A Vicious Cycle!
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A Vicious Cycle!
| Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:29pm |
Hello to all!
Where do I start? I don't want to make this too long, but details ARE important. My wonderful boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 6 months. He is truly the man of my dreams and then some. Well, I am 20 years old and he is 28. I have never felt the age difference nor has it EVER bothered me. However, my parents are completely against it. My dad said "I will go to my grave before I meet him, even if you marry him and have children with him." He asks "What does a 28-year-old want with a 20-year-old?" and I'm like "why don't you meet him and find out!!" But he refuses.
Now, my father has always been very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I've always tried to rise above it because I am naturally a happy and fairly confident person, however, lately it has gotten so bad because of my dating an older guy. He tells me that I'm stupid and must need a psychiatrist if I am dating someone that much older. He even goes off topic and takes the littlest things that I do and makes me feel like a horrible person and unworthy to be alive. (For example, he yelled at me for an hour straight just because I bought a CD.. he thought I was wasting my money) but I know he's just blowing off steam from his anger about me dating my boyfriend. The problem is he constantly offends me and insults my character. Instead of saying "that was an irresponsible thing to do" he says things like "you are such and idiot and so irresponsible. what's wrong with you?" This has gotten progressively worse and the yelling and ridiculing sometimes lasts for 3 hours at a time. It's getting more severe. Lately, I have been getting in these sad spells, where I get depressed for a few days at a time. I get easily insecure and sensitive. I am a naturally sensitive person, however I've never been overly insecure until recently. I feel like the past couple months my self-esteem has just plunged.
The problem is that it is beginning to affect my relationship with my boyfriend. The poor thing, he's been so understanding and supportive and, although it hurts him, he accepts that my dad does not want to meet him. Either I will get sad for no apparent reason, or I'll get sad because I get insecure about something (usually very silly, for example, I'll think he was checking out a girl). Once I get sad he feels helpless because it's almost like no matter what he does to try and cheer me up, it doesn't work. And then it causes him to get sad, which in turn perpetuates my sadness! It's a VICIOUS CYCLE! He also has told me that he feels like maybe something is missing from our relationship because he said no matter how horrible of a day he's had, when we're together I make him happy and feel better, but he is really worried because he feels like he can't do the same for me. I try and tell him that he does help so much,just by being there for me. But he is now convinced that he is the problem, if not directly than indirectly. I wish he did not feel this way, but I cannot change that. I went to the beach last week for the whole week. We talked everyday, but when I came home last night he asked me what our status was. He had to ask if we were still boyfriend/girlfriend status?!? I had another "sad spell" because I felt very sad and almost offended that he would have to ask a question like that just because I went on vacation for a week. I know that question he asked was his own insecurity so I tried to reassure him. But then I just got so sad about the fact that he would even entertain the thought of me changing that fast. I almost felt like he didn't trust me. Well, we kind of got into an argument about it. I was crying a lot and this time he said, "what is going on that is so wrong between us? I want you to be happy like you used to be and I want to be happy too. This is no way to live." I didn't even know what to say but that I want us to be happy too. He said "we need to figure out the core reason to why this is happenining and how to fix it." so I explained that I think my lack of self-esteem and my insecurity was causing it, and that was caused my my dad's emotional abuse. His reply was "So you're letting your dad affect our relationship?" (I have always promised him that I would never let exterior factors affect our relationship) I said that that's not what I'm saying, but I'm saying I think that's why I always get sad. He has mentioned a few times in the past and mentioned it again that maybe I have depression, but I do not believe that is the case. I think that it is not a chemical imbalance, but rather my environment (particularly my father).
I am not at a loss as to what to do. I love my boyfriend so much, and truly believe in him and us. I am afraid that he is beginning not too. I am more depressed today than I have ever been. I have not been able to eat all day, I forced myself to eat an apple (when normally I LOVE to eat!) I am ready for all of this to change, but I don't even know where to begin. In the past I have tried to make conscious decisions to NOT allow myself to get overly sensitive about things, and to always react logically, not with my emotions. This is not working!
I apoligize for the length of this, but I just wanted to give the whole picture!! Please help! I will greatly appreciate ANY advice or suggestions! Thank you in advance!
Where do I start? I don't want to make this too long, but details ARE important. My wonderful boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 6 months. He is truly the man of my dreams and then some. Well, I am 20 years old and he is 28. I have never felt the age difference nor has it EVER bothered me. However, my parents are completely against it. My dad said "I will go to my grave before I meet him, even if you marry him and have children with him." He asks "What does a 28-year-old want with a 20-year-old?" and I'm like "why don't you meet him and find out!!" But he refuses.
