Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?
14
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 12:37pm
Hello,

I have a hugh problem. Please help! Yesterday, I was helping my boyfriend on his computer. I had to uninstall some software, because of a problem with the computer. While cleaning out the system to unistall the program (so no cookies or any files were attached to the program) I came across a profile for a women on a personal ad site.

When I asked him about it, first he was mad, accusing me of looking through his personal items on the computer. This is not true, I am not that type of person to look into others personal things. Anyway he said that during our year relationship he has on several occasions gone to the personal ads to "just look". He said sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be with someone else, but then quickly logged off because he knew I was the one he wanted to marry. I asked him if he contacted any of these "women" he was, matter of fact, when he said NO. I told him that I know he has done this in just the last week or so, he said it was the last two or three weeks...

He then closely followed it up with tears, and the fact that he was looking just last week at engagement rings for me. But, I stated that it was last week that I noticed he was looking at someone else's profile????

I am heartbroken, as I have always said that I would do nothing to harm our relationship which I thought was wonderful....

Question - How do I trust him anymore?

How do I know he's not lying about contacting these women, since he works in another city during the week, because of work?

Know he says he loves me, and wants to marry me? Help me please, by the way he is a psychologist. Me, I'm just your average hard working single, trusting women.....

Thank you so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 1:47pm
That is a tough call. I guess it comes down to your gut feeling if you can trust him on other things with you. Either you can or you can't.

I had an experience where I was dating someone I met online. After a few weeks, we agreed to remove our profiles and date exclusively to see what would happen. We both agreed that we weren't looking for marriage - just wanted a long term relationship. We started to get close and then he would pull away because that scared him.

I found out he had another profile online. He had been divorced for about three years and was not sure of what he wanted. He liked me a lot and felt that he was falling in love with me and this scared him so he looked for curiosity. At first I felt hurt but then I tried to understand where he was coming from.

He really is not a player and dating makes him nervous so I know I could trust him to be faithful. I know he was just curious and confused because of his feelings and everything he had been through. In the end this was not our issue for the relationship not working.

It didn't work because he moved 1.5 hours away from me and he is not really settled, stable or happy. He enjoys travelling a lot for his job and kids and I enjoy someone who is more of a home body.

I hope this helps. I guess what I am trying to show is that it depends on a lot of other things and what you want. Go slow - time always tells.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:44pm
I don't have any advice to give you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

About three months ago, but doing some sluthing after finding cookies and thumbnails on my computer, I discovered my boyfriend of two years had a personal ad out, he had set it up four months before. Because I found the address of his secret e-mail address in the history, the one he was using in the ad, I was able to break in and find out everything. He had a full blown ad with picture and profile and had selected "favorites" from the generated matches, he had never contacted anyone and was only contacted by one girl who was NOT his type. I confronted him about it and told him what I had found. He said he was just curious as to how other women found him, that he needed his ego stroked and that it meant nothing, that it was stupid and if he could take anything in the world back it would be that.

Well I wanted to forgive him and I wanted to trust him again.

The trust part has been hard and, I know this is terrible (please don't judge me), I found out how to access his regular e-mail and have been checking it regularly to make sure I can trust him.

Well, I checked his e-mail today (three months later) and discovered a test e-mail he had sent to a new secret e-mail address, so I got myself into that (I seem to have a knack for that sort of thing). I have discoverd that he has set up profiles on two different personal sites, no photos no real profile info, it appears they were just set up so that he could do searches or get generated matches.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why men do these things. If he wants to be single he can be single. Why remain in a relationship when you're still looking. I wish I could understand.

Any way, part of me want to see how this plays out, keep checking the secret e-mail and see what goes on, maybe set up a fake profile and bait him. Part of me wants to never accept another call from him again. Part of me wants to confess to all I know, but then I'd have to tell him I've been reading his e-mail. Part of me just wants to accept that he is just curios and trust that he would never take it any further and leave the whole thing alone.

But, I just wanted you to know, you're not alone.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:12pm
BTDT (and broke up with the man I thought I was going to marry over it). I firmly believe that no man who WANTS to be in a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship puts a profile on a dating site. It's like putting a for sale sign on your car. You have to be at least THINKING of selling it; otherwise, why on earth would you put a sign on it?

A profile on a dating site is telling the world that he is available for a dating relationship. Is that the message you want him to be sending?

I'm sorry but I think your guy is lying. If he were "just curious", he would have taken the profile down, not put others up on new sites.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:40pm
That is well said, Sheri. I guess you are lucky you discovered that before marriage.

The funny thing about my situation is that I didn't want marriage. But now I do so I would never put up with that. I guess dating is about learning what you want and don't want. I won't even think of online dating any more - too many losers.

Just out of curiosity - how did you find out your fiance was doing that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:26pm
yeah, I know. It's just that I know guys like to look at women. And, these new profiles aren't posted profile (for sale signs) there just unviewable sign up that allow him to look at profiles. I've invested two and a half years in this love, it hard to just let go, especially when It's not clear cut hardcore cheating. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:43am
I snooped. I'm really not proud of stooping to that but I wasn't strong enough to end it based solely on my gut feeling (which was of course correct). I had to have proof that he was lying (I'd caught him in similar lies before, but gave him another chance), and I got it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:29am
Sheri, I think you did the right thing to snoop. It is always good to listen to your inner voice and seeing things in black and white helps you move on and not look back.

I have found that integrity can be a big issue and it is evident in a lot of small things that we tend to overlook in the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:41am
Hi Buttercup,

Two and a half years is a long time. But it is not as bad as getting married, having kids and then finding out you have a disaster on your hands many years later.

Have you two discussed marriage? Is marriage and kids what you want? I agree with Sheri that it is not a good sign that he said he was sorry and then created more secret email addresses and profiles.

I think he needs the "medicine of nothing" - that is where you withdraw from the relationship and give him the time and space to see what he really wants. You show him that this is unacceptable behavior with you.

I believe that a successful relationship has to have boundaries. And it is long since time that you set one here. Also, I would be very worried about getting AIDS in a circumstance such as this.

Good luck - I am sorry you have to go through this. But often times, a situation like this requires change - and that can bring something even better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:58am
that's exactly what I'm going to do. He knows that I have not gotten over the first instance (I really can't tell him I know about this time because of how I found out). So, I talked to him about it more last night. I asked him more questions about this curiousness as to how attractive other women found him, especially in light of the fact that I'm always telling him how sexy, smart and attractive he is. I told him that the man I want to be with can't ever have anything to do with personal ads, no ad, no looking at them nothing, and that he would not be actively seeking the approval of other women in any way, that the only approval he would be seeking is mine. I told him to think about that and today if he feels he can be that man to come by and we can talk more, but if he can't not to show. Even if he does come by, telling me he can be that man, I'm going to tell him that we'll be taking it back a bit, that I didn't take the time or the space I needed when I first found out and I'm taking it now. I've decided to take a trip to Florida without him to get my advanced SCUBA certification. I've always dived with him, so I think doing something like that on my own will help me to feel strong. If he doesn't show than It'll be over for good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:53pm
Excellent!!! You did great. And a trip on your own is such a great idea!!! Perfect!!

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