Very Very confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Very Very confused
3
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:20pm
May 1st I started hanging out with this girl who I had been texting and emailing back and forth a little bit. In my opinion we ended up really connecting that night and everybody was telling me that she was into me and I could see it too, however I had my reservations so I did not get too into it. After that we began hanging out a lot more and wanting to spend more time with each other. Its not just me either thinking this way. She would text me or call me randomly to get together or just talk and I loved it. Im 23 and she is 18 so I had some reservations about the whole thing because I know that young people that age can just be very immature about stuff, but it seemed that she was very into us and developing something. In whatever case she would also put me first or think about me first even over her friends and that was fine because I was the same to her too. We even had discussions about relationships and i was surprised at how mature she thought about realtionships at her age. She had said that in the last couple of months she was tired of hooking up with guys who wouldn't call back or drinking with friends until everyone got upset and got mad at each other. In other words she had had enough of the shallow party scene and had also been in some long running relationships that had not worked out for whatever reason. In other words she was looking for a stable, caring, mature relationship and saw something like it in me and I was very happy to supply it.

There was only one thing that kept me back from really making things official and that was the fact that she was still hanging out or having her ex boyfriend pick her up from work. From what she told me they had broken up because he had cheated on her for a year and she had to catch him in the act to really break it off, but after a couple months and his two week jail term they began to talk again and hang out and even though she said he was nothing to her and she thought he was scum she still would still tell me that she hung out with him or talked to him earlier in the day when she would call me at night. I did not have a big problem with it at first but the more I got into her the more I minded it and would discuss how I felt about it and she would agree with me but not know what to say about why she did it except that she did not think anything of him and pretty much used him as to not bother anyone else, but I did not agree with this and she knew it. This guy was also crazy and would call her all the time and do crazy things like bust up peoples cars and just be real shady even threatening me because she tried to tell him that she was seeing me right now and could not talk to him anymore. It got to the point where I had to tell her that I would not be around if this kept up and she said she understood and would stop all communication with him because she wanted this to work and relations with him were nothing anyway. I mean this is a guy who cheated on her for the girl hes going out with now, I dont even see why this became an issue that had to be dealt with. He continued to call for months to keep her informed of whats goin on in his life but to her credit she did not answer and said that its his time he wasting if he feels the need to call her.

So things after this were great, never better. We started to have a relationship officially and I have never had a relationship so great. She treated me so great and we had so much fun just doing whatever and she constantly communicated with me when it came to just call me because she got out of work and she was telling me what she was up to or heartfelt discussions that we would have that would bring us closer as a couple. My life just seemed so worth living and was never better. Then she had a week off from work so we decided to go visit my cousin in washington D.C. and go see some other spots in Viginia such as the beach etc.. The trip was so much fun and we were both excited about it, me even more than her, and when we got back everything seemed cool. I had tons of pics that look great and I felt like being together 24/7 didn't effect us too much even though we'd only gone out for 2 1/2 months.

The next day she did not call me when she got out of work which was weird for her to do since she always used to do it. I finally was able to get her by calling some of her friends and she called me back when she got home. She sounded so different, she said that she wanted to just hang out with friends right now and im more serious than her about the relationship and she didn't see a problem with not calling me right after work or using her friends phone to just call me and tell me what she was up to. I don't mean to seem obsessive about this but the point is this never happened in the past, she would want to call me after work and tell me what she was up to. She also said that she was going to a party with her friends tonight which was weird because she always wanted to bring me when she was going to a party, I even asked if I could come over so we could talk about all this in person than on the phone and she wasn't even receptive to that. Above all else it sounded like she really didn't care how I felt about all this or even how she sounded. She did say that she did not want to break up and she loved me and she just wanted to hang out with her friends right now, so I could not say anything except to have fun although I felt terrible. The next day she called me in the afternoon, but she still sounded like she didn't care about anything and even cut the convo short because her mom had to use the phone and later told me that she did not call me back cause she did not feel like talking. Now this may all seem very minor to some people, but you have to understand that this is totally not her character and not the way she has been for the last couple of months. She called me later on and asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow night and I said ok and she would give me a call when she was ready. She was ready pretty early and we got together to see a movie. Before the movie we talked about casual things and about how I got a new job for this fall and everything to my surprise was great. She was very effectionate and the way shes always been. I was purposely trying not to talk about the weirdness thats been going on or the vacation or being overly effectionate like I have always been, just because I was trying to feel things out and know whats up and primarily just have fun. During the movie she initiated holding my hand and lying on my shoulder the whole time and of course I was effectinate back but she initiated it. I then dropped her off pretty unusually early and she even looked kind of surprised that I was dropping her off early, but we left on a good note saying I love you and kissing and I went home. Two hours later she called me to talk and we talked for two hours about just whatever and it was a great convo. I felt as if everything was on its way to being great again. She even asked if I wanted to hang out the next night and I said ok. So we hung out the next night, went to the lake for pretty much of the whole time being effectionate like nothing was wrong. We even took a walk around her neighborhood just talking about whatever and fooling around like a couple and the night ended on a great high because she said she would see me play with my band in two days and she'd call me tomorrow. I felt like things were great again or at least getting back to what they were. The next day no call, so I called her and she was out but her mom did not know where she went. The next morning she called me and said she wanted to talk about us. So i went over her house and she said that she knew i called yeatserday but got back at 12:30 and was too tired to call which was unusual cause in the past she would have just called to say goodnight or something, but whatever. She said that she had been up at 6am thinking about us and decided that she wants to break up. She said that right now she doesn't know what shes doing in the fall and will be irresponsible in the relationship and doesn't want to be in a relationship right now while shes confused about what she wants to do. She said that it has nothing to do with me, but she doesn't want help, she wants to do things for herself and hang out with her friends and cant be in a relationship right now. So I asked when would she want to be in a relationship and she said she didn;t know, but she doesn;t want me to just wait around for her and that I should go out and do what I want and not feel like I cant talk to girls. She said that we might get back together in the future but right now she cant be in a relationship and just wants to hang out with friends. She said that those two days we hung out she wanted to hang out with me because she misses me when Im not there, but now she doesn;t know why shes feeling this way but doesn;t feel like being in a relationship right now and needs to sort her life out. She looked like she was sad about things and knew what she was doing was bad, but she also seemed like her mind was made up.

