Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?
14
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 12:37pm
Hello,

I have a hugh problem. Please help! Yesterday, I was helping my boyfriend on his computer. I had to uninstall some software, because of a problem with the computer. While cleaning out the system to unistall the program (so no cookies or any files were attached to the program) I came across a profile for a women on a personal ad site.

When I asked him about it, first he was mad, accusing me of looking through his personal items on the computer. This is not true, I am not that type of person to look into others personal things. Anyway he said that during our year relationship he has on several occasions gone to the personal ads to "just look". He said sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be with someone else, but then quickly logged off because he knew I was the one he wanted to marry. I asked him if he contacted any of these "women" he was, matter of fact, when he said NO. I told him that I know he has done this in just the last week or so, he said it was the last two or three weeks...

He then closely followed it up with tears, and the fact that he was looking just last week at engagement rings for me. But, I stated that it was last week that I noticed he was looking at someone else's profile????

I am heartbroken, as I have always said that I would do nothing to harm our relationship which I thought was wonderful....

Question - How do I trust him anymore?

How do I know he's not lying about contacting these women, since he works in another city during the week, because of work?

Know he says he loves me, and wants to marry me? Help me please, by the way he is a psychologist. Me, I'm just your average hard working single, trusting women.....

Thank you so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:40pm
this is such a timely thread...I was glad to find it. My boyfriend of almost 3 years was out of town this weekend for a tournament and I went over to his house last night to do some laundry (he knew I was doing this). I have never been a snooper with him, but I looked in his internet history to see where he had been lately. (It surprises me that he keeps his history for so long because he works with computers). I found a link to a personal site and one of the URL's in the history folder had a user ID that he uses for a lot of things in it. I went there and was able to log into his account, because he actually uses the word "password" for his password for less important logins.

It would have been upsetting enough to see a profile in the relationship or dating categories, but instead I found that he has a profile in their "Intimate encounters" network, and he was last there last week. He had 3 women in his favorites list (ranging in age from 12 years younger to 10 years older), and they were all looking for "conventional sex" in addition to online sex. He had also sent and received at least one message to them. If it were just cybersex, that would been hard enough to see, but one of the women was clearly interested only in real sex, not online sex.

I dug a little more in the history and found 3 other sex/swingers sites with profiles. I pretty much broke down.

I spent the night (on the couch because I didn't want to be anywhere near the bed) because it was really late before I finished my laundry. This morning I got up and wrote him a letter and left it along with my key to his house on his bathroom counter. I gathered up all my things and told him what I found and asked for an explanation (as well as whether he thought I should go get tested for an assortment of STDS--that was how I started the letter actually...).

I want to know if he has actually been meeting women, because if he has, that's it. I can't believe he'd put me at that kind of risk, when all of this time he has appeared to be such a wonderful person.

As far as I know he isn't home yet. He hasn't called and he hasn't changed his password on the site yet. He'll be getting back to the house with two of his friends who accompanied him out of town, so I'm not sure when he'll actually read it.

I'm just so incredibly hurt. I love this man, I love his family (his mother told someone a year ago that she hoped we got married--I'll let him be the one to explain to her why I left...). I know it's better that I found this now, rather than later. It just sucks, and even if he does tell me that it's part of this whole need for ego stroking thing I've been reading about here, I don't know that I could continue to put up with it and I have no reason to expect it stop.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:18pm
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know from my own experience how painful it is. In my case, I broke up with him once I confirmed that he was actually emailing another woman on the site...I didn't care whether he actually met her or not, emailing was enough for me to say, "I'm out of here". That's enough indication of intent to cheat, for me at least.

I hope you will get at least an acknowlegement from him...my ex didn't even respond to me, and when I called a couple weeks later to try to get some sort of explanation, he coldly said "I have nothing more to say to you" and hung up on me. I know he was angry that he'd been found out, but it took me longer to move on because I really wanted him to acknowledge how he'd hurt me. I now can accept that he's just not capable of that, but it was hard.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:18am
This response is for anyone that is reading. I just want to say that any man that goes on a personals site isnt needing his ego stroked, the internet is a cheap and easy way to pick up people of the opposite sex and men, with their giant brains figuring it out, picked this up. If a man found his girlfriend/wife in a bar with a man, even if they were talking, he wouldnt accept the excuse, "I was just getting my ego stroked honey" from his woman so why should a woman take that as an excuse? If your man is creating personals on these sites its for one thing, meeting someone else. I dont think that its a bad thing to "snoop" through files if you suspect something is up, after all, if men didnt lie like they do women wouldnt have to become P.I.'s and uncover such a dirty little secret. There is another point, if it were so harmless, why didnt he just tell you he was doing it. Men are genetically equipped with a drive to reproduce, hence the cheating and constant search for someone else. The day and age has warped that drive of needing to reproduce into a sex crazed maniac, but its still the same idea. Men are easy creatures seduce, show them a picture of a tall blonde with big breasts and hes fallen in love sometimes 10 times a night. Just remember, if the shoe was on the other foot he most likely would have dumped you before you even had the chance to shed a tear or say you were sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:51pm
I told him point blank that I considered having an ad or searching personals or having anything to do with personals while you're in a committed relationship cheating. I told him the man I want to be with does not have anything to do with personal ads and thought more about how attractive he was to me than to other women. He agreed that he would be that man.

Now, I will create more distance and be less all about him. I will take time for myself. I will carefully monitor everything he does and I will continue to look for clues. If I EVER see ANY thing like this again, I'm gone.

This seems to be a real infestation into the relationship thing. Personal ADs/CyberSex/Online porn. They should have a chat room or message board devoted to just that "The Cyber Infedelity Board".

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