A very sad fireman, need some advice....
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| Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:21pm |
My first was a girl who I fell pretty hard for, we ended up dating for around 5 years. It ended with her leaving me for a guy who sold drugs, among other things. It took me 2 years to get over this, to heal and start again and that was when I met my second love.
This one lasted 7 years, it was troubled as she had been abused, she never cheated but emotionally, by the time this was over, she would start the craziest arguements and you could never win. I didn't make enough money for her family and it ended with her breaking up with me. She didn't do it nicely either. The venom that came from her for many months, was not needed and only added pain to what I already had. It again took me a year, before I could move on. I thought I had met the person I was fated to be with next. We had so many weird things that had happened in the past where we had been linked. I fell probably harder for her than anyone else. It ended only 6 months later, she lied to me about herself, she was a big drug user (Think I met her when she was on a break) and ended up cheating on me with a guy a full head shorter than me, with a criminal record and 2 failed marriages.
Once again, one year later and I'm minding my own business at the firehouse one night. One of the guys who worked there at the time, invited her sister, who brought a friend. I wanted to date her after seing her and getting to know a little about her, but there was an age difference. She's now 22 and I'm 34. She initially turned me down, but one night on AOL, I found her and we started chatting and sending e-mails. It was one of those things where every question you ask, you get the answer you wanted to hear. We did this for a month before having a date and that started what has been the best relationship I have ever experienced. ALthough younger, she acted in every way, more mature, more level headed than anyone I had ever dated. Everyone was skeptical, including me at the start, but eventually I had to accept the truth she showed in so many ways. I could go on about the letters I have, or the picture album she made for me on our anniversary. I could talk about our romantic concerts, 101 things that make this such a special relationship. She is the only person I've ever just looked at and just teared up for the emotions and love I felt for her. It beat everything I have ever had, or known that someone could have, because she was giving as much, and sometimes more than I was.
The reason why I'm writing is, she broke down 2 weeks ago and told me she didn't know what was wrong, but that she was confused and needed time. Since then, we have had a few discussions, but mainly I have tried to give her space and understand. Just so you'll know. I've lost 18 pounds since we split, I average 3 hours sleep a night and I'm just so lost. We were best friends, never spent more than a day apart and rarely argued as we had so much in common and had personalities that everyone was jealous of when we were out, everybody is shocked we have split.
I'm just trying very hard to understand this. I know 100% that there is no other man invloved. She's been very honest in saying that she cries every night, but just doesn't know whats wrong, or if somethings missing. I'm just so very confused and lost right now. I'm just wondering if people just stop loving for no reason oneday. I would give my world to have another day in hers, but it just seems like I'm once again going down the road I'm so used to. I'm not angry this time, I just don't really know what to think about this. If anyone has been in a similar relationship, I could use the advice. And, any women who might have a clue as to what she might be thinking, or feeling please let me know. I just think that it's so sad to say goodbye when you share something that both, even now admit was so special.
Sorry this was so long and I hope it makes sense...............................
David

There comes a time in the life of every princess who needs rescue -that she wishes to be a queen and rule her own kingdom, to fulfill her destiny, to expand her horizons, and completely develop her potential into reality.
At that point, she stops wanting Lancelot to rescue her from her fears, doubts, inscurities, and anxieties - and she begins to take them on - to become a warrior princess queen on her own merits, by her own definitions, and standards and abilities.
At that point, she'll want just as fearless, just as complete, just as secure a "king" by her side....she won't want to be rescued from herself, she won't want someone always looking out for her and her best interests as they perceive it and covering her losses and shortfalls so that she always "thinks she's great'.
You're incomplete...if you want a brand on it - try "codependent" - you're looking for your "other half" - and you're never going to find it.
You're just going to continue in the pattern that is yours...you're the common denominator. YOu give excessively without knnowing them well, you want to rescue them, complete them, make their lives complete andgive them all you think they desrve...and they take what you have to offer and then leave you hanging when all you have to offer is "not what they want or need."
This girl is your "wake up call" - she's not angry, userous, venomous, vicious, vindictive or destructive...she's just "22 years old".
She's always been her parents daughter, the sibling to her brothers and sisters..she's reaching he point in her life where she's got to define for herself her values, beliefs, standards, ethics, principles, and requirements....she's got to define and always uphold her own values, priorities, boundaries...she's got to define and pursue based on fundamental self-awareness what she wants and why she wants it - so that she's a complete person unto herself and thus can love those in her world that she chooses not for "what htey offer" but for "who they are".