Now, my father has always been very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I've always tried to rise above it because I am naturally a happy and fairly confident person, however, lately it has gotten so bad because of my dating an older guy. He tells me that I'm stupid and must need a psychiatrist if I am dating someone that much older. He even goes off topic and takes the littlest things that I do and makes me feel like a horrible person and unworthy to be alive. (For example, he yelled at me for an hour straight just because I bought a CD.. he thought I was wasting my money) but I know he's just blowing off steam from his anger about me dating my boyfriend. The problem is he constantly offends me and insults my character. Instead of saying "that was an irresponsible thing to do" he says things like "you are such and idiot and so irresponsible. what's wrong with you?" This has gotten progressively worse and the yelling and ridiculing sometimes lasts for 3 hours at a time. It's getting more severe. Lately, I have been getting in these sad spells, where I get depressed for a few days at a time. I get easily insecure and sensitive. I am a naturally sensitive person, however I've never been overly insecure until recently. I feel like the past couple months my self-esteem has just plunged.
The problem is that it is beginning to affect my relationship with my boyfriend. The poor thing, he's been so understanding and supportive and, although it hurts him, he accepts that my dad does not want to meet him. Either I will get sad for no apparent reason, or I'll get sad because I get insecure about something (usually very silly, for example, I'll think he was checking out a girl). Once I get sad he feels helpless because it's almost like no matter what he does to try and cheer me up, it doesn't work. And then it causes him to get sad, which in turn perpetuates my sadness! It's a VICIOUS CYCLE! He also has told me that he feels like maybe something is missing from our relationship because he said no matter how horrible of a day he's had, when we're together I make him happy and feel better, but he is really worried because he feels like he can't do the same for me. I try and tell him that he does help so much,just by being there for me. But he is now convinced that he is the problem, if not directly than indirectly. I wish he did not feel this way, but I cannot change that. I went to the beach last week for the whole week. We talked everyday, but when I came home last night he asked me what our status was. He had to ask if we were still boyfriend/girlfriend status?!? I had another "sad spell" because I felt very sad and almost offended that he would have to ask a question like that just because I went on vacation for a week. I know that question he asked was his own insecurity so I tried to reassure him. But then I just got so sad about the fact that he would even entertain the thought of me changing that fast. I almost felt like he didn't trust me. Well, we kind of got into an argument about it. I was crying a lot and this time he said, "what is going on that is so wrong between us? I want you to be happy like you used to be and I want to be happy too. This is no way to live." I didn't even know what to say but that I want us to be happy too. He said "we need to figure out the core reason to why this is happenining and how to fix it." so I explained that I think my lack of self-esteem and my insecurity was causing it, and that was caused my my dad's emotional abuse. His reply was "So you're letting your dad affect our relationship?" (I have always promised him that I would never let exterior factors affect our relationship) I said that that's not what I'm saying, but I'm saying I think that's why I always get sad. He has mentioned a few times in the past and mentioned it again that maybe I have depression, but I do not believe that is the case. I think that it is not a chemical imbalance, but rather my environment (particularly my father).
I am not at a loss as to what to do. I love my boyfriend so much, and truly believe in him and us. I am afraid that he is beginning not too. I am more depressed today than I have ever been. I have not been able to eat all day, I forced myself to eat an apple (when normally I LOVE to eat!) I am ready for all of this to change, but I don't even know where to begin. In the past I have tried to make conscious decisions to NOT allow myself to get overly sensitive about things, and to always react logically, not with my emotions. This is not working!
I apoligize for the length of this, but I just wanted to give the whole picture!! Please help! I will greatly appreciate ANY advice or suggestions! Thank you in advance!

After reading your very long post, Pianoguy realized that there are 3 problems here.
1. Your Dad. He's a Father...you're his daughter...and even though you're of legal age to make up your own mind..."DAD" wants to protect you from a man who is 8-years older than you! Not knowing if you are the only daughter in his house...there might be an issue or two with an older sister or younger one that's making him feel the way he does?
2. You! I think there IS a "chemical imbalance issue" here. Pianoguy isn't a doctor (nor does he portray one at a lounge or restaurant)...but if you find yourself going through a lot of happy phases and sad experiences...you might want to have your doctor prescribe something? Seems like this is more than just a 'being insecure' issue?
3. You! Do you HONESTLY think you can get along with a man? If your Dad is domineering and your b/f ended up acting in a similar manner...do you think you can handle this type of treatment? Sensivity is one thing, but maybe you just need some time "on your own" before you settle down with anybody?
Pianoguy
Since you have identified the problem, what keeps you where you are? What keeps you from seeking counseling (some places offer it free - County Mental Health, Colleges if you are enrolled, churches you might be affiliated with).
You need to deal with these issues and heal them whether or not you are with your boyfriend. Time to think about moving out of your father's house.
Reading material to consider:
The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner
Self-esteem books:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Self Matters, Phil McGraw
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)
Abuse books:
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life -- Albert Ellis
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan
The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans
Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz
My best to you on your healing path.
Carrie