So that was about two weeks ago and in that two weeks I have felt crappy and just bored in life, but I have talked to her best friend and mom about what happened and they convey the same thing that she said about sorting out her life and being young and her mom even said that she just might now want to deal with thinking about me or us right now and shes been hanging out with her friends a lot in the last 2 weeks. She also told them though that we had argued a lot on the trip which I did not see as being that serious and tha the relationship got too serious too fast, but I think that was all brought on by the trip we took because before that none of those things were a problem. I even gave her a call to just see how she's doing and what shes been up to and she hasn;t given me a call back. She even told her best friend that she didn't know if she wanted to hang out with me because shes confused about how she feels about me and doesn't want to lead me on.

So now I dont know what to think, I keep hoping that we may get back together and of course I'm not going to wait by the phone all the time waiting for her to call. At the same time I dont know I just want things to work out and all this stuff keeps spinning around my head. Now it seems like shes avoiding me by not calling back and shes not the type to do that and I dont know what to think from that. I always wonder if shes still thinking about me when shes not with her friends because I constantly think about all this and her. Im having a hard time with closure and about how things were so great and how they just got so bad to the point of breaking up which was totally unexpected. Sorry this was so long but i feel as if whoever reads this needs to know everything in order to understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:11am
marcus...

Pianoguy has one question for ya!

"Did YOU know what you wanted out of life at 18?"

Please give this girl her space...and move forward! Forget about boyfriends or anybody else in her life. She needs time to figure herself out and that's not something YOU can do for her.

Please...let her "BREATHE!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:09pm
It sucks since she told you she was ready to settle down, huh? I know exactly how you feel. (I am 21 and my boyfriend is 19) My boyfriend acts the SAME way..except we are still together after 11 months. Plus, I just found out that I am pregnant. At first he was this happy and in love guy who was tired of the party scene and tired of dating around...but now all he wants to do is go out with his friends and have fun. He gave me a promise right after 6 months and it obviously doesn't mean crap. Once again, it's bad because now there is a baby involved and the person I need most is pushing away to "have fun" and so he can do what he wants. So now, I have a boyfriend who doesn't want me anymore. A boyfriend that used to be affectionate, sweet, and sooo loving. He always wanted to be with me and have fun with me. Well, not anymore. Now, it's friends that are on his agenda.

My best advice. Stay strong. It could always be worse. I know how you are feeling and it is horrible. I know I still have my boyfriend...but it feels like he's gone. I'm sorry your girlfriend is being like that. I hate how people tell you one thing..like they are ready to settle down..and they don't mean it. It's scary. Just let her go...you don't want to force her to be in a relationship with you or even guilt her into it either. Then she's unwillingly with you. I know that's what you want to do..but you can't. I want to marry my boyfriend..but I could never force it. Why force someone to be with you if they don't want to be with you?

It's really hard to hear that..but I tell myself that everday. I get upset and cry to think of why he doesn't want me anymore. But there are two things that can happen.. either he will come around and want me again..or I will one day find someone else who really want to be with me and who will love me and my child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 5:21pm
Thanks for replying, I appreciate it. Its not that she ever specifically said she was ready to settledown or that I was expecting her too, but from getting to know her and hearing what she told me about her past relationships or her life had been in the last few months I really felt that what she was looking for in a relationship, I was too and in that sense we were able to supply each other with what each of us was looking for. Believe me that when I met her I had gotten any feeling that she was not serious or just looking for a hookup I would have never gotten as involved as I did. I never had a problem with her going out with friends or whatever, I mean I do have expectations in a relationship but I also know that girls have friends and they just wanna hang with the girls. I myself have told her that I am not looking to "settle down" or get married or whatever for some years, believe me that I myself dont feel the need to settle down yet either, I however also feel that just having someone wholeheartedly as my girlfriend is what I want and what she seemed to want very much at first and for two months after. Thats why I am convinced that taking that long vacation must have scared or freaked her out a bit to take a look at her life and see what she wants only because she is still young. Maybe after the vacation she knew that she wasn;t being the same in the relationship as she had been and felt guilty, I dont really know and I dont think she knows which is why she left the relationship to figure things out. I cant think of any other reason she would leave. If she fell out of love or she met someone else it would be much easier to move on, but I doubt that in my extreme analization of things. I am sorry that your realtionship is not the best right now, true you guys are still going out but it might be worse in the sense because hes not there as much as you'd want him there and now theres another life involved. Thankyou again for replying with your story it actually makes me feel a little better that theres other people out there who know what Im going through and how I feel. I just wanted to make sure that from the beginning I never expected her to "settle down" with me and everything I did expect was happening naturally anyway. Just after the vacation there was an opposite change that took place and communication was faulty and she seemed not to care and then we had two days of greatness again and then she dropped a bomb on me. It was just so sudden and weird in the order of events that its hard to understand and move on with. I hope things work out for you and thankyou again.