You're the "parent" that has allowed her freedom and independence, while providing the security net and options that up to now - she didn't have. But now she's 22 - more educated, more optioned, more aware that with responsibility to define her destiny comes the freedom to pursue it - she wants that chance...she just is so scared, like we all are, of losing who we are as we identify ourselves thru alliances, positions, possessions, and situations....that in forging all those "identities" she'll be nothing...and remain nothing.
That likely won't happen...but when she becomes self-actualized and complete -what she is not going to have a use for is a "knight in shining armor". She'll be the queen of her castle, the master of her own destiny - and those that can't be those things for themselves and sail in the seas that are mutually defined as success - cannot be in her life.
Take a hint from her...she's going thru at 22..what you didn't go thru by trying to be 'everything to everybody so that you wouldn't have to address that in your own eyes you're nobody unless you're proving useful or beneficial to someone else."
Erin
quickblade142hotmail.com
How long have you been going out with her? (This matters)
Some people (young women) define themselves by relationships, how others feel about them to validate them as desirable, loveable, wanted, etc. She may have been caught up in the whirlwind of the romance, the being in a relationship, exploring it, going from infatuation to 'falling in love' - that she didn't 'check' within her how she really felt about you, herself, the relationship and where it's going.
Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Take care of yourself physically, you need to be 100% for your job. Consider posting here, journal writing to vent what you feel, even write her a few UNSENT letters to express how you feel about her, the 'space' you are giving her, etc. Then burn it.
Also remember YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of her choices, actions, or behavior.
My best to you.
Carrie
I know, i'm not a big "age" thing...i'm 43 and I like to date younger men. And although your age difference is 12 years...it's not the age as much as the "stage of life" you are both at. She's soooo very young and has a lot of life still to live. You are at a different stage in life where perhaps settling down and starting a family might me a priority in your life. I dont think she's going to be at the stage for awhile yet. She still wants to see the world, and not settling down.
I know how much you are hurting..I was actually dating a fireman that to me, was the love of my life, but our timing was wrong and when he left over 2.5 years ago, it still hurts me when llife brings up things in everyday life that reminds me of him. I miss him so.
All the advice i have, all that I can say from my experiences wont take your pain away. But I survived and so willyou. I'm a firm believer that all things in life happen for a reason. That perhaps your timing together is off also. Trust me when I say that if it's meant to be, then the two of you will find each other again. But if it's not..its because life has someone else, more suited to you, in store for you..just around the corner. That's how i've had to accept the love of my life walking away from "us". I say many times...why would life bring this person into my life, bring me sooo much joy andhappiness...make me feel things ive never felt before...experience an amazing connection and bond..only to take it all away?? I have no answers yet...but one day, some day, the "right" one will come along, and i'll have all the answers to all my questions.
Chin up!
Deborah
She wrote me a letter last night, this was after our last goodbye, I had given her some things I thought were special along with a journal with some poems and humorous photos of things we had done. I know she realizes how hurt I am, but I have given her space. I don't understand why she wrote, all it said was that a friend of her was engaged, and wasn't that hilarious? It's totally not like her to act that way, usually she is alot more level headed, I would have thought she would have taken the space she needs and gave me the time I need to accept this. I didn't respond to the e-mail, I hope that wasn't rude, she does know how much I love her, so I didn't think so........
Thanks again for the words, they mean a lot.
D
Her immaturity will show through and you will see her for what her maturity level really is soon enough. Hang tight! Life did this for a purpose...fate, destiny ...there is someone out there will our names written across their hearts...and she is out there now searching for you! :)
Deborah
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I want you to know that I understand what it is you are saying, but I also wish you could understand that for a year and half, this "princess" was not my pupil, I was hers in that she shared things with me and blinded me with honesty and compassion. There are so many things I guess I could tell you about, things that 22 year old girls don't normally want, think about or mention, that took a very cautious "knight" and eased his mind. This isn't a girl that I had a couple of things in common with, it was my best friend that I spent not more than 2 days away for the entire relatonship. If you read the letters I have, or could visit the moments I carry in my heart, you might see it as a little more complicated than you do.
I know very well what a "Co-dependant" is, and it hurt me very much to be labeled such. Is it so wrong, to have something in a relationship that is so special and rare to you, that you suffer when it's gone? It's sad when everything has a label on it now, that instead of looking deeper into solutions, we label them and move on.
I understand that you are telling me to move on, that I have been politely catalogued and documented as the guy to compare others to. I know that I have a fraction of a chance to ever touch her skin, or hear her whispers again. I understand that life has a master plan for everyone, and that by this not working, there is something better down the road. But I just don't function that way. I have had relationships and been loved in all of them I think, I have loved. But this past year is something I couldn't have written, or dreamed up that would happen to me. I'm 34 years old and had finally found something that filled so many holes inside me, and made me see the world in brighter shades.
