the relationship.

And now that the baby is here......he's seeing firsthand how little time you have, how little opportunity you have, how much obligation and responsibility parenthood is. And he doesn't want that in his life 24/7...he wants the fun part...but not the work part.

And that's not uncommon in young people....because htey haven't gone out into the world, become who they want to be, and developed an objective basis for determining their goals and needs in life - and gone out and met their appropriately so that they realize how responsible they are for creating a great life by their own definitions and standards and efforts.

But....what you really should give focus to is the child. Because in keeping this child, in naming in on the birth certificate - you've limited your options and future in life. Not necessarily in the negative 100%..but you've limited your options and potential.

So, you're going to raise this child, with the education that you've got, with the people surrounding you that you have as a support network. But you're the "mother' - this child is going to look to you to provide the emotional stability and balance...and it's from you thatt his child is going to glean thier "perception of self and life."

And I've been you...and I really screwed it up...and the results of screwing it up don't hurt you nearly as badly as it destroys your child...which you can't do anything about once you've done it.

So......this child having a dad that comes and goes, with no set obligations...is likely to think at some point that the differences between you two are what is causing dad to "avoid/ignore" me....you don't want the child ever to think that you didn't consider it your top priority. And in doing that - if you can - you sholuld get along with without sleeping with - "dad" ever again....nless you and dad reunite in an equality ased relationship.

And if you're willing to get along with dad for the child's sake....have a set outline of support and visitation is a very good foundation to build on. Taht way - you know what to expect from him (but never count on it till the check cashes!) and he knows what he has the right to in terms of visitation, and summer custody, and holiday times.

that way - if he doesn't want to participate in parenting....he won't and he'll likely stay away due to violating the support agreement. Which is much more factual in nature a reason that the child can accept as to why "daddy doesn't have anything to do with me". That doesn't allow the child to think that YOU are the reason that dad is uninvolved...and most importantly it doesn't allow the child to believe for a minute that they are the reason that "dad left".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:00pm
Get a lawyer and take the useless pr!ck to court. a good friend on mine went through the same BS for just under 4 years and I'd hate to see it happen to some one else cause it does take it's toll on the kid too. If he's any kind of man at all ,even if you two are not together, he should at least be a father to his son. But if he's doing this stuff now whats going to stop him if you don't. So I guess what I'm trying to say if forget about him and start looking out for your self and you son cause it sounds to me like he won't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:39pm
'He wanted this baby, he was soo happy when he found out I was pregnant.'

That doesn't give him instant fatherhood skills and the desire and need to be responsible. He was romanticising the idea of having a baby around. He is very young and can't handle all that is involved. He is also choosing not to handle it, come to terms with it and find a way to grow up.

This is unfortunate for you and for the child.

You mention the problems that he told you he had with the relationship. Are they valid? Did you fight to much? Did he feel unappreciated? If so, so baby is going to fix the problems.

If he wants to work it out, seek a counselor to stabilize the realtiosnhip for the sake of the baby. If not, figure out how you are going to handle being a single parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 2:52pm
Well I am very close to his family and they have all been calling me to tell me that they cant believe what he's been doing and that this isnt like him. And I am not blind. The truth is that the way he is behaving is not like him. I don't know what is going on with him. We did fight a lot and it was both of our faults since we both have extremely strong characters. However, he chose to go out with his friends and break free from all the responsibilities we've managed to accumulate together and ditch them all on me. I dont know how to forgive that even though I love him. Maybe one day we will get back but in the mean time I think i need to put my foot down and take him to court and set him free in the aspect of the relationship. I think hes just afraid of what his life is going to become. In addition, his friends are all single and they are losers without jobs or responsibility. I think they have also played a part in his disappearance. He admitted to his mother that he is easily influenced by peer pressure. There is also the factor that I do not like his best friend. I use to like him but i just saw that he wasnt a true friend to my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and he always used him for everything he's got. Hes also played a huge role in our separation because i've heard them talking to each other and he had nothing good to say except negative things about me. I have told my ex many times what this "best friend" is all about. Huge mistake because i think that is one of the reasons he left and is rebelling out of the blue.