Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?
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Viewing personal ads, is it cheating?
| Sun, 05-09-2004 - 12:37pm |
Hello,
I have a hugh problem. Please help! Yesterday, I was helping my boyfriend on his computer. I had to uninstall some software, because of a problem with the computer. While cleaning out the system to unistall the program (so no cookies or any files were attached to the program) I came across a profile for a women on a personal ad site.
When I asked him about it, first he was mad, accusing me of looking through his personal items on the computer. This is not true, I am not that type of person to look into others personal things. Anyway he said that during our year relationship he has on several occasions gone to the personal ads to "just look". He said sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be with someone else, but then quickly logged off because he knew I was the one he wanted to marry. I asked him if he contacted any of these "women" he was, matter of fact, when he said NO. I told him that I know he has done this in just the last week or so, he said it was the last two or three weeks...
He then closely followed it up with tears, and the fact that he was looking just last week at engagement rings for me. But, I stated that it was last week that I noticed he was looking at someone else's profile????
I am heartbroken, as I have always said that I would do nothing to harm our relationship which I thought was wonderful....
Question - How do I trust him anymore?
How do I know he's not lying about contacting these women, since he works in another city during the week, because of work?
Know he says he loves me, and wants to marry me? Help me please, by the way he is a psychologist. Me, I'm just your average hard working single, trusting women.....
Thank you so much.
I have a hugh problem. Please help! Yesterday, I was helping my boyfriend on his computer. I had to uninstall some software, because of a problem with the computer. While cleaning out the system to unistall the program (so no cookies or any files were attached to the program) I came across a profile for a women on a personal ad site.
When I asked him about it, first he was mad, accusing me of looking through his personal items on the computer. This is not true, I am not that type of person to look into others personal things. Anyway he said that during our year relationship he has on several occasions gone to the personal ads to "just look". He said sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be with someone else, but then quickly logged off because he knew I was the one he wanted to marry. I asked him if he contacted any of these "women" he was, matter of fact, when he said NO. I told him that I know he has done this in just the last week or so, he said it was the last two or three weeks...
He then closely followed it up with tears, and the fact that he was looking just last week at engagement rings for me. But, I stated that it was last week that I noticed he was looking at someone else's profile????
I am heartbroken, as I have always said that I would do nothing to harm our relationship which I thought was wonderful....
Question - How do I trust him anymore?
How do I know he's not lying about contacting these women, since he works in another city during the week, because of work?
Know he says he loves me, and wants to marry me? Help me please, by the way he is a psychologist. Me, I'm just your average hard working single, trusting women.....
Thank you so much.

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It would have been upsetting enough to see a profile in the relationship or dating categories, but instead I found that he has a profile in their "Intimate encounters" network, and he was last there last week. He had 3 women in his favorites list (ranging in age from 12 years younger to 10 years older), and they were all looking for "conventional sex" in addition to online sex. He had also sent and received at least one message to them. If it were just cybersex, that would been hard enough to see, but one of the women was clearly interested only in real sex, not online sex.
I dug a little more in the history and found 3 other sex/swingers sites with profiles. I pretty much broke down.
I spent the night (on the couch because I didn't want to be anywhere near the bed) because it was really late before I finished my laundry. This morning I got up and wrote him a letter and left it along with my key to his house on his bathroom counter. I gathered up all my things and told him what I found and asked for an explanation (as well as whether he thought I should go get tested for an assortment of STDS--that was how I started the letter actually...).
I want to know if he has actually been meeting women, because if he has, that's it. I can't believe he'd put me at that kind of risk, when all of this time he has appeared to be such a wonderful person.
As far as I know he isn't home yet. He hasn't called and he hasn't changed his password on the site yet. He'll be getting back to the house with two of his friends who accompanied him out of town, so I'm not sure when he'll actually read it.
I'm just so incredibly hurt. I love this man, I love his family (his mother told someone a year ago that she hoped we got married--I'll let him be the one to explain to her why I left...). I know it's better that I found this now, rather than later. It just sucks, and even if he does tell me that it's part of this whole need for ego stroking thing I've been reading about here, I don't know that I could continue to put up with it and I have no reason to expect it stop.
I hope you will get at least an acknowlegement from him...my ex didn't even respond to me, and when I called a couple weeks later to try to get some sort of explanation, he coldly said "I have nothing more to say to you" and hung up on me. I know he was angry that he'd been found out, but it took me longer to move on because I really wanted him to acknowledge how he'd hurt me. I now can accept that he's just not capable of that, but it was hard.
Sheri
Now, I will create more distance and be less all about him. I will take time for myself. I will carefully monitor everything he does and I will continue to look for clues. If I EVER see ANY thing like this again, I'm gone.
This seems to be a real infestation into the relationship thing. Personal ADs/CyberSex/Online porn. They should have a chat room or message board devoted to just that "The Cyber Infedelity Board".
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