In the old tales, knights didn't move on to the next maiden when love died, they carried the flame with them for the rest of their lives. If that weren't the case, we wouldn't have those stories, as Lancelot would have simply went to another land and started anew. Is it so wrong, to have this kind of heart in this time and age? I'm not in denial, I'm just broken and I understand the why's, I just wish things were different and I'm trying to move on as well as let go of the best thing I've ever had in my life.
I'm sorry, I don't want this to be a rant, I'm just dying inside from the loss of someone, who with goodbye said I was basicaly her Ayden and not Mr.Big.............
Lost,
Sir David
It is not wrong to want a equality based, mutually beneficially, honestly communicative relationship where you share values, priorities, standards, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.
In fact, we all want that...although quite often we're not as explicit about the parameters or about delving into the individual components as that statement above. "The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
Everybody's situation is unique......I'll certainly give it that. But are you wanting someone that shares your values and interests and has their own "individual kingdom" as well - so that your joy is enhanced and your sorrow shared.....or are you wanting to provide that partner with a great life because you can - because you're more educated, optioned, and able to do it. There's a huge difference.
the first relationships we ever have in life are with parents...that's NOT an equality based dynamic. IT's you adhering (willingly or otherwise) to the principles, standards, rules, regulations and requirements...and in exchange receiving providership, love, guidance, acceptance and "success" in the one-dimensional sense. You didn't define that success, and you didn't fully create it - but it is yours to build on to a more multi-faceted level of identity.
When we enter the world of adult relationships - the first relationships we enter into often mirror that dynamic and we're unaware of it. Unsure of what we're supposed to do for ourselves, or how to do for ourselve s- we look for guidance, leadership, wisdom, and assistance...and in exchange we receive more kudos, applause, success, and approval.
That wears thin as we age, if we're well-rounded as individuals. Because within that we find that what we once considered desired in terms of plans, and structure, boundaries and guidelines are now "hemming us in" and not allowing us to explore our own potential. Scared to explore it - but still desirous of exploring it.
At 20, I married a 40 year old man....again, the situation was unique - or so I thought. The more I know about life in genereal, the less unique that situation appears to be. In him I was sure the key to my life was held. HE was successful, secure, mature, he was in a profession that reflected his attitude in life "to protect and serve"....to provide me with the fundamentals of security which I so lacked and desperately needed for myself and a child...prior to meeting him I was the "ideal image of maturity". Out of a disasterous relationship that failed and was potentially fatal - I bega to adhere to the standards, rules, guidelines, and requirements of my parents 110% sure that "following the rules guaranteed me success." Their rules were not scant in number...their rules and my adherence did not allow me to meet my needs. I sought alignment because that was the only source of "identity" I understood - still operating in the parent/child dynamic.
I was a wonderful wife to him for 4 of the 5 years of our relationship.....we purchased a home and cars, we raised my child, we both worked successfully at our jobs, he pursued his profession (law enforcement) advancement, we paid our bills, we were model citizens.
But at 24.....what I had not ever had was the "freedom to decide for myself what I stood for and valued, what I believed and perceived, what I wanted and needed, and most importantly - learned to hold myself responsible for achieving it." Five years into that relationship what I had once so sought, was so grateful to have, what was so prized - his stability, his security, his standards, his beliefs on which to rely and adhere to in exchange for "my identity and happiness" - were now thought of as a prison that was keeping me from my "option, potential, future, and happiness."
The split was amiable but strained....his values held true in all situations....as mine were undefined at that point I was a little more "self-preservationistic in my approach" - but we wished one another well.
It took another two marriages to figure it out....that what you are not as an individual you'll never be in a relationship. That what is required for partnership is equality - not providership, not adherance. That what people achieve as an individuall is the BEST that they can do with you -and if you're with someone who doesn't share your values, standards, goals, definitions of a great life and how to achieve, or the willingness (not ability as projected by potential) to sacrifice, work, and endure intelligently and responsibly to achieve it - you won't have "what you want and need".
I feel for you, I really do. YOu want a partner in life...but yet what you offer is the providership, the assistance, the means, the ability, the options so that people can "better their lives and become more optioned" - and you're wondering why "nobody sticks with you."
It took me until last year, with a very close platonic friend, to completely appreciate YOUR position. At 48...he's been thru 3 marriages and has 5 children. In each marriage, he married someone younger than him, lacking in identity, success and security by conventional standards and his desire for them was founded in that. He loved being Sir Gallahad, Prince charming, and Lancelot. He didn't rescue them from any extreme situations of destruction...he simply with his education, options, talents, and contacts allowed them a life and lifestyle by HIS standards and definitions that they'd have never been able to achieve as an independent person (as basedon what they've achieved since the split).
