THE WALKING WOUNDED
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| Sat, 09-25-2004 - 9:04am |
I have been separated for over a year with my estranged living in another state, I have our two small children with me and weve been making it on our own.
When I first started out the most important thing was to find a job and a place to call home and I did so like a woman with a mission. I was happy and dreamt of the time when I would meet someone.
Then I met someone and in hind site I can see I display(ed) all the signs and symptoms of a woman with baggage. I never had baggage before and went into denial, but none the less I set us all upon a roller coaster that still goes round' today.
I have given my ex-to be false hope when I was scared or lonely, I have tried ultimatums and pulled some serious bs in order or so I told myself to end things with the new guy.
I have been pissed off at the world because I have no freedom to do much of anything with my two kids 24/7. I have been pissed that this guy has rejected me but wants to be my friend and Ive been pissed at myself for not being able to find someway to 1) find peace with myself, 2) stop hurting people, 3)stop trying to save or be with a damaged emotionally unavailable man.
To make matters worse, my ex will be moving down here and staying with me for a few weeks till he finds a place and the other guy lives right down stairs.
I know I have to put me first, I have to fix myself somehow and break this cycle. HOW?
And after I do is there anything I can do to help these two men, I dont want to hurt them or play them off eachother, I think Im in love with the other guy and Ide really like to find a way to get through.

I also think you should not have your ex stay with you. It probably would create havoc with the guy downstairs, but much more importantly it will be disruptive for your kids to reattach to your ex and then lose him again. That's not something kids can handle easily. You've got to put your kids first. Your ex is an adult and even if he has financial problems he should be able to find a friend or family member to stay with. The new guy is an adult too, and both of them are responsible for helping themselves. Quit worrying about helping these two men and put yourself and your kids first - your kids don't have the choices that these men have and you're the only one who can keep them from emotional harm.
A. Finding time for you. Even if it's 3 mintues longer in the shower/bath. Start journal writing, vent on paper. How old are your kids? Take them to a park and while they play read a book, something about you and your healing (see book list below)
B. Do you have family or friends that can help with the kids? Have you met someone in the neighborhood (teenager) that would be willing to sit with them for an hour or so, so you can have time to your self.
C. Write UNSENT letters. Vent on paper to your ex about how you feel, why you feel it, write about anything that comes to mind. Then burn them. Write daily if need be.
2) stop hurting people,
That requires that you realize you are not angry with that person specifically but with someone else, then write the person you are really mad at an UNSENT letter.
3)stop trying to save or be with a damaged emotionally unavailable man.
Stop dating, until you heal yourself and know thyself. Consider short term counseling, maybe through your local church?
Reading material to consider:
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
One Minute for Myself, Spencer Johnson
One Minute Mother, Spencer Johnson
The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz
Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Date Like a Man: What Men Know About Dating and are Afraid You'll Find Out, Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould
In the Meantime, Iyanla Vanzant
Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson
Pick at least one in each group, check your local library - heck your kids can go for story time and you can look around or check a used bookstore, some are attached to your local library. At the library you can even rent movies and books on tape if you are trying to save money.
::And after I do is there anything I can do to help these two men, I dont want to hurt them or play them off eachother, I think Im in love with the other guy and Ide really like to find a way to get through.
Try Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, as you can't help either of these men, until you help yourself. While you may be in love with the guy downstairs, if he only wants a friendship, you might need some space there. As for your ex, he needs to get it together for himself and staying with you might not be the best idea.
Carrie