Is waiting worth my time

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Is waiting worth my time
3
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:35am
About 6 weeks ago my husband told me that he did not love me anymore and wanted to divorce. We spent very little time together to start with since he works out of town and I know it took a toll on the marriage because I was always depressed and it was very visible to him when I talked to him. He felt that I was being selfish in wanting him to be with his family instead of trying to be successful so he could provide better for us and he claimed those actions from me hurt him very much.

Now the tone is different from him and he says we can be ok with time but he has to deal with his own life right now and his emotions with me because they are not like they used to be so to see him as just a friend for now and he will tell me and show me when things get better. Problem is it is all that is ever on my mind so when we talk all I can do is talk about how I feel about us and I feel this is actually pushing him away. I do not know what to do, I cannot seem to leave him alone about it, and my patience to make my marriage work is extremely difficult. I need advice on what to do and someone please tell me if I am totally wasting my time because if he really does not love me then there is no guarantee he can be capable of it again, especially since he is never around me. What should I do????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:25am


Do you think your marriage is suffering because he works so much or that he works so much to avoid the marriage?

'we can be ok with time but he has to deal with his own life right now and his emotions with me because they are not like they used to be so to see him as just a friend for now and he will tell me and show me when things get better.'

So he has total control over the marriage now and you have to it idly by waiting for him to tell you how he feels? How can he work out his problems in the marriage without you? This is no partnership.

It sounds like you need some marrige counseling if you two really want to stay married. If he refuses to go, that speaks volumnes about how committed he is to saving the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:34am
oops...posted twice


Edited 6/2/2004 12:23 pm ET ET by ciao_gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 4:25pm
Logically speaking, I don't think under the present circumstances the two of you can reach a point where you are both happy in this marriage. Is his work situation now changing? If not, and he is still out of town all the time, then you will continue to remain unhappy and you as a couple will continue to be estranged. Two people cannot develop a relationship without being together IMO, especially if one doesn't love the other. How does he think that is going to happen (his feelings about you change) when he is hardly ever with you? If his idea of a good marriage is being away from home trying to "be successful" and have his wife content with that, then this is not the right marriage for him since you are not content with status quo and won't be in the future. If you cannot be happy with a spouse that is never home and doesn't love you anymore, then this is not the right marriage for you either b/c that's what you have here. I personally could not settle for his idea about just pretend we're friends. Does he seriously think that's a good solution or that you'd be capable of just changing your feelings for him and being content with this situation until HE feels better about it (which there's no guarantee will ever happen)? Just remember you only get one life to live -- there are no do overs and going back to retrieve wasted time. Spend your life how YOU think it best to spend it, but remember while making choices for yourself that you can never control another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors. I don't think this situation is the right one for either of you, and just letting time go by hoping something will change is not going to work IMO. Best of luck to you.