Very upset and no one to talk to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Very upset and no one to talk to
8
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:51pm
My husband and I have been fighting about the same issue for all seven years of our marriage. I don't have the same sex drive he does. Our relationship will go along just fine and everything else works. We have sex infrequently but everything else is fine. Then he'll approach me about sex in a very non-romantic way and when I say I'm tired he'll get mad and ignore me, not respond to questions and won't kiss me goodbye in the morning. He says he can't touch me and have it be right - that I shrink away from him. Well, yes, when he does it between 1:00 and 6:00 am! I work full-time too!

I'm a light sleeper so am unable to cuddle to sleep. It just keeps me awake. He's a heavy sleeper and falls asleep at the drop of a hat at night. It takes me quite a while to wind down and sleep. He'll fall asleep early and wake up just as I'm finally getting into a deep sleep and then wakes me up because he wants to cuddle, which really means he'll cuddle for a minute or two and then fondle to try to get me turned on. If I give in it means I get 4 hours of sleep on average. If I don't he resents me.

Our most current fight was Monday. Everything has been going along fine and then the roller coaster hit on Monday night (well, really Tues at 1:00am). He got mad because when he woke me up I just wanted to sleep. Now he won't talk about it as he says we've been talking about it for years and it doesn't do anything. He won't touch me or kiss me goodbye in the mornings like he always has. He is just civil in conversations, not friendly.

Do I just give up on this? My friends don't want to hear about it as they're tired of the roller coaster and say I should just give up on the marriage. Everything else is great with us. Just sex and the results from lack of it seems to be a problem.

I don't know where to turn. Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:39pm

i don't think this is about sex - its about both of your communications problems and inability to "compromise". if THIS is the only issue you have - then there are many possible ways to compromise -but you both need to understand what compromise is. it means that BOTH of you are willing to give in a little - so that BOTH of you will get PART of what you want. for example - i am not suggesting that you give up on your sleep EVERY NIGHT, but perhaps once a week. and possibly - in return for cuddling with your husband one or two nights - you 'get' one or two nights sleeping in a different room where you will have quiet and be able to sleep thru the night (this is just a suggestion, mind you).


what you might want to consider is to make an appointment with a marital counslor who can help BOTH OF YOU work thru these issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:51pm
I've tried this. He wants me to initiate all the time so he doesn't feel rejected I guess. Then my problem is that I don't feel like being very intimate when I know he's just testing to see how long I'll live up to my end of the deal. One slip on my part and he's back to blaming me and not wanting to talk about it or work on it. I've tried to set up 3 nights a week to do this but when I miss one because he fell asleep (remember, heavy sleeper, could fall asleep in the middle of a concert), he thinks I need to make it up or wake up early in the am the next day before work. I feel like I'm always exhausted.

He's always been selfish but in most other aspects of the relationship we've been able to compromise. This one he seems to hold a grudge and never forgive and forget, start anew, kind of thing. He's constantly reminding me of how before we were married we had sex every night. I didn't live with him then and the only thing I had to do then after work was see him. Didn't own my own house, have other responsibilities, etc.

We've been together 15 years, but only married for 7.

He won't see a couselor. Thinks it's a waste of money and time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:39pm
I agree that this problem reflects something deeper that's developed during your time together. You say he's selfish and I have to agree. He also doesn't seem to be very mature in his ability to communicate and problem solve. If bettering his marriage and trying to achieve a higher level of contentment and happiness with you is "a waste of time and money" then that just about says it all in my book. Maybe he doesn't want to go to a counsellor b/c he knows he'd then be told by a professional third party that he may need to change his ways in order for that to be achieved. In any case, you can't solve this problem on your own. It's hard for me to believe your relationship is good in all other aspects since your description of his behavior sounds like an adolescent. After seven years of trying to resolve this one issue, I think it's clear you need some professional help in doing so. I'm sorry to not be of more help, but I wish you good luck in overcoming this obstacle.


Edited 4/15/2004 2:40 pm ET ET by boobeetrap
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:45pm
Will he read with you? Or read the same book as you? Or can you read it to him?

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Also, I think you need to address your sleep issues - your inability to relax and fall asleep - hot tea, valerian root, massage, bath, meditation... or see a doctor to see if something is off.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:58pm
Thank you for your thoughts. I do appreciate it. We really don't have any other issues which is why it's so frustrating. We have similar and different interests - both of us are very involved in street rods (he just found and built my '69 supercharged Camaro and is thrilled to have the only woman in our area driving a huge horse power car like that be his wife) and I also show horses which is something he doesn't enjoy. He supports my horse habit which involves me being at the barn two nights a week and one or sometimes two weekend days. He keeps himself busy building cars while I'm working horses and we are together for dinner and on the other nights and weekends when I don't ride or show. We enjoy each others company and I would consider him a great friend. When it gets to be night time it's an entirely different story though.

The counselor thing comes from his childhood. They sent him to anger management as a kid and it actually made him worse. He came from a very disfunctional family. One of his uncles tried to get him help by sending him to couseling and he ended up just lying to the counselor. His father kept telling him it was a waste of his money. That's where he gets it.

I have a very stable family. My parents are still married (37 years) and I am very close to them. My husband has matured greatly in the time we've been together. The few relatives that are normal on his side have often commented on how much he's grown up. Even he has told me that if he hadn't met me he'd be a mess like the rest of his family. He still has issues obviously. I'm just not sure how to get through this one.

My strategy in the past has been to just go about as normal (while freaking out inside) and wait for him to come around. This time he seems more serious about possibly seeking a divorce though. If that's the case I'm not sure if I should initiate it or let him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:18pm
Thank you. I've printed out the book selections. He won't read them but he may be open to me reading them to him. Right now he's barely speaking to me so that would be after he gets over these feelings again. If he does this time.

I actually sleep fine if not disturbed during the night. Usually asleep by 10:30 and sleep straight through to the alarm at 6:30am if left alone. Problem is he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, or within five minutes of it. I need more time to turn off my brain than that. Once awake, my brain starts and then I have to relax for a while to turn it off again. He thinks I should just be able to fall asleep at the same time he does so I can wake up early and have sex. My sleep pattern just doesn't work that way, never has. I've tried to change it before with no luck.

Sex during the day on a weekend doesn't work very well. He's up by 5 am, even on the weekends and I'm not up until 8 am. By the time I'm up he's halfway into a project - he can't sit still and just relax, feels lazy if he does. We're always busy running here and there or have people dropping by all the time.

I'm at a total loss as to any kind of a solution other than hoping he'll just realize he's being selfish and go back to where we were, yet again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:02pm
My sister use to leave books in the bathroom that she wanted her husband to read. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:43am

even if he wont go to therapy - why don't you go on your own. it will help you to focus and sift thru the issues in your life. your husband sounds like my stbx - also wouldn't go to therapy (till it was too late) because "all therapists are quacks and marital therapists are the worst because everyone who goes to marital therapy gets divorced". i said that was like not going to a hospital because some people die there...


good luck...