He's faithfully supported, loved, parented, and protected his children...he provides financially and emotionally over and above and beyond the call of courts or duty what is required to ensure their future success in terms of education, or abilities to pursue an interest or goal. HE can't understand why all three wives - cheated on him repeatedly, why they all were not satisified with the "upgrade and options" that he instanty provided upon falling in love with them. He's grateful that none of them have ever withheld his children....and I tried to point out why.
He keeps saying "I'd never not support and love and parent them, no matter how I was treated. I stayed iwth the wives trying to work it out in spite of the infidelity for the children." He cannot see the point because he lacks objective focus. He's giving and doing waht he believes is right by his standards and values towards the ex's and the children - and he'd do that no matter how he was treated. He did that no matter how he's been treated, and he'll contnue to do it.
He can't understand why they don't appreciate his consistently "good to them" approach....I keep pointing out they do not value or prioritize as he does, thus they can't appreciate what they're getting on the level that he's giving...they're just glad they get the benefits of his largess and generosity in every capacity because it funds and enables thme to "pursue their own interests, needs, and goals by their own standards, values, and priorities."
At 48...he's becoming bitter. He wants a life partner.....he wants someone to "give to"...he's never considered "receiving" he doesn't know how.
This might be over the top for you...I doubt it. I had to really get existential to realize this concept. Nobody is every doing for you what "you want them to do"...they're doing for you what they want to do....and the "why" is of critical importance but it is nothing you can guess, and rely on their honesty to know.
What my friend never realizes is that all the years spent with the wives where there was by his standards the proof of love, care, concern, trust, and harmony - was simply them "doing what they wanted to do based on how they felt at the time." Which is why as the situations changed - feelings being a result of situations - their actions changed in type towards him. When they had perceived him as a source of benefit, pleasure, identity, and salvation - they treated him very well. When they perceived that the possessions, position, and the requirements of it were stifling and negative - they treated him poorly and went out to "find happiness" thru other people or situations.
The pervasive dynamic was there.....they were with him because of what he offered aand gave and they were gracious for the giving of it when they were desirious of it. But they were not living by a set of values or standards that says "I must treat you based on your position in my life and my alliance with you by a particular set of values or standards or priorities". Otherwise, they'd have been able to ask for the divorces in a calm and rational way - and he wouldn't have liked it, but he would have moved on.
As it is.....you're getting a wake-up call. Unlike the drug user, or the first relationship - there is no spite, hatred, negativity on her part towards you. There is just the reluctance to continue because it no longer suits her needs...and she's pained by hurting you - the giver of such benefit and pleasure at one time to her.
Why is what prompted me to encourage you to "follow her lead" - she's mourning "the relationship". YOu two shared dreams, hopes, goals, and time and energy and sacrifice invested in that future....and those are now lost to her as they were previously defined and understood because the relationship no longer exists. But she ended it becuase she realized that the plans, goals, standards, and aspirations for the future in this relationship did not meet her needs...and she wants the opportunity to define and fulfill those needs - so that her next partner is her equal - and she's not coming to them from her viewpoint in need of identity, leadership, options, guidance, or providership.
You too, should mourn the loss of your relationship - the hopes, dreams, aspirations, and expectations - they were like beautifully wrapped packages saved for Christmas Day to be opened with glee and awaited with anticipation. Now, the situation is such that the gifts are removed.....and you've spent the time in anticipation that is now "lost". Grieve that - in fact, if you don't you'll surely be "Sir DAvid" to the next liason, and so on and so on.
But realize that what you had in this relationsip is a foundational base on which to build - so that what you want in a relationship can be had...by you learning the lessons in this experience. And allowing this experience to make you more complete, self-aware, self-responsible, and realistic is going to allow you to separate "facts from feelings".
Lots of people don't get your wake up call. Iknow my friend did not.....currently he's now in the process of rescuing a 30-something year old woman with an infant at work, who wanted no father for her child but a sperm donor...and is now finding that she's unable to live in the lifestyle she once did as a result of being a single mother. And like Sir Gallahad to the rescue....he's paying her bills so that she doens't have ot live with her mother, while telling her that she needs to be "independent" for awhile prior to them getting serious about one another, while he parents her child whenever she goes out because "she needs time to herself" that she doesn't account for to him whatsoever, even when she's out all night.
If I can help, let me know. I've been you, I've been her...I've been all aorund this block.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com